John was having flashbacks from his schooldays when he'd try to cheat on tests with scraps of paper containing equations, holding them under his desk trying not to be spotted. Only this time he wasn't a schoolboy anymore and the piece of paper was now a mobile phone on which he was trying to text his daughter Poppy for an out without getting caught.
Text your mother that there has been an emergency and you need us back at the house ASAP.
The three dots blinked on his screen and in one twentieth of the time it took him to write his message she'd replied saying - no way Mum will kill me.
John went to say for fucks sake out loud in annoyance but the inner child knowing how not to get caught pulled him back from the brink.
There's a tenner in it for you, he types and hits send.
£50.
Again somehow he somehow stops himself from swearing out loud.
£20 and I won't ground you for a month for trying to hold me to ransom.
This time no reply in record time. Considering her options? Thinking of a counter offer? Maybe trying to wind me up? Before he had a chance to work out which option it was Marie's phone vibrated on the table and her hand grabbed the phone in record time like someone had just tried to snatch her purse.
Her eyes darted over the message and she immediately stood up from the table.
"Everything OK love?" John asks feigning a look of worry.
"Emergency at home. I'm sorry everyone I've got to go. John you stay here with your brother and Lisa and I'll go sort the kids out I don't want to ruin your evening. David I'm so sorry to run out on you like this I hope you don't mind?"
"Oh not at all Marie. I understand perfectly. Kids come first," he tells her pleased that his brother will at least be able to stay.
"Thank you David. Lisa I hope we can all meet up again soon. John you'll get an Uber home later?"
"Oh are you sure you don't need me to come too? I'm sure David and Lisa won't mind?" Hope sprang eternal from his voice.
Marie extinguished the flames. No Phoenix will be rising on her watch.
"John you know I love you but we both know you're useless in an emergency, you panic too much and get in everyone's way. I'll message you later and let you know what's going on OK?"
Game, set and match Mrs McIlvanney. John old boy you just got your arse handed to you son.
Marie exited left leaving her husband and David to sit through another couple of hours of Lisa talk about nothing other than herself. To add salt to John's wounds Marie messaged him a screenshot of Poppy's message which read - Mum, Dad is trying to blackmail me to give you an out from dinner by saying there's an emergency at home.
Poppy then added the coup de grâce - should have made it £50. Mum says that Uncle David's new gf is FOH, AAM and sooo LAME.
John wondered to himself if Poppy would be alive long enough to tell him what any of those meant after he'd gotten his hands on her.
Finally with both his ears still bleeding John entered the front door of the family home and kicked his shoes off. Perhaps sensibly it looked like everyone else had gone to sleep. John, still unable to believe he got outplayed by not only a 14 year old but also his wife in a double team contemplated what the landscape looked for him now going ahead and frightened of the answer decided to put the TV on instead and collapsed onto the sofa. Underneath the remote sat a handwritten note. Nice try. FYI because we know you'll ask and I don't want you waking me up to do it - full of herself, all about me and LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY!!!
"What the…?" John says out aloud quietly to himself.
He finishes reading the rest of the note.
Thanks for the out though. Christ, where does he find these women from? Love you XXX.
Good point where does he find there women from? John picks up the pen and turns the pad over and tries to name them all. Lisa obviously, Clare with an i and were there two without? Oh there was a Jodie and a Hannah. Actually we all quite liked Hannah from memory… Tracey, Karen, Susie and Becky and…
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