1st
A woman opens a passenger car door and recoils with a loud shriek and then laughs hysterically. Clearly she wasn't expecting someone to be sat In there and not helped by the car picking her up having been sat in darkness
Late at night a man walks down a deserted street carrying a boom box pumping out Mexican music loudly. As he walks past my line of sight I do wonder if I'm in the middle of a cheese dream
3rd
The blind on a front window is only pulled down about 80% of the way, behind which is sat a woman sporting a towel wrapped around her head sitting side portrait motionless like a bizarre horizontal work of art
A man walks across a car park in the dark looking down at the phone in his hand and impales himself on a gate which must be a good four feet high. Untangling himself he walks through the exit looking straight at me where I'm desperately trying to keep a straight face and not burst out laughing
A couple are walking around the outskirts of town at 2215 desperately searching the streets for where she's parked her car
4th
A woman walks a dog with a huge white fluffy coat which looks like she's walking a cloud which is ironic because you assume it can't be walked in the rain
A horse acts like a toddler refusing to move where its rider wants to go and dips its front to try throw the person off who gamely held on
The clare du lune paints the damp black slate roof tiles of a house with simplistic beauty
Through a window you can see a pop up casino and bar for a works Christmas party. A man is stood by the roulette table looking a little bit too comfortable with his surroundings. Let's hope he's not the company accountant
A traditional red double decker bus is broken down by the side of a road at the bottom of a steep hill. I wonder how big a tow truck you'd need to tow something that size away if they couldn't start it again?
5th
11pm on a wet night with gale force winds, from the south comes a continual volley of blasts like war had broken out on the far outskirts of town
6th
On two trees one single leaf remains on each gallantly holding on against the onset of winter, all their comrades long since fallen
In a field half a dozen men or more are stood brandishing shotguns, a sight which in many parts of the UK would herald a much different reaction
Two dozen or more pigeons sit upon ledges under a bridge like a shooting gallery at a fair. It's a good job they've not met the acquaintance of the gentlemen bearing shotguns this morning
A woman sits outside an event on a bench, cocktail in hand. Her dress shouts summer, her huddled body screams winter
A car stereo blasts into life and quickly has the volume turned all the way down as the opening bars to Brittany Spears Toxic belt out
Five people vacate a small works van definitely designed to only carry two passengers and those both legally in the front. Two girls dressed for a night on the town and not for the winter weather try to get a march on. Two lads head straight for the nearest wall to relieve their bladder with a third not sure whether to stay or follow the girls. I note all three lads are dressed for the weather and none offer their coats to the girls
10th
Half ten at night and through the calm of a winters evening birds can still be heard happily chirping away in the trees all around. A wonderful reminder of how wonderful the world is if only we paid more attention
Three girls are searching by the road for one of their phones which has been lost. One of them finds it and so thrilled is the owner and dumbfounded at the same time that her speech is reduced to nothing more than the words shut up in various degrees of tone. Walking past and hearing her, it came as no surprise that she was the one who had lost it. If only she could have shut up
A fern tree has fairy lights twisting around it from bottom to top resembling a giant twister ice cream
11th
1549 and a woman walking a dog says morning to me. I wonder if she walked away thinking why the fuck did I just say morning?
A woman in a tracksuit looks like a brunette version of the Vicky Pollard yeah but no but character from Little Britain
Deep in the countryside at dusk a fox with the longest body darts across a field towards a forest. To the south east the clouds on the horizon are all dull pink
A man in his 30s walks down a hill in trousers so wide and baggy that had they been golden he should have been singing you can't touch this
12th
A crow struggles to hold a full walnut in its beak in the manner a small dog struggles to hold a tennis ball.
15th
From out the dark a huge illuminated vehicle comes along the road but it's not obvious to work out what it is. Transpires it's an incredibly high sided horse carrier. I'm guessing there's an awful lot of money tied up in it's cargo because it's on a grand scale I'd never seen before
A walk around town becomes a lesson in class status by Christmas decorations. Council estates adorned with garish lights in abundance. Moving up through the middle classes with houses sporting bay windows with subtly decorated trees up to the Georgian townhouses with nothing more than a solitary floral reef on the door if anything at all.
In low light the face of a young woman sporting heavy makeup is the colour and sheen of a roast chicken that's fresh from the oven
16th
From the other side of a large glass window a woman throws a ridiculously long scarf over both her shoulders like a coalman throws a sack or given its close to Christmas maybe that should have been like Santa with presents.
Ten to five and someone to the north of town is treating everyone to an impromptu fireworks display which is over not much long after it began but it looked impressive whilst it lasted
A car transporter makes its way around a large roundabout making a terrible racket as it goes owing to one of the cars on the bottom rung's alarm going off on a constant loop
I hit south and downwind of the sugar beet factory and the smell was like walking into a closed fist with my nostrils
The steamed up windows of a JCB digger are illuminated by the downstairs lights of a grand sprawling townhouse, the occupiers of which I'm sure will be thrilled to see the back of the little works machine which has lived for over a year in their view across the road.
I always think there's a great irony in the speed gritters drive on the road like an inbuilt belief that they're the fourth emergency service attending to an emergency.
17th
A dog lumbers very slowly down a quiet road. Its appearance is one of a giant traditional soft fur teddy bear moving on all fours just with a dog shaped head. I pinch myself just in case I'm having a cheese dream
A man carries over his shoulder two giant heads of flat orange brushes. Maybe they're tooth brushes for the BFG for Christmas or maybe he's half inched them off a road sweeper when no one was looking
18th
Torrential weather of wind and rain leaves one dog owner looking less than impressed walking along. However her black and white dog looks like it may have had the time of its life as it's now more ash grey, muddy brown and black. Maybe it's not the weather making her look miserable but the reality of having to bath it when they get in.
19th
A woman outside a pub is bent double in hysterics. Somehow between cackles she announces that she can't breathe then goes back to laughing
20th
A huge group of men, women and children are waiting as a family get into a car. One of the women says “It's been emotional right.” The adding of the last word makes it sound confrontational and out of context from how it was probably meant
Not yet half ten and a group from a Christmas party are well oiled stood outside the venue smoking. One lady starts singing “Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole,’ but stops short of adding ‘feeling hot, hot, hot.’ Another clearly worse for wear is showing another woman her shoes which look like they're causing her considerable pain. Black high heels encrusted with white studs, they look like they're made from the same material as clogs and are probably breaking her feet with every step. Inside Lulu is being played singing shout and the DJ fades her up and down so the guests can sing the words back. One man smokes on the corner far away from all the madness as if highlighting he'd rather be anywhere else but there tonight
Outside a pub a lad shouts at a girl as if trying to impress her in some obscure comedic manner which isn't working. The next street over, a very tall man in a Christmas jumper darts out into the road and runs up it, totally unaware a car is behind him now crawling along. Another lad launches a red Christmas tree bauble high into the air and into the road. A woman in a long red coat walking the other way briefly looks across and you can tell she's glad to be walking away from town. Too many men tanked up on dick head juice to feel safe out on your own
21st
Two men are dressed in walking gear and look like they made the mistake of announcing their plans to their respective partners as both have a small toddler strapped to their backs and have very large dogs on leads. Somewhere are also two women tucked up in a warm bed sound asleep
On a vast playing field with 3 football pitches and a rugby pitch, a solitary gull sits atop a cross bar surveying its land like a King
A little girl on a scooter coming down a hill is giving herself a Pep talk “you're getting the hang of this. Yayyyy. Well done!” I'd have high fived her if she wasn't gripping it for dear life with both hands
22nd
A fighter jet punches its way through the afternoon shouting through the sky - out of my way I'm very important and have to be somewhere in a hurry
A very tall man in his early 20s with a beard and glasses looks like a Russian Gerry Adams with the fur hat atop his head
By a river the path is marked with piles of bird excrement so large and numerous I'd not have been surprised to stumble across an ostrich with a case of the trots
5pm and two little boys barefoot in pyjamas are outside in the rain like Dickensian street urchins
23rd
An old man is holding onto the top of a wall, one foot wedges the back of the other and he's moving his remaining foot up and down out of his shoe presumably trying to scratch an itch but instead he looks like he's trying to inflate a wall with a pump
25th
A little girl in her party dress rides a wooden horse up the high street. There's a new sheriff in town
Not only is it not a white Christmas there's not a single cloud to be found in the sky
Strong winds play the environment like a set of musical instruments. The masts of moored boats clang and the long reeds whistle
Two dozen sandpipers dip their heads into the silt, bring them up and shake their heads against the backdrop of a low midday sun which shimmers the ground below and makes them look like a glitch in the matrix
Just after sunset an old couple sit atop a fallen tree deep in the countryside far away from the madness of the day
26th
Two men walk past my window in different directions both looking like their out walking the excesses of yesterday off whilst wearing their new Christmas presents, one a coat and the other a hat neither of which I suspect would have been their choice judging by the colours and styles
27th
An abundance of partridges in the countryside which is very on brand for the time of year however none of which are in a pear tree.
A squirrel is sat on a branch staring into space like it's considering its life choices. Either that or it's been put on the naughty branch and sulking
30th
A works van has an Oldham Athletic scarf proudly displayed in its window. I wonder if he typed the wrong Bury into his sat nav?
31st
Through net curtains in the front room of a house is a bed with a bike propped up against it which isn't what you'd normally expect to find.
Three squirrels are on a footbridge like a gang of youths ready to pounce
A woman stands in the road waiting for her dog to move but it steadfastly refuses to budge. She asks what I assumed to be her mother - when did he get so stubborn?
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