We'll make a Yorkshire Man out of you

"If you could download every part of your brain, so all of your thoughts, your memories, your fears etcetera and give it to someone else would you do it?"

"What all of it?"

"When I said every part of it and quantified it with examples what did you think I meant?"

"Alright you sarky twat you could have just said yes you know. Couldn't you ask me something else instead like whether I watched Emmerdale last night?"

"Did you watch Emmerdale last night?"

"No I didn't."

"OK well answer the question assuming you now understand it fully?"

"Do you want a slap you?"

"Sorry cheap shot into an open net." "Ooof that's a right doozy that one. What like all of it, all of it? Like if I gave it to you then you'd know how much of a twat I think you are?"

"Yup."

"I don't know. I'd have to think about it. I'm not sure why anyone would want to see inside my 'ead to be fair. It's not like I've got the meaning of life hidden away in between my ears and I'm sat on it keeping it a big secret from the world. What's brought that question on anyways? Would you want anyone seeing inside your head?"

"Oh Christ no. Someone asked me the same question and I thought what a good question."

"And you thought I know I'll ask me old mucka and it'll give me a chance to be rude to her at the same time. Ya bugger. Will I get paid for it?"

"Ooooo good question!"

"Blimey 'Arry was that a compliment?"

"Well probably not that good if you're having to ask but I'll go with yes."

"Close enough for me ta. Put that one in the memory bank in case the technology becomes available and someone offers me a million for it all."

"Oh so you'd sell it for all for a million?"

"Oh yeah and twice over on a Sunday if some bugger is stupid enough to pay for it. I mean what have I got to hide? I can't remember my passwords for anything so it's not like you could take my last £20 outta bank acocunt. I mean they'd find out I'd let Brad Pitt take me any way he likes but he might see that on the news and jump on the next flight out and take full advantage."

"Dear God woman."

"Well I'm not exactly the clever bloke in the wheelchair am I?

"Stephen Hawking."

"No you daft bugger the other one with the big white hair and the moustache."

"That's Einstein. He wasn't…"

"... in a wheelchair yes I know I just like winding you up and watching the look on your face. That's probably worth a million to someone. Give someone else a bloody good laugh too."

"Oh yes. Pure comedy gold hah bluddy hah as you'd say up tut north."

"Oi God's own country is Yorkshire. You wash your mouth out when you get 'ome. D'You kiss your mother with those lips?"

"First off there's no evidence that God exists and second of all even if he or she did, do you really think of all the places in the world they'd declare Yorkshire as being their own? I mean you'd go for Nepal or Darjeeling or a hundred other places, maybe thousands before you got to Yorkshire. I mean isn't Hull a part of Yorkshire? Bradford?"

"Oi you cheeky git I've got cousins who live in Bradford. Besides ain't Darjeeling a posh type of brew?

"Well I'm very sorry to hear that. Let's hope someone offers you that million pounds and you can help them move away from the area. Oh and yes Darjeeling is a type of tea but It's well like … I'm going to hate myself so much now, it's like Yorkshire Tea."

"Oh that really hurt you didn't it? Right you come closer."

"Why?"

"Cause when I smack you one I want you make sure it really hurts." 

"Thank you for the wonderful offer but I think I'll pass."

"Ah ya bloody chicken. Ya southern softy!"

"Hang on a minute how is that soft?"

"Cause a Yorkshire man would have taken 'is punishment."

"Well may I suggest that Yorkshire men are all as you would say - Silly Buggers!"

"Aye. Most of 'em are that to be fair or daft as brushes as me mother wouldda said so you've got me banged tut right's there."

"Right I suppose we'd better do some work."

"Yeah you're probably right though just know when I've gone quiet I'm probably day dreaming about Brad Pitt hitching up the …"

"STOPPP!"

"...back of me skirt and giving me one over tut desk."

"Well the good news is yes I'd let someone have the contents of my brain for free and I don't want it back if it means I don't have the mental image of… I can't even say it. Do some bloody work will you."

"Learn yer to ask stoopid bloody questions won't it?"

"Aye!"

"Oh very good. We'll make a Yorkshireman out of you yet."

"Christ I hope not."