2nd
A small dog sporting a black and white striped jumper closely resembles a convict from a 1920s US Prison
A plump squirrel sits atop a fence post some ten feet high stuffing its face watching me walk by like I'm some sort of spectator sport
A rider shoots by on an electric bike wearing a gigantic yellow coat which is split at the bottom and splayed out by the wind like a giant banana peel fired from a Mario Kart contestant
3rd
A tall svelte man is pounding the roads jogging. Each gigantic step is met with the sound of squeaky trainers like someone is rocking a door quickly back and forth trying to identify the source of the sound
Stood in ice cold winds are four young men congregated around the waist high stump of a felled tree, one of whom is wearing shorts clearly made of tougher stuff than anyone else in a five mile radius. I don't know if the tree was once an oak but in weather like this you imagine there's a shrivelled tint acorn that could drop off from beneath one leg of the shorts if you catch my drift.
4th
A man in the age of confusion presses the button on a traffic light to cross the road. Upon making it to the other side he presses the opposite button in error, doesn't press the next correct one and begins to cross as two lanes of cars amble forward. Mercifully no one beeps their horns or shouts angrily out their window and he crosses safely
From above the clouds just the very tip of the moon can be seen like a small child playing hide and seek hiding behind a chair oblivious to the fact that their hair is still on show
5th
A round woman in a long coat, hat pulled down and scarf wrapped around her neck looks like she been drawn by the late cartoonist Giles
A man clears his drive with a snow plough no doubt desperately trying to prove it wasn't a daft purchase and get some sort of money's worth from it. You can imagine he'll be out doing all the drives of the neighbours too
Never underestimate kids abilities to think outside the box. One small boy uses a dog lead to pull another on his backside down a hill of compacted snow whilst the dog runs along with them also still on the lead
Despite it being pitch black squeals of joy can be heard from two small children who are sledding down an embankment making use of the snow whilst it lasts.
Late at night someone in a big Parka jacket clearly under the impression they were alone walks arms stretched wide singing an unrecognisable song out loud
6th
A man walking down the side of a road is silhouetted by the passing cars. His arms swinging so wide as he moves that he looks like he's doing the floss which leaves me fighting the giggles as I pass him.
7th
Two minutes to eleven and stood on the opposite side of a road are two muntjac with the most beautiful markings, one male, one female, who freeze like naughty children caught in the act of misbehaving
A teenage boy walks along at a quarter past eleven with Eminem playing through his phones speaker with him mumbling along. He clearly needs the practice
9th
The river which was bone dry at the start of the month now flows in a torrent of water with several hundreds of gallons passing through every minute
10th
A pheasant is shot dead in mid-flight and drops down horizontally and lands with a thud. Half a dozen birds are more fortunate and make it to safety, for now at least.
Early evening and in the dark, orange clouds on the horizon reflect in a lake providing a beautiful vista. However the sad reality is that the clouds are illuminated by light pollution and the lake is actually a flooded plain
Thick fog engulfs the town and black silhouettes slowly walk into view before being swallowed again as quickly as they'd appeared
On the lip under a bridge some 30ft high or more sits a metal water canister with no obvious clues as to how it got there unless the flock of pigeons to the right happen to be incredibly strong and adept at carrying such objects
A teenage girl riding the wrong way on a cycle lane gets irate at a driver who you suspect has just pointed out that very fact to her. I'm thinking to myself how little regard people have for their own lives when seconds a later a man on a bike riding on the path the other side of the road cycles out across a junction in front of an oncoming car
11th
Three rings of ice have formed around a puddle providing the most beautiful of natural picture frames for… brown dirty water. Well you can't have it all can you?
Deep in the countryside as I walk past someone's garden along a road I'm greeted by the sound of a gong like there's some sort of eastern retreat hidden behind the hedge and I instantly felt calmer like it found the frequency to switch on my inner zen
12th
I'm walking head down in a book reading when a car pulls alongside me and the young man in the passenger window says ‘excuse me mate I hope you have a really shit night.’ I watched the car pull off, a boy racing number in a lurid metallic snot green colour with its rear end smashed in from an accident. My first thought was - how charming I'm sure your parents must be so proud. Then I hoped I'd pass them both in a more serious road accident and I'd walk past, smile and definitely not phone for an ambulance. What is wrong with kids today? Or maybe me for that matter?
In the space of two minutes I come across three muntjacs in different spots. Sadly I'm no Doctor Doolittle or Snow White and they all quickly scarper
15th
‘Oi get the fuck here dog’ - a teenager overheard using the traditional canine calling to get it to come to heel
A woman is dressed for winter in a padded three quarter length coat. Not much use however as she gets caught in a tidal wave from a passing car which drenches her to such an extent the bottom of the coat looks like she's stood under a shower. She takes it in better grace than I'd have done
A little boy carries a giant teddy bear only slightly smaller than he is with a giant smile on both their faces. They were made for each other
A large thunk is followed by the swift beating of wings as a pigeon cannons off a window and scarpers sheepishly
For the second time in two nights I'm doing a Bowie and Jagger and dancing in the streets, this time with a teenage boy at a traffic island who first grins and then cracks up at the ridiculousness of the situation which was a brilliant interaction without a word needing to be said
A teenage boy is lent, arms perched on the window of a car talking. From the darkness comes a horribly off key female voice who starts singing to him and is thankfully drowned out, for my ears at least, by the noise of a passing car
At the end of a cut through onto an estate on the edge of town a muntjac is perfectly silhouetted by the street light behind. Further into the estate another hops down a quiet road like the cock of the walk
17th
A woman stands next to a large concrete block used to stop unwanted access to land. In her hand a phone, on her face a confused look. On top of the block is a wide range of shopping; milk, eggs, potatoes, bananas and more. Maybe she's about to hold a bizarre open air cooking class? Maybe the look is simply one of her thinking why didn't I bring a bag to carry this all home in? Or maybe none of it is hers and she's wondering what to do with it all? Like on who wants to be a millionaire, should she phone a friend?
My ears are met by the sound of birds singing in a joyous cacophony of all different types of tweets. They all sound blissfully happy whatever the occasion is
A young postwoman wears her hi-vis vest in a form of protest like a small child in spring told to keep their coat on by foreboding parents as it slinks off their shoulders. Her long mousy blonde hair curled and unkept, no doubt a remnant of an occasion which she'd made much more of an effort for than today.
A fat pigeon sits in its favoured spot on my next door neighbours fence taking in the warmth of the sun. It's the only bird I know that never moves when a human is in close proximity rightly assuming its not worth the effort to move its bulky body
A couple in their 20s are dressed like Model T Fords. Quite literally everything on them is black from top to toe.
18th
On a park bench stands a little girl dressed for winter in a duffle coat and bobble hat clasping a blue ice cream which she appears to have just jabbed into the area of her mouth and chin rather than ate given the colour of the lower part of her face
A large hulking man in a red and black lumberjack shirt has a long white beard and hair to match like a jacked Santa resting after a busy festive period
A young girl of maybe 11 or 12 walks a dog, she wears a blue and white horizontal striped sailors shirt under dungarees. Her complexion is milk white, the cold leaving her with the rosiest of red cheeks. She could well have stepped out the pages of an Enid Blyon novel
On an A board outside a village social club are written the words DRY JANUARY NO PROBLEM underneath whatever was written has washed away and suggesting that whatever message they'd hoped to convey, wet January had proved problematic
An entire front garden is now covered in excavated soil and what appears to be chalk deposits several feet high. I dread to think how big their moles are
19th
A woman dressed in her 30s who doesn't look a day under 50 frogmarches briskly with purpose, or anger, or maybe a combination or both
Under a flyover a motorcyclist deliberately makes his engine backfire so the sound cannons and echoes back. I think the technical term for it is called being an arsehole.
A goods train rolls slowly over a bridge, each of the carriages covered top to toe in graffiti looking very much like a scene from the Bronx in the 1980s.
Through the dead of night the incessant mooing of a cow can be heard every few seconds from what must be a considerable distance away deep in the countryside.
20th
Mid afternoon and an unorderly queue has formed on the road of a housing estate. A woman in a big white BMW Estate can be seen to mouth the words ‘Oh come on,’ as she gesticulates with both hands. In front of her a small blue Suzuki on L plates half turned to round a parked van. In front of them another car on L plates sat on the wrong side of the road waiting for one final white car also on L plates which is trying to carry out a parallel parking manoeuvre as if not in a car but a ferry turning into harbour.
To the west just after dusk a sliver of the moon sits above the horizon with a reddish orange glow like something from Lord of the Rings
21st
Through the early darkness of night a fighter plane can be heard but not seen and for a moment I wonder if Trumps hit the button and this is the end.
Thousands of fine spots of rain dance in car headlights like moths to a flame
10pm and a boy of probably no more than 12 is out alone in a big puffer jacket pushing a small shopping trolley with one small white object close to the handle miles from the nearest supermarket that has trolleys desperate to look inconspicuous and failing miserably
A man walking towards me maybe fearing I'm about to steal his takeaway dinner moves as far over to the edge of the path as he can get and doesn't take into account the lamppost which he bangs into with his shoulder and tries to style it out
A large metal bollard has been struck with such force that the tarmac holding it in place has been lifted into two parts like the roof of a house and the bollard now sits atop like a wonky chimney. I'd be curious to know what caused the damage given it's facing the wrong way down a one way street.
In the space of twenty paces I step in a puddle, get attacked by a branch above and it starts to rain, all signs I should have been home sensibly tucked up in bed at twenty past eleven instead of out wandering the streets
22nd
Deep in the countryside, in the last of the light at dusk, the large grey wings of a heron can just be made out as it launches into flight from a verge and across a field before vanishing into the gloom
A man playing paddle swings and misses the ball entirely and lets out a loud groan and goes to throw his racket on the court but stops himself just shy of following through on the action
23rd
A squirrel is realising the tree it's on is now an island as it goes from branch to branch inspecting the several inches of flood water that has formed around its base.
Down a country lane in the last of the light walking has become like a crossword puzzle and I'm desperately trying to work out the answer on how to round the huge flooded parts and accompanying mud slides. A cacophony of birds of all descriptions scream into the early night air and you'd be forgiven for thinking you were in the jungle
“She looks like she's one meal away from disappearing,” a man in his 20s overheard when discussing with another man who had been accused of eating someone else's food.
In a scrap of wasteland a small scrawny looking solitary hen wanders around looking like a lonely undernourished prisoner of circumstances not of her own choosing. Freedom lies beyond 12 foot of fencing. Fly my pretty, fly.
A woman delivers post in a black overcoat and hat looking like a mother having to cover a paper round for a sick child when paper rounds were still a thing rather than a postal worker or any description
A woman in her 40s rather unfortunately for her appearance, sports the large ears of an 80 year old man
A large flash Range Rover has a personalised numberplate which starts FIB as if lying had well and truly paid off for the vehicles owner
In the gutter an abandoned wet cigarette with a burned black tip looking like whoever was smoking it got rumbled and had to throw away the evidence in a hurry
A workman drags heavy temporary road barriers in each hand up a hill with a steep gradient. Somewhere in his history I see a caveman dragging two poor women by their hair in much the same rough manner
24th
The sunshine brings men out to wash their cars with power jets and arrays of chemicals galore. Two little girls are sat quietly on a blanket in short t-shirts with the warmth on their backs.
On the pavement a decent shout for what could be the world's longest child drawn hopscotch in chalk. I didn't register the largest number as I started top to bottom and only started paying attention when it looked like it might never stop. It must have been a good 40ft long in length
A short woman dressed in purple and lilac gives the pretence she's jogging. She's doing all the right moves and yet she somehow seems not to be moving at all like a trick of the light
Bells ring from a tower perfectly in time on a loop but one or maybe even two of the notes sound off key so that even to the untrained ear they don't sound at all correct
Two girls of around the age of 11 or 12 are pretending to be their idea of grown up as they walk with matching tiny black handbags over their shoulders as if it makes them look maturer and sophisticated, which it doesn't
A very old land-rover in a rust covered orange gently wheels its way down a hilly road. It's shape rounded and nothing resembling a land-rover I've ever seen before, suggesting maybe it's wearing a stolen badge and merely pretending
Furrowed pink clouds sit above the horizon at dusk freshly ploughed and not long to vanish to grey
Half ten and a couple push someone in a wheelchair across a traffic crossing with the lights to vehicles on red and right before touching the other side, do a 180° turn with the lights now green and go back where they came from with traffic still waiting one side and cars coming up fast the other. Who'll push when all 3 of them are in a wheelchair I wonder to myself?
Late at night a black Audi speeds along. In the top corner of either side of the windscreen are purple neon lights in the shape of hearts that alternate their illumination. Clearly life has moved on since the days of white text on green backing with lovers names at the top of the windscreen
25th
What appear to be the bloodied skeletal remains of a kite's wings hang from a bush. I'm guessing that answers the question of what would win in a fight between a fox and a kite if anyone had thought to ask.
A woman walks with straight back, bolt upright almost on tiptoes with a big smile on her face. I can't help but wonder what's made her so happy?
A young woman in her early 20s is dressed with all the chic of a homeless bag Lady. From her winter garments protrude two legs the size of matchsticks with not enough meat upon them to feed a Jack Russell
A boy is wearing a lurid tie-dye t-shirt that looks like it was donated to a jumble sale by a hippie stoner sometime in the 90s although never worn until now because it appears to be brand new. Maybe I just refuse to countenance the fact that anyone still makes anything looking that bad in 2026 let alone would give it to their kids to wear
On a long sloped drive down to a main road are parked three small cars all parked forward facing like they're primed for a fast getaway. The first two are Mini's in yellow and red. The third car white, its identity hidden but definitely not a Mini as if the owner didn't read the memo about remaking the Italian job. And yes fear not I did call yellow Mini Cooper bingo.
A woman in her early 20s carries on her face an effortless beauty. She looks like she might have been stolen from the island of Sicily, Corsica or somewhere similar. She smiles shyly at me and lowers her head in deference to this old codger and I'm left wishing I was 25 years younger. Like a gentleman though I merely smile back and walk on without looking back
In the absence of a bell on his bike a rather jolly fat man with a beard like Santa loudly cries beep beep to make his presence known
26th
A woman on a mobility scooter has a clear plastic rain hood protruding above as a canopy which gives her the appearance of being on a paraglider too heavy and slow to get airborne
In the garden a gull as white as snow, its beak as orange as a carrot and you could forgive yourself in different weather that it had been created by an artist of considerable talent
At a junction a minibus used for school runs draws to a standstill. As it does so two large eyes made mostly of lilac coloured LEDs look both ways at the bottom of the windscreen.
A tall thickset teenage boy is talking English in a slow eastern European accent, the start of each sentence paused and checked to ensure they're the right words before being spoken aloud. His size and speed of talk rather unfortunately give him the appearance of a simpleton which I'd envisage is very much not the case.
27th
A flock of pigeons circle the sky on a wet and windy day. One lands on a TV aerial as if to catch its breath whilst the others do another few laps. Are they looking for food or a break in the wind which forces them to turn each time as they get no further forward?
In the pouring rain a 4x4 is parked with two of its tyres on the curb as if afraid to get its shoes wet
A woman walks with a matching green mac and golf umbrella which she's holding sideways into the wind. Stopping every few yards she looks out from under her hood with a look of confusion and as to its origin only she's knows
28th
Just the eyes and noses of two small toddlers can be found peering out beneath large woollen hats and from above a large blanket as they're pushed along side by side in a double buggy looking extremely cosy and warm
A tiny black dog looks at its owner with the saddest of eyes, averts its gaze down the road and back up to meet the owners eyes as if saying - please don't make me go down there, I don't want to, I don't like it
In a churchyard a group is tidying up the trees that line the road. A young man is using a power trimmer which sounds as powerful as an electric bread knife. They could all be doing community service but given all but the young man with the bread knife are approaching 70 you'd have to wonder what their crimes were exactly?
An eastern European man is walking six greyhounds all with natty colourful overcoats. I know him to be eastern European because he stops me and says ‘walking and reading?’ Half statement, half question with a giant grin on his face. Clearly reading a book compared to staring at a phone whilst on the move is a new concept to the man
After yesterday's storm comes the calm of today like a wise man had foretold the day's destiny centuries before. The birds sing happily. If their tweets and chirps could be translated their words might say - we survived and the sun has returned. The rivers yesterday that overflowed and formed impromptu lakes from their torrent have settled down and into a zen state of flow. A century old tree has fallen, no longer willing to stand guard. A path pretends it's now a river though that too like the storm shall eventually pass.
A ladybird lies dead on its back in the bathroom. Did it die from exertion, boredom or chemical poisoning? An autopsy is too expensive and unnecessary, I'll just have to guess. Maybe of an old but young age if you catch my meaning or even impatience? One thing is certain, it's most definitely dead.
A man in his late 50s / early 60s walks past with a rolled cigarette dangling from his lips, his white beard stained nicotine yellow. He wears an orange donkey jacket, a Russian hat with an insignia and a scowl of indignation across his face.
The fog is so thick this evening that any cars out driving through it are reduced to floating lights until the very last moment when you can finally make out the silhouette of what's been keeping the lights magically in the air
29th
The man from yesterday is dressed all in dayglow orange today but still sporting his silly little Cossack hat with crest. He's on his haunches scraping moss from gaps in the pavement. Now I'm understanding his scowl drawn across his face in permanent invisible ink.
A council worker blows leaves from a path onto the grass verge. Not collect them mind, just blowing them away where at some point down the line a wind will blow them all back again
In the space of five houses two signs hang on the doors as invites to burglars. Or maybe it's how my mind works and they're notes to delivery drivers on where to leave parcels because they're not home
A teenage girl leaves her mouth open mid laugh exposing large teeth and leaving her with the look of a blonde horse in school uniform
A dog faux sleeping on a windowsill opens its eyes to have a gander outside and closes them back slowly
A little boy and girl sat on the windowsill of a fish and chip shop lean in to each other like they're about to share a tender moment then promptly start whacking each other instead.
A man stood with his back to a window is wearing something green and spectacularly fluffy like he's skinned someone from the muppets or sesame street and made it into something to keep him warm
“And I really like Chloe because she stands in the playground looking like she doesn't give a shit.” A woman's surprisingly posh voice overhead in the darkness of an alleyway at 2327 at night coming the other direction.
30th
A three legged greyhound hops past. Had it been a horse you could guarantee I'd lost money on it
A lad in his late teens walks past me, his long hair flowing in the wind above a bandana, on his back a guitar case. He clearly imagines himself to be every inch a rockstar in the making, just some 40 years too late. His aftershave punches my nostrils as an afterthought
From the right of me from the darkness of a garden someone whistles just the opening bar to I'm Forever blowing bubbles and twenty minutes later it's still on a loop inside my head
31st
I'm walking caught between two worlds. In my right ear the calming sound of wind chimes floats melodically like a kiss of calmness. In my left ear the violence of a series of gunshot blasts each one more murderous in intent than the last
A woman walks with her bare legs protruding from a large winter coat with nothing to suggest she has on anything else underneath. Her calves look like they were carved from oak and on her feet white socks and trainers suggesting she may have spent the morning running and is now walking her dog as an after thought
A toddler with a sprig of hair jutting from a band atop the centre of her head growls at her father who is trying to stop her from escaping in the direction of a car park. He picks her up and points her in the other direction. She promptly turns on a six pence and its his turn to growl and you instantly know exactly which side of the family she inherited it from
A woman's posterior held in blue jeans is of the most peculiar shape like it's a mould used for the seats you'd find in a sports stadia and has then been padded out specially like a classic Chesterfield chair minus the buttons
An old boy reliving his youth comes down a private drive with no helmet on other than the white hair of his old age revving the engine of a motorbike he's riding. He gets to the gates all proud and does a u turn which leaves him not back on the drive but half a foot from a raised wooden flower bed and I'm glad he's facing the other way and can't see me laughing or hear the noise I'm making over the sound of the engine
A middle aged man in glasses and a flat cap walks over to a giant oak tree and places his outstretched palms against it as if he's spotted it's about to fall and under his clever disguise he has super human strength. Either that or the person behind has an over active imagination and he's using it to do stretches against.
Out at the darkness at 2222 hours a goose honks and its wings make a sweet whistling sound as they cut their way through the night sky
Comments
Post a Comment