What's going on?

- If I tell you something will you promise me that you won't laugh?

- No.

- Why not?

- ‘Cause it's probably going to be really funny if you're asking me not to laugh at it knowing that's exactly what I'll do. If I told you not to think of a pink elephant what's the first thing you'd think of?

- Erm…a purple coloured double ended dildo.

- Oh for Christ's sakes. Trust you, you kinky bastard.

- What?

- You know exactly what.

- Yeah OK I might have had an inkling. Anyway they do say know your audience.

- Are you calling me a kinky bastard?

- Well if the stilettos fit.

- You cheeky bastard.

- Look we're dangerously getting off the subject topic here. Right, don't… oh no wait we've come full circle. Hmmm. Sod it, here goes nothing. I know this is going to sound really stupid and it's embarrassing when I say it but… I've only just realised how stupid people really are.

As expected Andy laughs at his friends revelation. In fact more than expected, whatever bone it has tickled inside him it really worked and then some.

- You know that now makes you stupid right? And there was me thinking you were one of the smartest people I knew as well. How has it taken you this long to figure out that people are stupid?

- I don't know. I mean look, I get that some people are stupid right. I'm not talking about your average thicko or someone who says something stupid because they've not grasped the concept of something. It turns out that people really are dumb as shit. Like, really fucking dumb. Like, the police should be on high alert because there's a lot of villages missing an idiot.

- OK maybe I'm stupid because you're trying to tell me that you know there's stupid people but you didn't know there were stupid people?

- Maybe I'm not explaining myself very well. I'm surprised when people don't know things, like simple things. You know, basic things about history and the world in general.

- Oh so you're saying they're ignorant?

- Yes, that's a far better word thank you. That's what I'm trying to say. I didn't realise people were so ignorant… and maybe gullible to boot.

- Did you assume that everyone was like you smart arse?

- Yeah, I guess I must have done.

- OK well news flash, we don't all have one of those Sherlock brains like yours you know.

- Sherlock brains?

- Yeah, yeah. Oh God what's it called. See this proves my point. If you knew it you'd say it straight away not like my dumb arse. Hang on.

The room falls silent. Then after twenty seconds of thinking which brought the sum total of zero success, out comes the phone. Finally after some tapping and scrolling he has his answer.

- A memory palace.

- I don't have a fucking memory palace.

- Then how do you retain so much shit in that brain of yours? Mine doesn't work like that, I know that shit for nothing. However if you've heard about it or read about it then you'll magically regurgitate that shit months or years down the line like you heard it yesterday. I can add a note in my phone for ten years from now to remind me to ask you what Sherlock Holmes uses as a memory technique and now you know it, it'll just trip off your tongue.

- Now I doubt that very much.

- No, no, no. It's a pretty safe bet. Honestly the shit that comes out of your mouth some days is mind blowing. I know people who won't talk to you at all.

- What? Why? That can't be true. Is it? Is it true?

- It's ‘cause they think you're Rainman or some shit like that.

- I'm Rainman? I'm fucking Rainman? Fuck you. I'm not trying to constantly work out who's on first base. I couldn't pick Abbott and Costello out of a lineup. I can't tell you the home phone number of the waitress from her name badge when we stop for breakfast in the diner having memorised the entire phone book over a bag of Cheetos.

- See that's my point. I can't tell you anything about Rainman but you're plucking out details of the plot from thin air. I bet you've not seen it in twenty years.

- Well probably not but it's a story being told and everyone remembers stories so that doesn't count.

- Oh no it counts mother fucker. It counts.

- Oh OK well I'm still not Rainman. I can't count cards in a casino or how many cocktail sticks fell on the floor.

- See there you go again.

- What?

- You know what. Just plucking details out of the air and delivering them like vol-au-vants on a silver platter. Let me name another Tom Cruise film. Erm… Jerry Maguire.

- What about it?

- What's the line everyone remembers from the film?

- Look if everyone remembers it then surely that's not really going to prove anything is it?

- Noooo. But …. Let's say you humour me all the same?

- Show me the money.

- OK give me some more.

- I've not watched it in at least twenty years.

- Give me some more.

- I don't know. How are you going to tell if they're right or I'm making them up?

- Because boy you can't lie for shit. Your face goes all weird and your mouth goes all twisty.

- No it doesn't. Does it?

- Doesn't matter. Give me some lines.

- Really?

- Yes really.

- Fine then just give me a moment.

Three seconds of silence and no sign of a phone later

- You had me at hello.

- I didn't know you felt about me that way? I'm genuinely touched. I mean it's not reciprocated but I appreciate you all the same. Give me another.

- You're not funny. Do you know my next door neighbour has two rabbits?

- No I didn't know that. Fascinating fact though thanks for sharing it. Keep going.

- No heart? I'm all heart mother fucker.

- See this is exactly my point. What song was sung at his wedding reception?

- Ohhhh… I don't know.

- Yes you do mother fucker, your mouth is doing the thing. Sing it.

- Jesus I'm not a performing monkey.

- Sing it.

- Mother mother… there's… er. There's too many of you crying… Brother, brother, brother there's too many of us dying. Something, something, something…and find some loving here today. Ohhhhh what's going on?