No Armani, no...

Friday night and Owen and Mike are sat at the bar of the Alchemist in Nottingham minding their own, shooting the breeze, talking about nothing and everything at the same time as is their want and ritual every Friday night. The locations change but the end goal is always that maybe this will be the day that they meet the one. That they will no longer have to live in each others pockets like a modern day Bert and Ernie and can begin to finally dispel the rumours circulating that they're in fact really a couple given it's been so long since either one had a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. 

They were just discussing about making a move onto somewhere else when they were interrupted by a particularly attractive woman in her mid 20s stood behind them both trying to attract the attention of the barman. 

Owen turns to her and smiles. “Hi,” he says to her. 

In his head Mike is busy slow clapping his friends' amazing natural ability to talk to attractive women. The compliments that just flow so naturally from his mouth. You look amazing. Your outfit is incredible. Blah blah blah. 

“Hi,” she replies back. 

Oh maybe these two are actually quite suited for one another, Mike now thinks to himself and returns to his drink. Neither of them says anything else to each other. No, maybe I was right the first time around. He was feeling oddly awkward for the two of them now on their behalf. Come on, one of you - say something. This is painful. 

“I'm Jessica.”

“Pleasure to meet you Jessica, I'm Owen.”

Thanks for introducing me too buddy Mike thinks to himself. 

“What star sign are you Owen? I'm a cancer.”

“I'm an Aries. I don't know much about star signs, I'm sorry...” Owen replies, shrugs his shoulders and pulls one of those tilted head I guess that makes me an idiot kind of looks. 

Hmmmm? Mike thinks to himself. 

“Oh,” she replies sounding incredibly disappointed.

“Is that bad?” Owen asks sounding perplexed.  

“Yeah I'm sorry. Cancer and Aries really aren't compatible at all,” she tells him taking care to over emphasise the word really in her sentence. 

“Oh no, that's a shame you seem so nice as well. I'm really sorry. I guess we just wouldn't get along.” Owen replies with genuine sincerity that Mike finds surprising. Not as surprising as the revelation that his friend is an Aries. 

Finally she's ordered her drinks and vacated the bar when Mike turns to face his friend. “So, you're an Aries huh? That's news to me Owen given you were born four days after I was in March and we're both Pisces. I'm wondering why would you lie to her and did you know that Cancer and Aries weren't compatible?”

Owen laughs his mouthful of drink partly back into the glass and partly down his chin which he tries to wipe away with the back of his free hand. “Shit you picked up on that then?”

“Oh you think? Yeah I noticed that.”

“Well it's my golden rule to not date women who are obsessed with star signs especially those who open a conversation about what star sign you are.”

“Since when? Every Friday night we go out together. I've never heard of this once ever. Not one single time have those words ever passed your lips and entered into my ears as sounds and registered in my brain as being a thing. EVER Owen. E v e r - Ever!”

Owen chuckles to himself. 

“Oh I'm sorry did I not share that golden rule with you. Do you remember Nancy?”

“What Nancy, Nancy?”

“Uh huh.”

“Ohhhh shit yeah I get it now, when you two broke up she said it was because your star signs weren't compatible. But she wasn't a cancer though right? So how did you know to say Aries?”

“Oh no she was a Leo. I remember that cause she'd eat you for breakfast in an argument. Seemed kinda apt to me. I remember thinking if a woman ever brings up star signs within the first two minutes of a conversation to give her a wide berth.”

“Great call. You guessed and hoped you were right though about the Aries thing?”

“Oh no I knew. When we broke up Mum was really disappointed and asked why and I told her and she looked it up and was going through all the incompatible star signs and went well., that's nonsense clearly because your Nana and Grandpa were married 60 years and they were Cancer and…”

“Aries?”

“How did you guess?”

“Oh just had a feeling. Change of venue?”

“Good plan.”

"Pardon my French but I need a piss before we go."

"Oh watch out for Mr No Spray, No Lay."

"I think this is a bit too classy a joint for that to be fair."

Owen watches Mike take his last mouthful of drink and adds "No Armani, no punani," and takes great delight as Mike laughs the mouthful back out not only from hia mouth but through his nose. 

And now dear reader you don't have to wonder why these two gentlemen still remain single.