"Rebecca, there's a saying in our family that when you want to find out the truth about something or how someone really feels then pick an argument on a night out when everyone's well oiled."
"What? Do people in your family really say that?"
"No, don't be daft all your life take the day off. However! … Whilst they don't say it, they certainly do it. It's how I know our Maggie's husband James has a cock the size and appearance of a bite size spring roll."
Rebecca begins to splutter and choke as her laugh forces the mouthful of water she'd just taken out through her nose like her name was now Moby. Oh well at least there would be one impressive dick featured in this conversation.
"Trust you for funding that funny. I can't think of anything else now if I bump into him and I'll never eat a spring roll of any size ever again."
Finally after what seemed an eternity Rebecca recomposes herself and has clearly used the time wisely as she asks "So what about pancakes?"
"Oh no. NO! No Rebecca. Why would you do that to me? You know how much I love pancakes. I'm sending you the bill for the therapist I'm going to have to see now and I'll need to see a hypnotist to make me forget."
Rebecca tries to stop herself laughing but only succeeds in looking like a cartoon dog as she puts her hand up to her mouth as she sniggers breathlessly.
"Yeah alright Muttley. If you tell me that makes me Dick Dastardly and over emphasise the Dick part I swear it's the last thing you'll ever do and you'll go to your grave not knowing the truth."
Rebecca frantically waves her hands in front of her face in the manner normally reserved to stop passing cars in an extreme emergency as tears rolled down each cheek.
"Don't be using all your tears up because you're going to need some left for when I slap you hard in a minute."
Heads were now turning round to see what all the commotion was about in the far corner of the café. The man sat at the table to the right who'd clearly been earwigging hadn't escaped Jess's attention as she turned her head towards him as his body convulsed with silent laughter. "Oi mister you can stop it and all otherwise you'll be getting a slap next!" He holds his left hand up by way of apology, clearly insincere and not meant as he tries to regain his composure and fails spectacularly as he snorts loudly which only adds to Rebecca's own amusement.
"You know what bollocks to both of you. Maybe you two should date instead?" Jess says before standing up and prepares to march off with blood now pumping through her veins speeding like a Japanese Bullet train down to her right hand making her fingers twitch readying themselves to take possible action. The thought certainly crosses her mind that actually maybe a smack around the back of the head wouldn't go amiss. Does she have the self control?
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