A forever work in progress

- If I tell you something will you promise me that you won't laugh? - No.  - Why not? - ‘Cause it's probably going to be really funny if you're asking me not to laugh at it knowing that's exactly what I'll do. If I told you not to think of a pink elephant what's the first thing you'd think of? - Erm…a purple coloured double ended dildo. - Oh for Christ's sakes. Trust you, you kinky bastard. - What? - You know exactly what. - Yeah OK I might have had an inkling. Anyway they do say know your audience. - Are you calling me a kinky bastard? - Well if the stilettos fit. - You cheeky bastard. - Look we're dangerously getting off the subject topic here. Right, don't… oh no wait we've come full circle. Hmmm. Sod it, here goes nothing. I know this is going to sound really stupid and it's embarrassing when I say it but… I've only just realised how stupid people really are. As expected Andy laughs at his friends revelation. In fact more than exp...

On a cold blustery wet winter morning the British weather was in a particularly spiteful mood. Clara was sat watching the world trying its best to go by with little signs of success from the window of her local coffee shop. A man on the opposite side of the road was busy becoming more irate by the second as the family dog had decided to crouch and do it's business on the pavement. Having turned to try work out why the lead in his hand had pulled taught, the umbrella he was carrying in the other blew inside out with such a force it had probably rendered it instantly useless and clearly irked he'd shouted something which couldn't be made out behind the pane of glass. Whether it had been aimed at the dog, the umbrella or both is anyone's guess but whatever and whoever it was aimed at it had proved the tipping point for the little girl who was with him who was now wailing beside the dog to compound his misery. For a second or two Clara briefly considered putting down the ho...

- God your old man is funny Dawn.  - Have you's been encouraging him again Matt? Mum'll go daff at you's if she catches you encouraging him y’know? - Will she? - Aye she will n’all. Go on then what's he said now? - Well nothing specific.  - Well clearly he has otherwise you wouldn't ‘av bort it up. I'm not an idiot you know.  - Dawn. Darling.  - Don't patronise me either you fucking twat. What did he say? - Well upon reflection maybe it wasn't funny after all. - Did you laff? - Well, yes.  - Then you thought it was funny then. - Maybe I was being polite. - Are you saying I'm not being polite? - No, not at all. I'm saying that maybe I was merely mistaken. - You'll be merely mistaken if you think you're wiggling out of this one mister.  It hadn't taken Matt long to work out why his father-in-law spent so much time in the pub. Dawn was a woman clearly cut from the left over cloth they'd used to cut his mother-in-law from. They should...

“Fucking hell. Hark at Charlie big potatoes over here trying to give it the biggun.” That voice you can hear is Kev. He's my best mate. We've been mates since before we even knew that being mates was even a thing. Got dumped down on a nursery floor as toddlers and have been pretty much inseparable ever since. We've never known a time in our lives when the other wasn't there. From the time both of us were old enough to form memories there we both were. Me and Kev, Kev and me. I'm Josh by the way and tonight as always I'm playing the role of wingman because that's what I do best. Where women are concerned Kev has the eyes of a hawk and the nose of a bloodhound. He can pick up the sight and smell of a single female like he was first in the queue when God was handing out that particular set of skills. He was also near the front for charm for his own good. As for me? Well I'm good at maths, not so great where members of the opposite sex are concerned. We coul...