Never trust a man with two first names

- God your old man is funny Dawn. 

- Have you's been encouraging him again Matt? Mum'll go daff at you's if she catches you encouraging him y’know?

- Will she?

- Aye she will n’all. Go on then what's he said now?

- Well nothing specific. 

- Well clearly he has otherwise you wouldn't ‘av bort it up. I'm not an idiot you know. 

- Dawn. Darling. 

- Don't patronise me either you fucking twat. What did he say?

- Well upon reflection maybe it wasn't funny after all.

- Did you laff?

- Well, yes. 

- Then you thought it was funny then.

- Maybe I was being polite.

- Are you saying I'm not being polite?

- No, not at all. I'm saying that maybe I was merely mistaken.

- You'll be merely mistaken if you think you're wiggling out of this one mister. 

It hadn't taken Matt long to work out why his father-in-law spent so much time in the pub. Dawn was a woman clearly cut from the left over cloth they'd used to cut his mother-in-law from. They should both be forced to dress only in black from head to toe like modern cigarette packaging and come with a warning strip about how saying the wrong thing could potentially damage your health. 

- Whatever is goan on in that little wee head of yours Matchew I'd suggest it fucking stays in there al’reet?

- Right.

- Great. So what did he say? Don't roll your eyes at me either like.

- I wasn't about to.

- No, you were, you just didn't know it yet like. 

- Do you know after all that I seem to have quite forgotten.

- Bull shit Mahyew.

Matt knew he was in the doghouse when his wife used her full repertoire of not being able to pronounce his full name correctly and was getting more wound up with every minute that passed like an old kettle on the hob about to blow its lid if you didn't lift it off very soon and let it cool back down. 

- Fine. 

Matt folded faster than Superman on washing day. 

- He told me never to trust a man with two first names. 

- Why did he tell you that?

- Because he'd been talking to Jonjo.

- What. Jonjo Bailey?

- Oh, is there more than one?

- Aye. Which pub was you's in like?

- Oh erm the one down near the church. 

- St Caths or St Peters? 

- Oh Christ I don't know, sorry. Which ones which?

- I dunno I canny ever remember. Were it near the little Tesco?

- Yes. 

- Reet then it'll have been the Dog. Did it have a sign of a dog outside?

Matt discounted his first response to the daft question very quickly and sensibly. 

- Yes, yes now you mention it I believe it did.

- Ah OK then that's Jonjo Bailey and Dad's reet. Don't trust ‘im, he's a fooking skeeming little prick that one. 

- Oh OK I will bear that in mind. So there's another Jonjo then I take it?

- Oh aye there's one that drinks in the Fox n’all.

- And is he any better? Any more trustworthy I mean?

- Get tay fook is he. Bastard d’ar av the wallet out of yer fooking pocket given ‘alf a chance like. 

- Ahhh OK duly noted. Anyways isn't Jonjo one name? Not two?

- You thick twat. It's like John and Joeeee and you put them together like. 

Dawn slams her hands into each other which makes Matt flinch and then he watches as she rubs them together like she's auditioning for a handsoap commercial. 

- Wah did ey teach you's in those skools of you's darn sarf like as a ween?

- Matt getting the point now concedes that actually he might have been a thick twat on that one. 

- John Joseph… Jonathan… Joseph. Jon…jo. Gotcha.

- You taking the piss?

- No I was… never mind.

- That's good advice from me Da like. You'll do well to remember it pet.

- I will bear it in mind thank you. 

-S’all reet Matt. But don't encourage him. Specially nah affer a few bevvies mum’ll serve your nuts for Sunnay roost.