1st
A learner driver indicates right to pull into the left hand kerb which is slightly worrying
In the valley the sound of a fighter jet punching it's way through the air on a loop can be heard but it's source never seen or maybe the God's have been angered
8 people of equal sexes are dressed in jogging gear stood still on the edge of a road. There seems to be something missing from this particular running club. It'll come to me
3rd
From a tall tree battered to and throw by strongs winds a flock of crows fly out as if being catapulted. Each wave of birds struggles to move forward and finds itself pushed back yet somehow they all start to make progress albeit looking more like they're doing a bumblebee dance
I let go of an audible gasp as a badger shoots out the long grass no more than 15 foot away, crosses my path and vanishes into more long grass as quickly as it had appeared. As always no one about to tell what I'd seen when I'm genuinely excited
4th
A man walks into strong winds with a wide brim hat that he's having to hold onto desperately and in the other hand he's grasping what I assumed to be a map on a giant scroll of paper divided into two rolls which you'd never be able to open in the wind
A man in a passenger seat of a car sports a large moustache and has a t-shirt wrapped around his forehead. He has Captain Blackadder vibes about him and all he's missing are two pencils up his nose and to start answering everything by saying wibble
A lad in his late teens walks past me late at night carrying an open box of mince pies. I feel like smacking him round the back of the head and going NO, not yet! but given he's half my size, a foot shorter and wearing glasses I leave him be
5th
A flock of sheep run across a field for a reason they no not why at the back. All except two who've stopped tor a Mexican standoff and start to butt heads violently.
I walk past a young couple sorting out a future plan, her opening gambit without a hint of irony was to say “I've got Morris Dancing practice first.” I'll let you know when my raised eyebrow drops back down.
Two teenage boys are singing an appalling rendition of Rihanna’s - Please don't stop the music, as they walk in the dark clearly unaware anyone can hear or see them. It's the level of bad you'd usually reserve for the X Factor audition process. The louder of the two also has a woeful dance to go with it. Let's hope he doesn't come back as a tropical bird in his next life trying to find a mate
Three people sit on the floor of a small triangular traffic island having a heated argument which makes for a bizarre sight at twenty to eleven on a quiet Sunday evening.
Just gone 11pm and the pub must have shut its doors as a gentleman in his 60s attempts to acquaint himself with a garden fence every couple of yards, swaying like he's onboard the deck of an ocean liner miles out to sea. Had the fence been three foot shorter I'd have been shouting man overboard
6th
The top of the moon sits above the treeline providing the perfect optical illusion that it's larger than it will appear later when in full view when in reality there is zero discernable difference.
7th
More tales of sheep chasing each other endlessly with no purpose. Half the flock circle a giant tree at quite a pace and have basically joined up with the tail of the followers who still continue on rather than thinking, hmmm why am I still running if you're now coming back past me?
Ten to seven and a small hedgehog scuttles about in low light. Maybe it's afraid of the dark
8th
“Oh fuck my dad's home I'm done for,” one schoolgirl to another overhead as they walked home.
A muntjac stares at me from a distance of no more than ten feet away. I make a mental note to try remind myself how blessed I am by my surroundings and not take them for granted
A woman out walking wears a horizontal striped rugby shirt in Bagpuss colours and yes in case you were wondering she was also sporting a sad face
10th
Four teenage girls walk down a path arms locked in one row like they're ready to bow down and slam into a rugby scrum if anyone was to blow a whistle
11th
A man stands in front of a car which every inch of is covered in white soap suds like a child who you've let shampoo their own hair and you can't tell where one ends and the other begins
A dad promises his son they'll visit a play park back on the way back from where they're heading. Clearly burned by previous experience he amusingly stretches out his hand saying “that's a deal we've got to shake on it,” despite being no more than 8 years old.
A father is stood behind a makeshift set or green plastic cricket stumps complete with a stick on top for the bales whilst his son of no more than six or seven goes throw a series of practice drills adeptly throwing the ball back for a child of his age.
A small boy let's fly with a volley from a good 30 yards with all his might over the head of another child and an adult in goal. Everything appears to slow down as I wait for it to drop into the goal but instead it goes wide by about a foot to the left and I'm maybe more disappointed than the lad is
I'm alerted to the presence or a van behind me as it wheel spins with a loud screech of tyres. It overtakes me before a T junction, wheel spins a second time as it moves off right displaying the Amazon branding alongside huge dents in the side panelling which frankly come as no surprise
Busy day for emergencies as a second air ambulance circles into the hospital in under an hour
It transpires that nothing empties the bowels quicker and tests whether your heart is still working quite like a shotgun blast taken by someone obscured from your view a few foot away catching you totally unawares
A woman is playing football with her son who quickly relieves her of the ball. She runs off arms and legs akimbo rocking from side to side which I found to be highly comical which I think was the effect she was striving for
12th
A man carries a little boy on his back who's got a stick in his hand aimed high like a jockey ready to whip his horse to the finishing line
14th
A man struggles with the latch on his garden gate which won't open. In the end after much rattling he does what most men do in the same situation, which is to say he kicked it.
It's dusk and in the last of the days light a pink ice cream van is still open, it's window offset by wonky fairy lights around its entirety with its owner probably hoping for one last sale albeit he's actually nowhere in sight. Mind you he might be asleep on the floor in the back.
2313 hours and at the bottom of a drive a sofa has appeared which wasn't there earlier in the night. I'm tempted to flop into it and rest but it would be sod's law that it's covered in pet hairs and I spend the rest of my night with my eyes on stalks and struggling to breath so think better of it.
15th
For years my mother has pointed out not to buy kids expensive presents, just give them the box they come in because that's what they'll end up playing with. I'm walking down the road and outside a house there is a box stood on its side and I'm impressed with how big it is. It's for a 55” TV and even as an old man I'm more impressed with the size of the box. I didn't take it to play with BTW
16th
A large white horse tilts its head to one side, lowers it down and uses the post of a gate to have a good scratch and returns to its starting point. Then decides the itch is still there and repeats the process.. which answered a question I never knew I needed to ask
17th
An American couple of retirement age walk towards me and the wife enquiries after my being with genuine sincerity clearly unaware that the British only ask to avoid any level of actual conversation when meeting another person out and about
Two middle aged women walk down the middle of a road, one incredibly tall dressed in a luminous pink top with matching coloured tutu, the other significantly shorter wearing a luminous yellow top and black tutu. Both appear sober as a judge which is maybe the most surprising thing of all
For the past couple of weeks the wind has been kind to me but tonight its changed course as the smell of sugar beet assaults my nostrils with real violence. Stephen Fry’s grandfather can go fuck himself
18th
A woman looks out of place as she walks alone down the path of a village high street dressed with a fascinator to the right of her hair, a shawl draped over shoulders and an elegant dress that comes down to her ankles.
A man is stood in the centre of a mass of overgrown green foliage holding a large branch which he is swinging from left to right trying to find something hidden within. All he's missing is a mask and uniform and he'd look like an ice hockey player from one of the games you could buy during the 1980s. After a while a small black dog charges past probably thinking whatever dog is for haven't you found it yet?
A little boy is being pushed around in a stroller wrapped in so many layers topped off with a thick padded suit that you could leave him in the arctic and he'd probably survive. If they replicated it on an adult scale you could market it as a diet product to sweat a few pounds off
19th
A man sits on a bench enjoying the autumn sun. Atop his gigantic round belly sits a tray of ice cream. So large is he that it's hard to work out where there's any room for the dessert. Had he been wearing a shirt you'd have expected a button to ping off under the strain
A woman walks with ski poles around a public park. She wears a large purple hat thay doesn't fit with the rest of her appearance. It's probably meant tor weddings but could also well have been styled on a wide rimmed flower pot turned upside down
20th
A car parked outside a church has its wheel clamped for being parked illegally which doesn't feel very Christian
Late at night in low light fallen orange leaves adorn the gutter like someone has spilt a box of giant cornflakes
21st
A middle aged woman skips down a path like she's at primary school again. Whatever she's on I'll have a double dose
A man in his 20s walks past with a floppy fringe down to his chin dyed pink and white, wearing trousers one leg of pink and one leg of blue. He's like a hybrid Kurt Cobain crossed with a Balamory character
An electric Porsche is the lone vehicle parked on a narrow road. A couple of days ago a removal van took half a tree out down the same stretch of road because of a lack of space. The Porsche is as wide as a bus and a very expensive sitting duck
A black dog quite literally bounces through a forest like he's having the greatest time. Maybe he was a kangaroo in his last life
Far off on the horizon just the tip of a rainbow comes from the earth like it's quite literally exploding colour upwards. Latterly the light swaps positions so that it then appears to float like an orb in the sky and both appear in a way far more beautiful than an ordinary rainbow would have done
The inside of a bus is illuminated blue giving it the appearance of a giant tropical fish tank on wheels
A young woman is regaling a story to which her friend says ‘Really?’ twice in disbelief with her face grimacing. I want to say yes really, really but think better of it
21st
A woman opens a car door and gives a high pitched loud “Hiya’ to which the female driver responds with an equally high pitched loud ‘Hi’ which could probably have been heard several streets away
22nd
A learner is stopped in the middle of a road and gives it full beans on the revs. Perhaps there's a new emergency revs stipulation on the driving test replacing emergency stops
A little boy of 3 of 4 creeps across grass like an expert hunter before freezing like a statue for several seconds as he approaches a black and white cat. Frighteningly impressive, you could train him as a ninja or a burglar
24th
A large hare springs from a woods onto the road I'm walking down. It was looking full of purpose, then sees me and does a 180
5 geese fly in a V formation perfectly silhouetted against the last of the days light
Late at night I'm treated to a demonstration of how fast rats can run when one shoots out from one bush into another and vanishes as fast as it had appeared
25th
A man walking his dogs let's out a long ohhhhhh in resignation of having stepped in the joins of plastic coverings across grass and forcing all the water trapped underneath to spring up and over his canvas shoe leaving it soaked much to my amusement on the other side of the road
A woman is standing outside a cafe texting, sporting a purple and green ski jacket proving fashion is cyclical and I'm transported back to 1990.
An old man on a mobility scooter is travelling in low light with a hood pulled down low over his head. His face is palely lit from below giving him the appearance of Emperor Palpatine in the Empire Strikes Back
27th
A man is stood at an electrical recycling point dismantling whatever white goods he's trying to deposit. Even then it doesn't fit and he stands like a giant toddler trying to match the shapes with the correct holes
Mist clings to the grass on a flood plain like a giant cotton wool bud
In the very, very last of the days light I can make out the shadow of a deer which does a 180° turn and hops across to another one stood 50 yards behind
29th
Out of the darkness a heron takes flight like a large black apparition vanishing as quickly as it had appeared like a trick of the mind
30th
“You used to push me in my push chair and now it's my turn to push you.” A son to his elderly mother as he takes her for some air outside the hospital
In the pitch black you can hear a man shouting at a dog for several minutes all the time being ignored. The only thing that marks the two out are single lights on each a large distance apart
31
I find myself in a bottle neck of five large but thankfully docile large dogs swimming around my legs like sharks that have thankfully for me eaten lunch
A man in a small diesel van, its engine turning over is comatose in the driver's seat. I pass a couple of hours later and look back in the window and the man is stretching and then slumps and closes his eyes again engine still running. Not an environmentalist clearly
Why did the boy on a blowup chicken costume cross the road? Not a joke, a genuine observation
A black Mercedes drives two kids between lit up houses trick or treating. You imagine they could hit every house in town and open a sweet shop tomorrow
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