“So David, how do you feel after hearing what Rebecca has just had to say?”
“Oh. Well I…” David tails off as he tries to gather his thoughts. He coughs to clear his throat, his hand reaching up to loosen the tie from the grip around his neck as if it was suddenly a piece of rope and his life depended on the answer he was about to give. His hand moves up now to his face and his thumb sits on the jawline whilst he massages the side of his temple with two fingers. Despite their being only himself, Rebecca and the therapist in the room it suddenly felt like there were hundreds of pairs of eyes trained on him, not just the two, like one of those dreams where you suddenly realise you're out in public without a stitch to wear. “Well I erm, I think she's right.” David finishes his sentence hoping that it'll remove his neck from the hangman's noose.
“The question David was how did it make you feel? Not what did you think about it?”
David shuffled uneasily in his chair, his head still very much in the noose.
“Feel? Oh. Sorry.” His reply came using some of the shortest sentences known to man.
“That's OK David. You're not on trial. Try be honest with yourself and Rebecca. Think about what Rebecca said and the feelings it evoked inside you.”
“OK. Sooo itttt wassss… uncomfortable. Is uncomfortable a feeling?”
“Yes and that's a good starting point. Let's use that and see where the journey takes us. Was it hard to hear?”
“Yeah, sorry I mean yes.”
“It's OK David take your time. Try to elaborate for us both if you can.”
“Wow errrr OK. I feel… well I guess I feel guilty. I'm also ashamed. I didn't have any idea that things had gotten that bad. Well, no, maybe that's a lie. I think I ignored the signs deliberately and buried my head in the sand and just hoped they'd get better. Possibly?”
“Rebecca how does that make you feel?”
“Genuinely?”
“Yes please be honest.”
“I'm a little shocked.”
“How so?”
“Well I didn't know he was capable of feeling guilty or ashamed. I mean he's an expert at avoiding showing any real level of honesty or emotion. The only reason we're sat here now is because I'd told him over coffee in the kitchen one morning that if he didn't agree to come to see you with me then he'd be coming home to an empty home.”
“Well you're both here now. The catalyst as to how isn't as important as the fact you're both present and seemingly willing to listen to each others point of view. I'm not here to judge either of you. I'm here to help you both. I cannot make any guarantees, I'm not a miracle pill that you can pop and all your ills will suddenly be over. All relationships need key ingredients, like time, patience, forgiveness, understanding, commitment and above all a willingness to keep trying. Some days you won't get the cake mix right but that doesn't mean the cake isn't still edible. On those days if you can shrug your shoulders and admit defeat, or better still, simply laugh it off then sooner or later you'll find you've got the mixture down to a tee.”
“I mean I like cake,” comes David's somewhat honest response. Maybe a little too honest and misjudged as an answer. This does however bring a chuckle and a smile from the therapist.
“Good, good. I'm glad you like cake. See your smiling now too. These meetings don't have to be a court room where you both feel like you're putting the other person on trial. A lot of couples come to me who aren't even on the same book anymore let alone on the same page. Be honest with each other, do you feel you're both still on the same book at least? David would you like to answer first?”
“I mean I would hope so. I think…no I feel…Oh. No I'd say maybe we're not on the same book anymore but not in a bad way. Maybe Rebecca is onto the next book in a series and she's waiting for me to catch up? Or, I don't know maybe I'm on Chapter 4 and she's on the last Chapter and now I'm realising I'm missing out and I need to catch up quickly so I don't spoil the ending.”
“OK David. Good. That was quite profound. Rebecca, what about you?”
“I hate reading. I'm more of a Netflix person.”
“Ohhhh OK well then please let me apologise. I'm sorry. Would you like to give me your equivalent analogy?”
“David, what do you think I'm about to say?”
“Oh cock. Oh shit sorry I didn't mean to swear there. Oh I've just made that worse haven't I? Sorry. Sorry. What do I think you're about to say? Hmmmm. I would say that… I think youu would sayyyy thattttt you are… that you are home … watching your favourite programme and I'm still at work and that I show little to no interest when I do get home.”
Now it's Rebecca's turn to have the eyes in the room fixed on her. Unlike her husband this doesn't faze her in the slightest as she tilts her head to one side to mull his answer over and within a couple of seconds, with no long drawn out sentences punctuated by awkward pauses, simply nods her head in agreement with him and tells him “Not bad.”
David went to smile but somewhere in his mind found the emergency break pulled and the face muscles ground to a halt. This wasn't the time for smiling. Say something profound. “I hear you.” I said PROFOUND MOTHER FUCKER! Whatttt? We're in the same head. If you didn't think that was profound then why didn't you help me out? Cause it's not always up to me, sometimes you need to think for yourself. Jesus maybe we need to go to couples therapy? Oh you think that's funny do you? Pay attention dimwit they're both looking at you, Switch on Dave!
“You looked deep in thought there David. Was there anything else you'd like to add at this juncture?”
“That I'll workkkk on it. Yes. That I'll work on it. To try be more present. That is to say firstly actually be present and secondly when I'm present, actually be present. Like in the moment…type thing.” He whirls his hand around like he's giving a Royal wave as if that's going to add some weight and gravitas to what's he's just said. “You know I'm not having an affair right?” He adds and wonders if there's a look of surprise on his face at hearing his own voice say the words out loud when he didn't have the thought leading up to it.
Before he has time to start another argument with himself in his head Rebecca replies “Yes you idiot. You're not exactly Brad Pitt are you?”
Thankfully for the therapist David was too busy looking at Rebecca to clock her chameleon like reaction to flick her tongue out and catch her laugh before it ruined her air of professionalism. She made a mental note to laugh when they had left. David in the meantime opened his mouth and raised a finger as if to argue the point, quickly thought better of it and shrugged it off. She has him bang to rights there.
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