You're riding high in April...

"Are you a religious man Tommy?"

"What me?" He asks somewhat surprised by the question. 

"Do you see anyone else called Tommy here? Oi stop looking around you idiot, yes I'm asking you?"

"Oh. Bit of an odd question isn't it?"

"Well I wouldn't say it's that odd. Let me rephrase it for you, do you believe in God?"

"No."

"See that wasn't hard now was it?"

Alice takes a sip of her tea, puts the mug back down on the mat, picks up her Kit Kat and breaks off a finger. "Do you want a finger Tommy? Why are you smirking? Oh you dirty bastard. OK well that probably answers my first question."

Tommy's still sat smirking at himself when the penny must have dropped somewhere inside his head. Somewhere in between his ears like an old time comedy sketch, a tiny creature was yanking on a stuck power cable desperately trying to plug it into a socket it couldn't reach. With one giant pull finally it's freed and plugged in. "Hang on, what's that supposed to mean?"

Alice finishes her mouthful, deliberately taking her time and when she finally finishes chewing washes it down with another mouthful of tea. 

After the exaggerated wait comes the short and sweet reply of "Oh you know," and a little smirk flickers across her face but unlike Tommy she doesn't let it linger and it's gone in the blink of an eye. 

Tommy reaches out for her Kit Kat but his hand quickly recoils as she slaps it hard, then wags her index finger from side to side. "Uh, Uh you had your chance Tommy boy."

"Fine, I don't really like Kit Kat's anyway,” he replies lying.

"Well that's a blessing for both of us then isn't it?"

Half a minute of silence passes. Alice drinks more of her tea and satisfies herself as she watches Tommy's internal thought process hard at work. Any minute now she thought to herself. This was much cheaper than going to the zoo to watch the primates. Ohhh here we go. Brace yourself for impact in 3, 2, 1 and…

“Right, just humour me, why did you want to know if I was religious and believed in God? You're not just asking randomly, I know you better than that. I might be daft but I'm not that daft. 

Awww dear sweet Tommy sat like a kitten chasing the piece of string I'm wriggling in front of you watching you try to trap it with your little paws. 

“Oh no particular reason I was merely satisfying my curiosity.”

“Bollocks.”

“Thomas my dear boy you have such a beautiful way with words. Have you ever thought about writing poetry?”

Tommy puffs out his cheeks and slumps back in his chair and falls silent again. He looks to his left, changes tact and looks to the right. His eyes move above his head and flicker quickly left and right. Finally he leans forward again and says “There was a young girl called Alice, sadly she was too full of malice…”

Before he could finish whatever he was about to say Alice interjects “Oh dear Tommy, you seem to have confused limericks with poetry. Never mind. Such a disappointment. I thought you were about to bless me with something truly beautiful then as well.”

“Knob head. Why did you want to know?”

“Shall I put you out of your misery?”

“Please tell me you've got a gun.”

“Oh Tommy. You don't like being teased do you?”

“Not really, no.”

“OK fine I was getting bored anyway. I asked you if you were religious Tommy because you live like a monk. Or at least you do when it comes to women and I was curious as to whether you'd taken a vow of chastity?”

“A vow of what?”

“Chastity Tommy. Or to put it in words you'd understand more easily. You don't seem bothered about getting your leg over or finding a woman in general. It's a bit… well odd.”

“It's not that odd.”

“Oh it is Tommy. Most men your age are trying to … well you know… anything with a heartbeat.”

“I thought that was a pulse? You can say fuck you know I won't be offended.”

“Semantics Thomas. Purely semantics. Do women scare you?” Alice replies not lowering herself to Tommy's level and acknowledging the last part of his sentence. 

“You annoy me.”

“Ahhh that's not what I asked, is it?”

Tommy's eyes roll upwards and he gives a little wobble of his head from side to side as if the answer might fall from a branch like a 4 year old boy climbing his first tree. 

“Do you want an honest answer?”

“Oh no Thomas I'd much prefer you lie to me.”

“Alright mum less of the sarcasm.”

“Tommy why are you comparing me to your mother?”

“Because she's the only one who calls me Thomas. Mind you to be fair it's normally only when I'm in trouble and I get the full works,” he then adopts a tone of impression of jus nagging mum “Thomas Elliot Alexander Mayhew.”

“Oh she's very good your mother.”

“Good? What? Why?”

“Well she proved the old adage that there's no I in team.”

“What fucking planet are you on?” 

“Oh must you swear all the time Tommy?”

“Well if you stopped talking like a twat then maybe I would. There's no I in team Thomas. Your mother is very clever Thomas. Are you religious Thomas because you don't want to shag anything that moves Thomas?”

“Finished?”

“No there's more.”

“Well maybe save it for later. I get the gist.”

“Maybe you're what puts me off women had you thought of that?”

“Is that a compliment?”

“Nooo. Fuck me. Nooo. Look if you really want to know relationships just seem… well pointless to me. I can't find someone that I want to spend more than 2 or 3 hours in a pub with one on one let alone want to spend the rest of my life with. How many people do you know in happy relationships?”

“Oh plenty Tommy you daft so and so.

“Name them.”

“What?”

“You heard, name them. Question too difficult for you?”

Oh in a shocking twist the tables had turned and Alice found herself stood firmly rooted on the spot. Can't be that hard a question. She flicked through her mental Rolodex of all the couples she knew. Started with the obvious example of her mum and dad. Divorced. Draws a line through them. One by one every pairing she thought of she couldn't say with any conviction that she thought they were genuinely happy. Every time she came close, like with Matt and Julie she'd cross the names out as quickly as they'd appeared remembering minor indiscretions like just talking to members of the opposite sex would cause huge rows such was the level of distrust that existed between them both. 

By now Tommy was sat pushed back in his chair again looking very much like a smug prick. That made Alice all the more determined to come up with some names but she wasn't daft, the longer the silence the more she knew she was just proving his point. Tommy began to open his mouth. Maybe he's was about to take pity on Alice? Who are we kidding? Here comes the piêce de resistance. “You seeing anyone at the moment Alice?”

“Oh you little bastard!” She says to him and throws the last two fingers of Kit Kat at his head which of course he catches and proceeds to ram sideways into his mouth in one go like the small child he is really is. Alice folds her arms and throws herself back into her chair. “Well I hope you're miserable for the rest of your life.”

Whatever his reply it wasn't fully audible as he spoke with a mouthful of Kit Kat. I'm imagining it wasn't “and I love you too.”