2nd
A bald man sprints along a path giving himself a pep talk as he goes in the dark. He startles two muntjacs that had been hidden in the dark next to a carpark wall who bolt like teenage shoplifters at the sight of a security guard.
A couple in their 30s walk their collie who has a collar that changes colour like its a mobile disco light and its shooting all over the place. The man is smoking the most pungent weed and I start to wonder if maybe the poor dog is high
Within twenty minutes I've walked past three people all smoking weed and I'm starting to feel queasy at the vile smell. It's like someone in Morocco has been compacting camel shit and selling it as resin
Sometimes in life you get to see behind the curtains. In supermarkets Easter eggs get delivered during the 12 days of Christmas. Time is money and time waits for no man as the farmers testify to with the fields ploughed and resowed within 24 hours
Three snails are all touching each other like they've in the middle of the world's slowest crash
3rd
A little girl in wellies goes wild in a puddle whilst a small puppy shys away on the end of a lead
In the space of 20 minutes what felt like a months worth of rain fell like a power shower, sadly much on me as the forest floor beneath me turned into a fast flowing river downhill a good couple of inches deep
A man trying to do a good turn unblocking a drain probably wished he hadn't as a car on P plates flies through the lake on the road and catches him in the tidal wave
In the middle of a housing estate a lake has appeared in the middle of a road. To the east the right half of a rainbow is projected onto the clouds
After the rain you get a sense of its volume and its power. A carpet of acorns on a path alongside huge deposits of silt. At the bottom of driveways buildups of sand and shingle.
To the south somewhere hidden behind rows of houses the volley of fireworks cannon for several minutes. Someone is clearly adept at keeping them dry in wet weather earlier in the day
2210 and a BMW drives through a housing estate with a flat rear right tyre making the mother of all rackets. I dread to think the damage being done to the rims let alone to his neighbours sleep patterns
4th
Dozens of leaves charge down the path at me like excited children who can't wait to greet me
A woman calls out for what I assumed was a dog to hurry up but there's no dog so I assume she's talking to a man walking towards her but he goes the other way and I don't know her so I'm none the wiser who she was calling out to in the end
A little female dog is trying to do her business but every time she tries a malamute comes sniffing around. Reminds me of being a parent with toddlers trying to go to the toilet in peace but having to keep the door open
Way off in the distance I can see someone walking across a field doing stretches with their arms and at one point they twirl their arms wide open like they're having the best time and then stop when they realise they're not alone like other people might think they're an idiot. They're right, that's what I was thinking but it was actually why’d you stop you idiot? Do what makes you happy. Clearly you were going with the moment and enjoying yourself. Don't worry what anyone else thinks
A brother and sister run about playing ‘it’ giggling their heads off as if it's the best thing in the world. No screens, just running in the sun
A young boy of about 10 years of age walks with a golf club over his shoulder next to his mother. He could be off to play golf or he might be using it to ward off potential muggers
5th
The lady from a previous month's post with the long blow torch is back on her gravel drive flame throwing her weeds in one hand with a dog on a lead in the other. That's one way of making a dog stay and behave
A teenage boy sports both curtains and a mullett hedging his bets that paying homage to both the 80s and 90s are on trend
A dog on a short lead gets so excited at the sight of another dog that the tension on it enables it to hop on its hind legs llike its on a pogo stick. As for the other dog… it just walked past like someone leaving you hanging on a high five
A woman waves at me excitedly with a huge smile on her face like she's greeting her best friend or a family member. Never spoken to to the woman before in my life, still I did feel like the centre of the universe for a few seconds
6th
Two chestnuts have already shed the majority of their leaves leaving just the conkers hanging like Christmas baubles from the branches
I worry my empathy levels may be waning as a man in a game of football gets his foot stood on, cries out really loudly and hops on one foot leaving me giggling like a schoolboy
Through the front window of a blacked out Audi 4x4 a man in the driver's seat is sound asleep asleep, mouth wide open catching flies
A little sports box car drives past with the Marlboro logo emblazoned on its boot and wings. Firstly I'm reminded how times have changed since I was a kid and then secondly I'm left thinking is that advertising and therefore even legal??
A dark silver metallic grey classic Jaguar cruises down the drive of a manor estate. All that was missing was an over dubbed soundtrack of a record like Take my breath away
7th
Behind closed doors a range of noises escape; a baby cries, someone coughs to clear their throat and a chain rattles as someone locks the door for the night
8th
A large tractor drives past with a full high sided trailer being towed. I'm trying to work out out what 's carrying it's carrying when the smell of onions attacks my nostrils and answers me my question
A schoolgirl scoots past humming what sounds like bars from somewhere under the rainbow. In lieu of a bell it worked a treat
In the middle of the road close to 11pm sits a rat who scarpers behind a set of wheelie bins when it saw me. Seeing the badger last month was cooler but another spot all the same. Round the corner the African grey is still wide awake. Perhaps they'd both like some company
A man with big can headphones walks down the road laughing and says we've all been cursed and laughs again. I've genuinely no idea if he's talking on the phone or to himself.
9th
The air is filled with the sound of a loud bang but I can't place what it is. Could have been a firework but for some reason that didn't fit. Two minutes later a lorry comes driving down the road kicking out a plume of smoke behind which this huge tyre comes bouncing down the road and thankfully doesn't sail into oncoming traffic or a pedestrian. The lorry still doesn't halt and carries on with the smoke bellowing, hazard lights flashing
10th
An upper school student walks head bowed as a man beside him is trying to give him a life lesson whilst slurring his words clinging onto a bottle of beer at just after 4pm. Let's hope like all teenage boys whatever it is, that it goes in one ear and out the other unless he goes onto add - don't drink
On the penultimate level of a multistorey carpark a group of lads have turned it into a heavily illuminated caged football pitch
11th
Strapped to the roof of a car is a large bird sculpture made in metal which looks incredibly well made, but could also make the perfect lethal projectile if the driver has to brake suddenly.
I disturb a little shrew which scurries through the grass and vanishes into a little hole. Given the amount of birds of prey we have in the countryside I may have unwittingly extended its little life
My east anglian wildlife tour continues as a hedgehog plays chicken in the road and decides thankfully being a chicken is OK and does a 180° turn back to safety
On the drive of a bungalow on a housing estate sits a blue New Holland tractor. It's a quarter to eleven and I hope for the neighbours sakes it's not going anywhere else tonight
12th
In low light I come face to face with a Muntjac who seems unperturbed by my presence and we stare at each other before going our separate ways
Light bounces off long blonde hair exactly how it would off a Barbie doll which suggests to me that what sits on top of her head isn't actually her own natural hair
13th
In the last light of the evening to the south west two planets sit just above the horizon sparkling light distant gems.
14th
In a forest I find my path blocked by two dozens turkeys like I'm in a real life cheese dream
15th
There's high winds and a driveway looks like a fruit machine jackpot if fruit machines had a literal payout of fruit with a mixture of red and green carpeting every spare inch
Under a chestnut tree which overhangs a road, the remnants of dozens of conkers crushed like it's borne witness to an all day conker tournament
17th
Half a dozen adults are sat in foldout chairs by the side of a pitch whilst kids are football training. Three are reading, one is knitting and only two are paying attention to what's going on
Two lads in their late teens / early 20s walk past, one with an ill fitting suit with trainers, the other with a sports jacket, curly hair and a tash. I feel like I've time travelled back at least 30 years
18th
A painter in his late teens is walking with his work overalls on with a giant splash of dried paint on his head. I hope he managed to get some of it on the walls or ceiling. At least I'm assuming it's paint and he's not been dive bombed by a flock of gulls
A young schoolboy rides his bike down a road to which for reasons known only to himself he's attached a large branch which is acting as an impromptu road sweeper.
From a distance the giant logo on a stonemasons van looks like a giant skeleton riding a bike which seemed utterly bizarre given they do headstones for graves. Only up close can you see the stenciled face, arm and hammer of a worker in action.
19th
A small black dog with long hair totters past with two tiny purple bows in its hair keeping the hair out of its eyes. I'd imagine that it didn't personally choose the look before it left the house
A young schoolboy is looking at his phone and not where he's going. He apologies to me which impressed me but also calls me Sir. I believe that's one definition of killing people with kindness
In a vast car park at night one solitary car is parked in a far corner behind which two women are facing the boot doing dance routines before breaking into fits of hysterics
In a quiet close two parents are trying to unload their shop from their car. One of their children is on a small push along horse which they draw level with the car on in the road out of view, disembark and cross onto the grass and are a good 100ft away before they're spotted.
20th
For the third time in recent weeks a helicopter lifts out from the countryside with no obvious point from where it's taking off which makes me realise I've probably watched too many Bond films as I try to work it out
I try playing Sherlock Holmes with a car. It's a cheap ill made small Peugeot. The colour can only best be described as a washed out pale lime green. It's also left hand drive. On the passenger side both hub caps are missing which suggests the driver is single and never looks at the other side as on their side both hub caps are still present. Given its left hand drive and a model I've never seen before, the owner I'd decided is European and moved to the UK and it's now being driven on UK plates meaning they're not looking to return to mainland Europe. Most likely French given its a Peugeot and I'm going to say female because they'd have overlooked the styling and deduced it's both cheap to run and insure, gets you from A to B and given its colour and appearance was buttons to buy. Was I right? No idea there was no one in it.
I'm always amazed at how dog owners ignore what their animals are doing off the leash. Behind one owner a black labrador is treating itself to a breakfast of fresh horse shit. Definitely not something I needed to see on my Saturday morning walk
A woman expertly flies a kite rapidly feeding the line with her left hand whilst not unsurprisingly her young son pays zero attention and has his back to her with no engagement going on between mother and son, only with the kite
A kids football game is in full swing. One of the sides goalkeepers is the shortest player on the pitch by some distance which appears a big disadvantage even in smaller goals. An over zealous adult from the side shouts ‘tuck in’ over and over. Maybe he's also a restauranteur
A woman waters her grass with a watering can going back and forth across its width like a metronome which provides oddly compelling viewing. It must appeal to my OCD on some Level
21st
A car number plate on a black Mercedes finds a smile WO06 HAR spaced to read more like a Busta Rhymes Woo Har and yes I know technically it's HAH.
In the corner of the heath sits an air ambulance stationary. It's boxed in by a fence and trees and you realise with its sheer size that there really is no room for error when landing it.
A dog charges at me angrily, thankfully on the lead of an owner who has headphones in and is paying no attention. I only just avoid being bitten. No apologies or acknowledgement at all from the owner to me. I'd have given him a piece of my mind if he wasn't still attached to the dog.
22nd
A high sided removals lorry removes several dozen crab apples and leaves from a collection of overhanging branches over a road
A teenage girl walks with black spots randomly adorning her face like she's lost a fight with a marker pen on the way home from school. It's a deliberate makeup choice so I'm grateful her headphones are in so she can't hear me laughing my bollocks off once I've passed her
A young woman is walking her dog with no lead. She's dressed like she could be a PE teacher in sports gear with a whistle around her neck but it could be a coincidence and the dog will simply stop upon a solitary blast. There's also a chance I've been conditioned into also stopping to the same noise since childhood but didn't get the chance to find out
Early evening just after sunset and stepping onto a field is like stepping into a walk in freezer proving autumn is already in full effect as the ground no longer holds the days temperature from the sun
23rd
I'm revelling in the sight of the end of a rainbow whilst still stood with the sun on my back when all of a sudden the wet part of the required mixture attacks me from the side. Rude
24th
A woman talks on the phone in a foreign tongue so fast there can't be any gaps between the words and her only punctuation was her laughter interspersed with more words.
A woman rides a small shire horse and thankfully has a sense of humour when I ask if it shrank in the wash
A partridge is sat on a driveway in a middle of a housing estate sensibly a couple of miles away from the countryside and hunting parties
24th
In the distance I can hear an owl that sounds particularly aggrieved. Only drawing closer does it become apparent that it's a child throwing a massive wobbly from behind a bathroom window
25th
A path splits into two and a dog on a leash wants to go one way whilst it's owner the other but rather than perform a song and dance about it the woman shrugs and let's the dog win
A woman walking in the shadows down an alleyway is silhouetted by what light is behind her. She's wearing large baggy trousers which flare out and she's swinging both legs as she walks giving the impression she's a stilt walker who forgot her stilts
Behind the window of a restaurant with net curtains a woman is again silhouetted but she's blessed with a figure that if soundtracked could have been like the start of a classic Bond film
26th
A pair of Canadian Geese fly over my head at a distance of no more than 20 feet like a poor man's air display
A Just Eat delivery driver is walking with a crash helmet on staring intently at his phone but there absolutely no sign of a motorbike as if he's going to turn up with the order and try convince the customer he hadn't just walked there
A group of five teenagers walk abreast down a road at night, one of whom drops an empty McFlurry container on the floor. Realising I'm walking behind and without saying a word he sheepishly picks it up and apologises. I was mortified at being called Sir earlier this month but I guess being an old git helps the environment
27th
A small white hatchback pulls away from the curb and stops just as soon as it had begun it's journey. A man in the passenger seat opens and closes the door causing the interior light to go off but before it does the female driver gives a lovely knowing smile before they're eclipsed Indo darkness which says - you idiot
The calm of an autumn evening at dusk is broken by the silence of several sirens at a multitude of points at the top of the valley that echo around as they respond to an emergency
28th
Laying discarded in grass an ice cream cone and a puddle of melted blue liquid. The top of the cone only slightly touched with blue ice cream suggesting a child took one bite, thought it disgusting and threw it on the floor before it had even had time to make its way down into the centre of the cone
A woman wears a blue shirt that looks like it's got an incredibly large coat hanger still attached inside with broad shoulders which gives it an odd brand hang like it's also been starched to an inch of it's life
29th
A deflated white balloon now resembles a silicone implant if implants were made for saggy breasts
A man takes his dog for a run on an electric skateboard. The man, not the dog. Games gone.
A toddler let out of its buggy walks over to a bench, climbs up and sits back down
Early evening and autumn has definitely arrived as smoke from a wood fire rises from a farm cottage
Smoke from a bonfire hangs thick in the air with zero breeze to move it on and a cooler ground clinging onto it from beneath
In a window on a housing estate a strip light flashes so rapidly it could trigger an epileptic fit. 50 yards on the next road is in complete darkness with a power cut. Define irony.
30th
An old couple are rambling through the countryside a couple of hundred yards from an electric fence and I went to ask if they got their leg over and then must have heard myself say it in my head before the words escaped and stopped short of saying it aloud. I then chuckled to myself for the next 100 yards
“Molly, where do you want your pasta?” “I'll pop you into the boot with your sister then.” Two sentences I've never heard combined in my life before today.
A cyclist sports a beard several inches in length all around that gives the impression that he's Forrest Gump on two wheels
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