The hundred to one shot

“Did anyone ever tell you that you're like an International man of mystery?”

“Hmmmm not that I can ever recall.”

“You know what, now you say it that doesn't actually surprise me at all.”

“What utterly stimulating and riveting conversation Francesca. Thank you for inviting me into the inner sanctum and workings of your mind. Please don't take offense if I don't RSVP the next time the invite is sent out.”

“Do you always talk in riddles?”

“Do you think that was a riddle? That was me explaining to you that you're a simpleton. What goes up and never comes down?”

“Oh is this a joke?”

“No, that's an actual riddle.”

“Oh. Ummm. Say it again?”

“It.”

“What? Ohhh. You're so funny. Can you repeat the riddle for me? Oh sorry, can you repeat it for me please?”

“Well since you asked so nicely, what goes up but never comes down?”

“Huh… what goes up but never comes down? A balloon?”

“No.”

“A rocket?”

“No.

What followed was an inordinately long period of silence. It was finally broken with a question “do you have a type?”

“I'm sorry, what now?”

“You know a type? What sort of woman do you like? Sorry I'm being presumptuous, or a man?”

“At which point did you swap from thinking what goes up but never comes down to does he have a type?”

“Ohhh yeah that's funny. Ummm yeah quite quickly. So do you?”

“Do I have a type?”

“Yeah. Do you?”

“No.”

“Oh. Everyone has a type. OK, what do you like in another person?”

“Is liking other people an actual concept? Is this like the act of hero worshipping like the ancient Greeks and Romans with their Gods?”

“What? Is that… ohhhh I see what you did there. That's quite funny. You almost had me going. Didn't see that one coming, well done. You got me.”

“Buu…”

“Let's say I put you in a room with the 100 most beautiful women in the world, how would you choose the one you wanted to be with?”

“I don't understand the point of the question?”

“It's simple there's a 100 women…”

“Yes I know what the question was, I said I didn't understand the point of the question?”

“Ohhhh, erm, it'll be fun. It'll be fun to see how your brain works.”

“Must we?”

“I mean unless you have a better idea to fill the time?”

“Silence?”

“You're such a goof. So how would you do it?”

“Why would the 100 most beautiful women in the world want anything to do with me?”

“OK so that's a valid point, soooo let's pretend that they do. How do you whittle down the one that's perfect for you?”

“Perfection doesn't exist. It's a concept sold by advertiser's to have you buy into a lifestyle that no amount of money spent can ever actually achieve.”

“Ohhh. Wow I've never thought of that. Look stop changing the subject and answer the question. Do you say no to all the blondes and leave the brunettes? Do you have like an Asian kink?”

“I'm sorry what now? Do I have an Asian kink? I don't even know what that means? Is that racist?”

“Oh ummmm nooooo, nooooo it's fine. Pretend I didn't say anything. Think of it as having a preference for one particular look… that you like.”

“Who judges people on their looks?”

“Wellllll pretty much the entire world I think? Maybe not blind people obviously. Oh and you by the sounds of it.”

“OK I will try remember that. Not sure what use it will ever be but but thank you for sharing.”

“Look stop avoiding the question. How do you go from 100 down to the 1?”

“Are you going to keep on at me until I give an answer?”

“Yes.”

“OK fine I give up. Give me a moment. OK so I'm assuming that despite being beautiful they're not Identikit? They'll have markers which make one stand out from another?”

“Oh erm sure, sure.”

“You were doing this on looks alone weren't you?”

“Noooo I'm not that shallow. Thank you!”

“You're not that good of a liar either. Right assuming they have some other redeeming features I'd start by asking questions.”

“What are you asking them?”

“I would start by askinggg which of them had degrees of any description and I would discount any that don't.”

“Because?”

“What are you, my maths teacher? Are you expecting me to show my working out on each answer?”

“Of course. That's the entire point.”

“Because I want to have someone I can talk to about something above the level of what colour nail varnish is in fashion.”

“Oh OK I'm surprised you know what nail varnish is?”

“I don't.”

“Oh. Then why say it?”

“Because there's adverts galore for it on the way down the escalators to the platform and the nails on there look like the way yours are done and I figured if you were to walk to me about the process I'd be immediately bored.”

“You know weirdly I'm actually not going to take offence to that.”

“It wasn't meant to be offensive.”

“Welll yeah OK if you think so. So far we've established that you would want someone with a brain you can talk about rocket science with. That's cool.”

“Engineering.”

“Oh OK someone you want to talk to about engineering with. So that's your passion?”

“No.”

“Then why talk to someone about it? So you can learn about it?”

“No. Rockets aren't a science. Rockets are built by engineers. You should say it's not rocket engineering.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Oh well every day is a school day?”

“If I give you a written note can I be excused from class?”

“Not today. So you want someone clever you can talk to?”

“If you say so.”

“Well I do. We're finally getting somewhere now. This is exciting! So what next?”

“Wellll what's the thing you all have on your phone's?”

“Erm. Care to elaborate a little bit on that last point?”

“Your vanity projects.”

“Vanity projects? Huh. Nope I'm stumped. Oh no wait. You mean like social media? Instagram? Posting photos?”

“Social media. Yes I think that's it.”

“You don't have social media?”

“Do I strike you as someone that has social media? I appreciate it was a subtle clue asking you what it was called but nonetheless an obvious one all the same.”

“Now you mention it, it was kind of obvious. I apologise.”

“OK then go ahead.”

“What?”

“Apologise.”

“I just did.”

“No you didn't. You didn't say I'm sorry and the precise reason as to why therefore acknowledging you know what you're apologising for.”

“I'm so confused.”

“That's how you apologise. Anyone can say I'm sorry just like anyone can say I love you.”

“Oh you know about love?”

“No.”

“Hah. Why does that not surprise me?”

“I think this conversation has drawn it's natural conclusion. Thank you for showing an interest in the inner workings of my mind.”

“No, no, no, no ,no. Wait. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for assuming you know nothing about love.”

“And?”

“And? Ermmmm ohhhh I don't remember.”

“Well I appreciate your honesty. Fine let's get this over and done with. I'd ask to see their social media and if it was full of photographs of themselves then they've got to go. Then I'd want to know how comfortable they are with being alone. If they always need to be around other people then I'd have no interest. If I wanted a constant companion I'd buy a dog. Do you think that would narrow it down to one person?”

“Actually? I have no idea. I hadn't thought that part through when I asked the question.”

“Do you know what it's like to always be the smartest person in the room?”

“Are you insulting me?”

“Not deliberately, why do you feel insulted?”

“A little I guess.”

“Well this is supposed to be about me, correct?”

“Hmmmm. Go on.”

“Well if I had to find someone I'd want someone who was smarter than me. Someone who could challenge me to learn something new, take my learning to a higher plane. Time is a precious commodity and I don't want to waste it waiting for someone who is concerned about what they look like even if they could send a rocket to the moon. They need to be comfortable enough to spend time on their own and have their own interests as well I'll add. That should narrow down the field sufficiently.”

“What if there's no one left by your metrics?”

“Then that's great. One less thing for me to worry about.”

"Oh! So you really don't have a type?"

"No. I told you that about 7 or 8 minutes ago. I don't suppose you remember the part where I suggested we could fill the time with silence either?"

"Nope."

"We could fill the time with silence."

"Or we could play eye spy with my little eye something beginning withhhhh…. T."

"Is it a tank rolling into view about to take aim at the carriage? Please let it be a tank."

"Oh I didn't think you'd be able to do sarcasm."

"I can't."