A portly affair

Tobias Bunbridge had the incredible good fortune of having been born into wealth. Sadly for young Tobias he'd also had the misfortune of having been born a portly baby, weighing in at an eye watering 15lbs and 8 ounces which has nearly been the ruin of his poor mother. He was cursed with a metabolism as slow as a Galapagos tortoise and seemingly only had to smell food to gain an extra lb in weight. His mother always insisted on dressing him like a member of the landed gentry from the time his chubby cumbersome little legs finally decided that they would perform the duties for what mother nature had designed them for and give his poor suffering mothers back a much needed rest. Sadly for Tobias this garb left him looking much like Toad of Toad Hall as a child and latterly, as an adult, to the Bond villain Stavros Blofelt playing through on the back 9 of the local golf course.

Growing up he was notoriously slow on both his feet and equally between the ears and so his parents had decided against a private school education and instead farmed him off to the local comprehensive which at least saved him the indignity of looking like Billy Bunter throughout his schooling. The Bunbridge’s were a family with a fine naval tradition but poor Tobias's broad frame and ample waistline of his teenage years meant his only use to the Royal Navy would have been as a buoyancy aid for sailors should the ship have gone down. This did at least in turn save him the indignity of being compared to Herman Goering in those times that the former German military Officer had been wearing his white uniform similar to those worn by naval officers. 

As to why Tobias had been born so rotund no one in the family was ever sure. His mother was from a long line of svelts and his father a slight gentleman to boot. His mother had carried him much like a bowling ball with no other obvious signs that she was pregnant at all other than the hormonal imbalance and an insatiable craving for cottage cheese on raw onions which had left her with acutely bad breath that could knock a pheasant out down wind from 50 yards away. However on account of her hormonal imbalance everyone had thought it terribly wise not to ever mention this to her. There were the usual jokes about the milkman of course though no one fancies that milk, even when full fat, could account for his significant bulk and there wasn't an equivalent custardman doing the rounds making special deliveries. He looked every part the Bunbridge in his facial features so the thought had never crossed his father's mind that the lad couldn't have been his. None of his siblings had ever troubled the weighing scales in the same manner either for that matter. Annabelle shared her mothers waif. Henry and Albert were both trim chaps who had never had any trouble locating what hung between their legs or what other things it could be used for by the time they'd entered their teenage years. Poor Tobias by that same age could only claim a vague memory of what his little friend looked like having long since been horrified by his own reflection and moreover his body in a full length mirror. He could at least still feel it though and that was comforting knowledge enough for him of its continued existence. 

Despite the pitfalls of his appearance, many a fine lady had remarked what a wonderful husband he would make, loyal as any dog you'd ever find, just none of them would commit to the notion that he was the one for her. Unbeknownst to Toby he had nearly had the chance to lose his virginity to Mrs Langthorn from the village who'd taken to riding anything with a pulse after discovering her husband's infidelity with their 19 year old nanny. One night after four substantial sized gin and tonics she was going to drag him away from a social event held in the church hall and teach him all about the birds and the bees but had then consumed a fifth for Dutch courage and subsequently passed out and upon sobering up the next morning decided it had been a sign from God and never went near the thought or Tobias every again and that was that. At some point by his middle age there stood a chance that he'll have come into a considerable amount of inherited wealth. There was an equal chance however that he'd have also entered his Churchill years by then with fading eyesight and a receding hairline which would most likely stifle his chances once more even being flushed with a few pound notes in his back pocket.

Poor Bunny. Still he'd always remain his mother's special little soldier… well, maybe not little, but still her special soldier at least.