1st
A heron flies just low enough beneath the horizon of a hill so that I'm being treated to the bizarre sight of the top of its wings appearing and disappearing like it's communicating in morse code as it heads on its way and breaks the sunlight behind it
Five squirrels clamber up the trunk of a centuries old oak tree giving rise to the question of how many exactly could it house in its giant structure?
A fox runs out from some bushes up a steep road leading to a farm and stops dead in its tracks and looks at me. By the time my bag is off my shoulder reaching for my camera it has jumped down a ditch, clambered up the other side and almost out of sight across the field opposite. You'll sadly have to take my word for it.
A woman walks down a hill clutching a large white wire heart to her chest. All around the rest of town people are dressed in Halloween garb. Either she's eight and a half months late or 3 and a half months too early. Interestingly the man she's with is distanced as he walks from her as if the moment means more to her than it does to him.
Four women dressed in black are congregated outside a Halloween event cackling with laughter perfectly in character for a group of witches minus the pointy hats and brooms. Inside the high ceiling is illuminated a lurid green as the sound of Wham reverberates off the walls
3rd
A family of 3 are out walking 2 dogs. The Dad trips over and receives no sympathy whatsoever, only merciless teasing which he takes all in his stride better than his actual one before he tripped
An owl double screeches three times in quick succession a second before bells chime for five as if they were one and the same object, like a modern twist on a cuckoo clock
At least fifty grand of black Mercedes is parked horizontally across 3 parking bays. I won't repeat what I first thought but as I walk past the front left wing I noticed that the bumper was away from the body and by the time I was able to see the entire front I could make out in the relative dark the entire front grill wasn't being held on by much. Shame.
5th
An electronic car reverses sounding like a submarine using sonar. Maybe it's sweeping for enemy vessels?
On the step of a doorway into a now closed petrol station are sat two teenage girls flanked by two lads stood either side. The lads need to up their dating game clearly
6th
The autumn sky falls from orange, to pink to grey and soon darkness will follow as this side of the world falls asleep and the other side begins to wake
Up the road there's a commotion out of my sight. A car stops and reverses back up a one way street. A man is lying on the path opposite. He gets to his feet and is talking on the phone and makes his way to a takeaway where a man is stood outside telling him to leave. He claims he's on the phone to the police. Do you want to talk to the police? - I want you to leave. What neither of them can see is the two officers who happen to be walking down the hill. Couldn't have timed that better if they'd tried I tell them and carry on into the night
7th
Ten yards past a stall en route to a fireworks display a mother is stood with a child who's clearly not falling for parent bull shit as she vehemently tells her mother “they don't, I've been there before.”
10pm and a woman half crosses the road, stops and turns, holds a pose and then carries on like she's in her own private fashion show. Only having done all that smoothly does she stumble and give away the fact she's more than likely absolutely plastered
A man and a woman are walking down the road together and at one point he starts to rub her back like he's tending to an upset child. I notice on the last stroke down his hand finished off her backside. I imagine he'd try the yawn stretch and bring his arm down around her shoulder in a cinema too.
Twenty past eleven and a young woman stands in the road by the passenger door of a car wearing light blue trousers with what I can only assume are embroidered with hundreds of sequins which sparkle in the light like she's stolen all the stars from the night sky above. On the back of her pink top is a giant bow like she's someone's present for the night
Half eleven and I inadvertently discovered what time the lights are switched off in my home town. Thankfully I'd clocked the large wheelie bin blocking the path twenty yards ahead before I was thrown into complete darkness
8th
Two women walk almost identikit to one another, hair tied back in ponytails, black leggings, white socks and trainers, clasping cups with straws. Their only difference the colour of their tops
Just over half dozen turkeys make an incredible din as they scarper to safety. It strikes me they're not usually that jittery, then it dawns on their numbers are down by a good 80%. They've clearly not been voting for Christmas
A woman wears a black hat with white spots in front of me. I have to stop myself from telling her it's the same pattern that turkeys have on their feathers
Four adults who look of retirement age sit around a table in a holiday cottage in silence all looking down at phones in hand. And they moan at teenagers…
A young lad walks with one arm stretched out for balance and in the other he carries a bag which looks like he's weighed down by bricks. Every 30 yards he swaps arms and repeats
9th
In the light of autumnal midday sun, golden oak tree leaves gently fall to the ground rocked by an invisible hand whilst nature sings them lullabies
14th
Behind a garden fence a golden retriever is sat stoically upright guarding a solitary male shoe to its side. Motionless, all it needs is one of those tall back hats worn by the King's Guard to complete the look
A pumpkin on a doorstep is doing a great impression of a snowman in the sun as the bottom half collapses like it's melting away
A car rounds a corner onto an empty road and floors it finding out that a is for aquaplaning as the rear end kicks out right then left and s.y.p stands for … well you can guess that one if I tell you y is your and p is pants
The peace of the night air is shattered by a wheelchair accessible vehicle exiting a roundabout too quickly in the wet and a crunching sound as it drove into a set of railings which adorn the side of the footpath in front for protection
15th
A half dozen Egyptian geese are perched in a tree jittery making loud honking noises. Far off in the distance a volley of shotgun blasts can be heard sending them all quickly into the air
By the side of a river a heron flies overhead majestically in silence. As I turn to follow its path a man looks at me briefly as if to wonder what I'm looking at but doesn't think to look up
18th
Half ten and a woman is crouched in the middle of a road junction. Drawing level I can see she's got her phone out taking a photo of a spirit's miniature wedged in between two small slabs. I want to ask her as to why but I'm afraid I might get stuck while she tells me
21st
A fox trots across a misty field, stops at the edge of a fence, checks around and then vanishes out of sight to continue on its journey
20th
A gull screeches just the once in a key and pitch that makes it sound like the opening to Cypress Hills - We ain't going out like that. I hope they pay it royalties
21st
The setting sun casts shadows from trees across a farmers field lit bright green some 100ft long across its entire width
22nd
On the side of a hulking Range Rover are imprinted the words drive green with no sense of irony
A sign outside a house reads help yourself. However with no goods with it, it reads more like practical advice to anyone passing
The peace of the countryside is broken by a low flying Chinook which is carrying a large container from a cargo net
23rd
On sunlit flooded roads a succession of passing cars create split second rainbows as the rainwater quickly rises and falls away
24th
A woman despairs and tugs desperately on a lead as her dog shoves it's face into a chocolate brown muddy puddle to drink from
The bells from the Norman Tower reverberate around the enclosed space around it for the best part of a minute like a warning sign to the townsfolk that they're under attack
A woman rides her bike up a hill in the dark singing as she goes deeply embedded in her own little world until the realises she has an impromptu audience and stops mouth wide open
A woman dressed like a small Victorian boy looks like she's stolen a character from sesame street and placed it on her head poorly hidden under her hat
I walk past a parked car complete with a pink fluffy steering wheel and a pair of reindeer antlers protruding from the roof and briefly tried to imagine the type of person who'd drive a car like that and quickly moved on without formulating an answer to the conundrum but hoping I'd not bump into them
25th
Out of the dark night my eyes dart to movement in the top window of a house which owing to the height of the road adjacent is oddly nearly at eye height. A man has appeared showing his exposed chippy tits and beer gut which burns my eyes
In the car park of a vets a woman pulls on the lead of a dog who steadfastly refuses to move. Behind them exit a couple where a man appears to he consoling a woman holding her coat to her face
27th
An American man in his late 20s finishes his interaction with a member of staff in Asda with the words “it was good to meet you Bob,” and left you thinking you've not been stationed here long, we'll knock it out of you before you finish your tour.
A lad cycles down a road on the wrong side in the pitch black with no lights, no handed because he was eating, all the while with a car coming up behind him. I couldn't see if he had headphones on as well but I'd not have been surprised if he had
On the corner of a road in the darkness is stood a blonde in cowboy boots and a flowy skirt as if waiting to go line dancing. I didn't see the person's face but from the side profile they were suspiciously tall, broad shouldered and looking like they were wearing a wig.
I look up at a car packed full of young fellas going slowly up a hill ironically next to a police station and I'm suddenly acutely aware in the poor light that there's a young lad hanging off the passenger side. Now presumably he was on something with wheels that I couldn't see from my view but there's also a chance he was just genuinely clung on to the side
A boy racer drives along making a terrible racket and then makes his engine fire three times louder than a display at a military tattoo. The good news is he won't have heard what I called him however there's a good chance I might have PTSD from it
28th
Rush hour and an emergency vehicle puts on its lights and sirens and flies past. Not the police, ambulance, fire or paramedics but something to do with SARS which is imprinted in large letters down the side of the vehicle. One Google search later and I'm relieved to discover nothing to do with the virus
Love is in the air as I pass three couples holding hands and one where the woman is making loving looks at her partner. You'd be forgiven for thinking it was mid February
A Terrier puppy walks down the hill with its little legs going ten to the dozen like a small child on a bike who hasn't worked out how to shift up from first gear
A car stuck in stationary traffic reverberates to the baseline of King of my Castle, a house track that could well have been released before the female driving was even born. It's so loud and rattling I'd not be surprised if the door screws were being worked loose
29th
In the back of an enclosed trailer being pulled by a 4x4 through the gaps you can see what looked like a chicken hanging down and several people sat at the back
Just the tip of the bottom of a cloud is illuminated pink like a biscuit that's been gently dipped into a mug of tea
From out of the dark I can hear a man singing but his voice is shaking like he's a character in Scooby Doo
The night sky to the east looks apocalyptic as the clouds flash white then orange, deep red and finally green but with no sound. Is it the end of the world? No turns out it was the light from fireworks way, way off in the distance which was a relief
A pile of chips lays discarded on the pavement less than a 100 yards from the fish and chip shop. I'm glad I don't live near the coast because the gulls would have dive bombed the shit out of those in seconds
A group of middle aged women are in high spirits as they sing you are my sunshine very loudly. Unbeknown to them they're being followed by a policeman who sensibly walks past without saying anything whilst they all then stand still like sheepish children chuckling
On a narrow country lane a gritter smashes its contents against the side panels of each passing car with a venomous pelting sound
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