"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.”
Oscar Wilde.
Miranda Keeling is a published author and observer of everyday life. You can find her amazing work on X @MirandaKeeling. What follows is the poor man's version of things observed through my own eyes. Warning may contain swearing.
2nd
A gull pecks at the carcass of a dead pigeon, its beak covered in small feathers. You never know where your next meal is coming from
3rd
At the skate park an older man has a portable Bbq on the go and what looks like an actual armchair with him. Talk about creature comforts.
A muntjac walks through a housing estate close to 8pm. His reaction to being spotted is like someone realising they're suddenly naked and desperately trying to run for cover.
5th
A woman walks with headphones singing aloud. I'm not sure if she's aware she's doing it or maybe she's got noise cancelling headphones so she's not aware she's not hit a single note or maybe she's simply tone deaf and it all sounds jolly wonderful to her own ears
A woman walks gripping each side of her head like its about to fall off any minute. Either that or she heard the last woman singing and is haunted by it and wants the pain to stop
6th
A small boy with a large tennis racket is trying to rally a ball over a full sized fence which separates himself and his house. He manages the first return but gets nowhere near the second
In the middle of a housing estate a woman sits atop of a very large horse blocking the path. There's something you don't see every day I exclaim. The rider tells me she's trying to get her used to her surroundings. Only a couple of minutes later does the line in case she needs to pop out for milk? pop into my head. I can barely contain my disappointment with myself
For the best part of an hour the constant sound of shotguns blasting can be heard from beyond the horizon. For so many people that would sound utterly terrifying but for those who've grown up around the countryside you don't batter an eyelid
After a series of heavy downpours, nature's detritus has been swept over solid ground and been left in swirls and patterns of art
7th
A small dog barks in a field and causes chaos as far as the eye can see with the livestock not only in that field, but also a field two down where all the sheep and lambs run up a giant hill like their lives depended on it despite being a good 300 metres away and protected by a fence.
8th
A woman walks her dog slowly shuffling up the hill wearing all orange making her look like a Guantánamo Bay detainee
10th
A blackbird lays in the midday sun, wings, eyes and beak wide open giving it an appearance that its melted into the grass
An old bald man with an extremely long white beard drives a clapped out old van. I cant see his belly but his appearance does suggest I've found out what Santa does during the summer months
11th
In 30°C plus heat a woman carries a baby on her back, facing toward her, held by a fleece teddy bear wrap looking like the hottest bizarre rucksack you can buy on the market. How much are you going to learn about the world looking at a back whilst melting? What happens when the baby cries? Does the mother come with go go gadget arms?
A rather large gentleman walks with a Just Eat box the size of a small fridge on his back. I'm not sure what he's carrying but I hope it's not a hot meal for the sakes of the person on the other end at the speed he's travelling at
A feather is slowly moving down the side of a kerb. Upon closer inspection at one end it's being dragged by a tiny bug. Comfy bed for the night all that's missing is a Lenny Henry voice over
In a courtyard outside a house four people are sat. Two older looking gentlemen and a woman and the final spot taken by a young teenage girl. The look on her face is a hybrid of boredom, kill me now and I'd rather be anywhere else in the world right now
I try hard not to laugh and fail as a man bends down and makes that irritating universal sound for attracting cats. It turns, walks towards him and carries on right past. The man straightens himself does a 180° and tries to not look hurt or embarrassed whilst this idiot chuckles at him
12th
One man demonstrates a martial arts grip on anothers lower arm reminding him of how its done, the person on the receiving end has a look of utter contempt that he's been reminded physically and not verbally of how the move works
A pigeon lands on a springy branch. If this was a cartoon it would have been catapulted several hundred foot in the air
18th
A man feeds felled branches into a wood chipper under the close inspection of a small boy no more than 3 or 4 who stands mesmerised in his shorts and green T-shirt.
Three lambs sit in the shade in front of a gate. Despite much cajoling they're reticent to move out into the midday sun where only mad dogs and Englishmen go
20th
A rottweiler carries an entire basketball between its teeth. I'm imaging a group of kids playing who lost their ball and then decided you know what, that's OK it can take it
A man carries an umbrella so large it's one size down fom a pub garden parasol. If the wind gets up he's doing a Mary Poppins
In the village green sits a basketball the top of which is all sunken. I'm thinking that maybe my theory that the ball wasn't the rottweilers isn't so daft after all
A couple of days ago I was randomly thinking about how new bank notes can get wet. Today I found a tenner in a puddle. Coincidence or is manifestation a real thing?
A pregnant woman is on the phone walking next to a road and is walking like you'd expect a child to maybe do. Her left foot is on the kerb, her right on the road. It's the equivalent of a one legged poor man's step class. She turns and falls off the kerb and only just catches herself. I'm not convinced she's quite ready to be left in charge of a child and probably still needs adult supervision herself.
21st
My concentration is broken by a loud THUNK on a window swiftly followed by the beating of pigeon wings. Felt that
A pigeon stands in a puddle and wanders around feathers fluffed up like a pensioner at the seaside getting their feet wet in the water. All that's missing is the knotted handkerchief perched on its head
A young woman pulls at a car handle door over and over. A man the other side who can cleary see what she's doing says nothing and finally pressed the button to unlock the door. If she didn't call him a prick, I did it in my head on her behalf
To the east dark black clouds and the sound of thunder ominously getting closer. To the east glorious sunshine warming the side of my face and arm. The Pet Shop Boys lied to me
A little girl of five or six beams a smile at me to which I return the favour. A reminder human kindness costs you nothing
22nd
Late evening and a woman carries a small toddler in her arms down the middle of the road who you can tell even only by the lights from the windows she passes that the child is fully conked out
I allow myself a wry smile disguised by the dark of night as two teenage boys struggle with weighted shopping bags as an elderly man slowly shuffles behind. Been there, got the T shirt and lost the circulation in both my hands for good measure with the same gentleman.
23rd
A woman drives a small single seater all terrain vehicle across a field, one hand on the wheel, the other supporting the head of a fully grown sheep sat on her lap. Proof that that you've never actually seen it all in life
A woman stands with a long necked blow torch in her hand and is methodically burning weeds in the cracks of her pavements edge. Saves bending down I guess.
A little boy walks a few yards in front of his mother and two smaller siblings. His bottom lip quivers but he's not giving anyone the satisfaction of showing tears
Late evening and two green cherry pickers are parked on a main road fully extended. I'm desperately hoping at the end of the day the two operatives have to slide down them like kids on a stairs bannister
A woman in her late 40s is attempting to get onto the handlebars of a man's mountain bike which doesn't have lights on. Thankfully she can't get on and is therefore now very unlikely to spend the rest of her night in A&E which can only be a bonus for her
I'm starting to feel like I'm in a real life episode of Eurotrash. A woman with an orange face and lip fillers looks anything but attractive. She look like her face is stuck in a permanent wind tunnel. 100 yards later another woman with a boob job, a large tattoo covering her shoulders down to her cleavage and a face full of filler walks past. I try work out her job. Only fans. I'm so going to hell one day
25th
A farmer drives a top of the range black Range Rover down a farm track and stops to inspect his crops. Walking down the hill I'm drawn to his brown shoes, the heels of which are both hanging off.
Pellets fall from the backside of a sheep like pennies falling on the jackpot of a one armed bandit
A fighter jet punches its way through the air with such extreme violence that it sounds like the world is coming to an end
A woman in her 20s with her face painted like Morticia Addams let's a car out in front of her at a junction which then promptly dies and the other woman can't get it restarted. Now the dark black makeup is perfect as her face starts to anger in the car behind becoming all the more impatient.
A man in his early 20s is stood next to the railings of the cemetery late at night. I can see he's definitely alone but choose not to stare in case he engages me as he talks wildly and excitedly that the lights in the sky are UFOs. Being a spitting distance from two USAF bases they're FOs, he's right on that part.
26th
A man bangs the side of several foot of blue tarpaulin that is hung from several segments of a rotary washing line. Its not clear if it was hung before or after the sudden downpour which is the reason my cotton t-shirt clings to my chest.
In the downstairs window of a small house behind closed curtains women are chatting loudly over the sound of 90s garage with disco lights flashing. I'm tempted to knock and ask if they've room for a little one
27th
A young boy in a full pink Inter Miami Messi kit is pushing another boy on a death slide who clings on for dear life as it hits the tyre stopper and he flies up into the air
A couple in their 70s are walking. He's got a garish blue Hawaiian shirt on, she's wearing a red and white striped jumper. Where's Wally?
A woman stands with a traditional wooden handle broom with brush using it to clean the facias of her front window. Whatever gets the job done
A horse whinnies from the back of horse box which sounds like it's terrified as it turns corner at a junction
I watch the silhouette of a modern day Charlie Chaplin walking unsteadily from one side of the path to another but with the cane substituted with a long umbrella. Drawing alongside Charlie stops abruptly. If they are a Charlie then its short for Charlotte as woman in her late 50s early 60s gives me a look that suggests I've just shit in her handbag and any notions of asking her if she needs assistance instantly vanish quicker than a finger popping a bubble.
28th
A woman of diminutive stature is hacking her way through the lower reaches of her hedge with ruthless efficiency. What she intends to do with the several feet of it out of her reach remains to be seen. Given the large sheers in her hand I decide to skip the joke and not ask
An OAP watches her daughter pick up cat excrement from her front garden. The woman bends down and let's a noise out in horror but exclaims it's solid and not runny at which point they both say good boy to the cat who is sat looking utterly disinterested but presumably somewhat lighter than a couple of minutes previous to that
29th
Is vaping safely by a vehicle part of the Highway Code or are young female learners that traumatised by the experience of getting behind a wheel? I've no idea how expensive lessons are now but I'd guess the answer is very and four times now I've seen someone not actually in the vehicle learning but vaping.
A heron is stood in a ploughed brown field motionless. You'd be forgiven for thinking it was a grey rock from a distance if you weren't paying attention and then been startled when it flew off. Note I was paying attention but only because Iwas thinking why is there a big grey rock there? Oh wait it's a heron
A woman in a gold top is partaking in the discipline of fast walking. Her arms swing full beans and she goes all in. I'm ashamed to admit I had to stare at the floor to contain my childish giggles as she bounded towards me.
30th
A Mr Whippy ice cream playing the MOTD theme parks up. Seconds later a boy of about 4 in a luminous green Chelsea shirt runs barefoot down a driveway looking the most excited I've seen any child be about anything in years
Two women part their separate ways. One ladies parting words are "Stay calm," which is an intriguing way of saying goodbye to someone I feel.
Two large blue traffic cones sit adjacent on opposing sides of a road which say danger overhead cables presumably placed only to see how many look up and go 'where?' The modern equivalent of super glueing a pound coin to the floor
Deep in the countryside the only thing I can hear is the wind buffering against my ears and the occasional bird. Even the sheep are quietly grazing when all of a sudden an air horn goes off. I'm looking at the sheep, the sheep are at me, well it wasn't me, well us neither
A woman is stood deliberately stretching her neck slowly from one side to another with her eyes closed. I'm desperate to stand and watch her but appreciate that would be rude and so carry on and she falls out of sight behind a huge tree and a row of bushes.
Walking back home the woman is now dancing with her arms joined in front joined in a circle and twirling round like you'd find on a kids wind up music box. I have no urge to sit and watch her now
Around a dozen dragonflies zip around like I'm walking in a Nina Simone song
A couple are walking their dog arm in arm. She looks delirious in her happiness sporting the biggest smile. It makes me sick. I'm kidding. Or maybe not
A family walk by a river. A little girl wears a dress with a knitted cardigan. The mum is wearing a summers dress. I feel like I'm watching a photo from the 1980s brought to life
A teenage girl wears a red sweatshirt with a giant yellow A on the front. I'm desperate to know if she knows who Alvin the Chipmunk is
On the boot of a Range Rover sits a ginger cat eyeing up something in a tree ready to pounce
In the distance four lads climb what they assume to be a mud mound and three of them are now sat on it. What they're actually sat on can be politely described as dry animal produced fertiliser.
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