Shimmy Shimmy Ya

“Mikey! Hi. I'm sorry were we expecting you today? Where's Rika, is she not with you? Mikey have you been to a jumble sale in the rain? Oh my god why is there nothing on your feet? Why are you wearing a girls t-shirt and is that … is that shampoo in your hair?”

“Hello Sandra love, let me in before the neighbours start to talk would ya? Didn't wake you did I?”

“No you're alright Mikey kids were up at the crack of dawn. His lordship is still in bed mind, alright for some. Mikey why are you here half dressed, soaking wet and with shampoo in your hair? That is shampoo I take it?”

“Any chance I could maybe jump in your shower and I'll fill in the blanks after?”

“Yeah course love. Give your brother a kick and I'll make you both a brew and a bacon sarnie.”

“You're wasted on him Sandra you know that?”

“Yeah I've been telling him that for years but he doesn't pay any attention. Use one of the kids towels when you get out of the shower and you might want to see if you can borrow something dry to wear.”

“Cheers Sandra, I owe you one.”

Twenty minutes later Mikey walked back down the stairs, this time fully dressed and with the added bonus of being fully dry. He walked into the kitchen to find four pairs of eyes fixed on him; Baby Sam’s sat in his high chair, gives him a big toothless grin and banged his hands on the tray and those of 3 year old Mia who shot off her chair like a rocket and wrapped herself around his legs like a protestor chaining themselves to a railing. That left Sandra's, who by the look on her face had been playing Cluedo in her head since the doorbell went, was it Uncle Mikey in the shower with the lead pipe? That just left Harry who looked at his brother, shook his head, chuckled to himself and turned to take a bite out of his bacon sandwich.

“That’s yours there Mikey,” Sandra tells him pointing to a mug and plate on the counter top. He bends down, scoops his niece up into his right arm and walks over and picks up the plate with his free hand and carries it to a seat at the table next to Sam who's still madly grinning away at him. Sandra, always playing mum, puts the tea a safe distance from little pairs of hands and with Mia now sat on his knee Mikey begins to smash his way through a welcome breakfast. 

“Come on then Uncle Mikey spill the beans?” Sandra instructs him.

“Yeah come on bruv what have you been up to?”

“Mikey make it clean with little ears please,” Sandra adds as a follow up instruction.

“Yeahhh make it cwean Uccle Mikey,” Mia adds for good measure and giggles as Mikey tickles her ribs as punishment and instantly regrets it as her bony bottom wriggles in his lap. 

“Right promise you won't laugh?”

“Really?” Sandra replies raising her eyebrows. 

“Fine. Promise… I don't know. Promise not to put it on Facebook.”

“Oh OK fine. So Instagram is fine?”

“What? Oh very funny. Do you wanna know or not?”

“I'm dying to know,” Sandra replies and takes the seat at the table opposite him, breaks a small piece of crust off her toast and pops it in Sam's mouth much to his pleasure.

“Right. So...” it's fair to suggest story telling isn't one of the skills Mikey has been blessed with. “Hang on let me think about this a moment. It's like a cheese dream.”

“I like cheese,” Mia adds helpfully. 

“Is that why your feet rinky dink dink?” Mikey asks her, tickling her again making her giggle and instantly regrets for a second time as her boney bum once more wriggles in his lap. Typical man never learns the first time around. 

“Right… so I'm stood in the shower, I'm doing my hair and Niharika rushes in and opens the shower door and nearly gave me a heart attack and she starts telling me you've got to go NOW, right away. I'm like what do you mean I've got to go? and she's like my parents are downstairs and I'm like what do you mean your parents are downstairs? How did they get in?”

“How did they get in? I'm presuming Rika didn't let them in?” Sandra asks

“They've got a key,” Mikey confirms. 

“They've got a key?” Says Harry repeating what his brother just said. 

“Didn't realise you had a problem with echoes in this kitchen Harry. Yes they've got a key bruv.”

“Yeah bruv,” adds Mia.

“I'll bruv you in a minute,” Harry tells Mia and puts his fists up like he's ready to brawl and Mia does the same. Sam bangs on his tray in excitement and Sandra pops another small bit of toast in his mouth to quell him down again. 

“Look, they own the house so presumably they have a key. Anyways I've jumped out and I'm panicking and she's … well she's panicking too as you would like and she runs back into the room, runs back into the ensuite and throws some clothes at me and I'm trying to get them on soaking wet. I've got shampoo coming down into my eyes which stings.”

“No more tears is good for that Mikey, I use it on the kids hair.”

“Oh hilarious Sandra thank you so much, I'll make a mental note. Anyways I just about managed to get my jeans on and she's going under her breath hurry, hurry, hurry slapping my arms in a panic which wasn't helping any I have to say.”

“Bet that's the first time a woman's ever told you to hurry Mikey?”

“What does that mean Daddy?” Mia asks inquisitively and Sandra shoots him a look as if to say well done dick head.

“Let Uncle Mikey finish his story darling” Sandra tells her.

“OK,” Mia replies with no argument which was a surprise as everything is usually a battle at that age. 

“Anyways we suddenly both realise I can't just go out through the front door.”

Harry chokes on his sandwich as he starts to laugh and the air intake forces it down the wrong hole.

“Serves you right for laughing,” Mikey tells his brother before continuing “So long story short I've had to climb out the bathroom window onto the porch. I've got her t-shirt in one hand, I've still got shampoo coming down into my eyes so I use the t-shirt to wipe them and now that's all wet. I'm bare foot and I've got visions of crashing through the roof. Suddenly this hand appears through the window and my car keys are thrown at me. I'm just about to try to get down the end onto a bin when Niharika pops her head out the window. Throws my phone at me which somehow I manage to catch and she's trying to tell me to phone Ajay but I couldn't hear her and she can't shout it so I've quickly scrambled back over the roof and gone what? She's like you've got to phone Ajay and tell him he needs to get here now and I'm guessing one of her parents came in behind because she nearly took my head clean off slamming the window shut. So I quickly shuffled my way down back to the far end of the porch roof like the world's worst burglar. Somehow I managed to get myself down onto the bins and jumped off onto the grass without breaking my neck or anything else and then had to stand with my back to the fence and edge my way up to the end of the garden in case anyone happened to be looking out the patio windows. Then I had to climb barefoot over the fence which thankfully at least has panels I could put my foot on to get over. I dropped down onto the other side, nearly gave some old dear a heart attack as she was out walking her dog. I'm hoping she didn't phone the police. Apologised to her and I'm trying to move quickly barefoot and keep stepping on these little stones which was really painful and I remember I've got to call Ajay so I start ringing his mobile over and over and no reply. Thankfully my car was in the little car park at the end of the road and not on the driveway. So I managed to get my head through the T-shirt and just about pull it down, get in the car and I'm still trying to get Ajay on the phone. Finally he answers and he's like Mikey what do you want? And I was like Niharika’s parents are at your house and you need to get home and that must have sobered him up pretty quickly.”

“Where was he?” Sandra asks. 

“In bed with his new bloke from what I can gather. He said they'd been out all night popping pills and only got in about an hour before.”

“No way!” Sandra exclaims. 

“Yep. So I imagine he's in no fit state to face the in-laws but I'm assuming he went there and made it seem like he'd been out to get coffee and pastries or something. So I'd done my part and well I drove here and the rest is history.”

Sandra by this junction loses it and starts to laugh uncontrollably with tears rolling down her eyes. Mia starts to laugh too even if she's not sure why. Sam giggles forcing dribble to spill down his chain carrying with it tiny pieces of toast. Harry having finished his choking is now at least able to laugh at his brother's misfortune without likely killing himself in the process. 

The only person not laughing was Mikey who was now regretting a third time having Mia in his lap, once more wriggling with her boney bum. 

Finally after what seemed like ten minutes but was probably no more than sixty seconds, Sandra had managed to just about regain her composure. “Uncle Mikey, did you ever all think to just come clean about the situation?” 

“Come clean? No Sandra we didn't. I feel so stupid now. Thanks for the tip, maybe we'll try it later?” Mikey replies sarcastically.

“Well what's the worst that could happen?”

“Oh I don't know. Let me think. Well you've a divorce. Two Indian families having to live with the shame that their children's arranged marriage was a sham, that the husband is actually gay and the wife is sha… sherrrraakkkiing … shaking a white man.” 

“Oh nicely saved Mikey,” Harry tells his younger brother, having somehow managed to not inadvertently teach Mia the word shagging.

“Mikey what are you going to do when you want to have kids together? You can't all keep living this lie.”

“Yeah I know but me and Rika are happy and Ajay is happy he gets to lead the life he wants and normally the in-laws give some sense of warning and we all put our lives on hold for a day or two every six months and then it all goes back to normal.”

“Normal?” Sandra asks raising her eyebrows again.

“Well you know as normal as can be under the circumstances.”

“Well I guess. So you'll be staying for dinner later then?” Sandra asks him.

“Yeahhh if that's OK?” Mikey replies sheepishly.

“Yeah that's fine. You're on nappy duties all day though,” Sandra tells him as she hands Sam another piece of toast. 

Mikey looks at Sam who grins at him. Mikey shakes his head and goes to pick up his bacon sandwich not realising that Mia has helped herself to most of the bacon whilst he'd been talking. Oh well he thought to himself that's the least of my worries.