I don't want my own private TED Talk

"Have I ever told you that talking to you feels like being a hamster stuck in a wheel trying to go as fast as I can just desperately hoping my legs don't give out?"

"I don't follow you?"

"Your brain … it moves at such a fast pace that it's sometimes really hard to keep up."

"You said talking to me feels like being a hamster. Wouldn't you be out of breath and unable to talk?"

"Wait, what?"

"I think what you meant to say was having to listen to me feels like being a hamster in the wheel? The suggestion being it's a somewhat exhausting experience no?"

"Oh. Yeah maybe. See that's my point."

"Well fair enough I guess. I just assumed everyone's brains worked the same way?"

"Nooo you idiot. Heyyyy stop stroking my head. What are you doing?"

"Oh I'm sorry my little furry friend I was trying to alleviate animal suffering. Have you got too much carrot wedged into those fat little cheeks of yours?"

"Do you know what you can just fuck right off. I don't know why we're friends."

"No me neither to be fair. I'm allergic to anything with fur. If you're going to be my pet can you be a goldfish instead? No wait, not a goldfish. I had one once as a kid and it would eat its own faeces. It was most disconcerting."

"Ewwwwww noooo. Bad Jimmy! Stop!"

"Are you treating me like a pet now?"

"Yes. Now sit and behave. Oh wow that actually worked. Now… roll over. Oh well that didn't work. Disappointing."

"I'm not an expert in comedy but I feel like maybe your routine needs a little work."

"Oh cause you're Michael fucking McIntyre?"

"So little bit awkward, I literally no idea of who that is. Out of general curiosity did you add the expletive for effect or is that part of his stage name assuming that he is indeed a comedian?"

"I added it for effect and yes he's a comedian. I mean come on, how have you not heard of him?"

"Because I fill my brain with useful information, not meaningless trivial nonsense like you."

"Oh wow you really are your natural shitty charming self today aren't we?"

"Do we really need the expletives with every sentence that passes from your lips?"

"Well maybe if you stop pissing me off so much then I might stop adding them. It's like a tick I find myself getting every time you're in my presence."

"Well maybe think about your analogies for a teeny tiny wincy bit longer before delivering them?"

"Did you just use the term wincy? As in the incy wincy spider type wincy?"

"Oh that you picked up on?"

"Oh now who's the comedian?"

"Was that funny?"

"Noooo."

"Oh then why imply that I'm now the comedian?"

"Do you want to live to see the end of the day?"

"Are you threatening me? I must warn you that I know a multitude of martial arts moves. Care to try my Wing Chun out?"

"Fuck off do you know Wing Chun. Why are you standing up? No sit. Bad Jimmy. Sit. Wait, do you really know Wing Chun?"

"What do you think? Go on, give it your best shot."

"You know what I'm actually gonna pass because it stands to reason you'd have no idea who the fuck Michael McIntyre is but actually know how to do Wing Chun. Thank you for the opportunity by the way."

"Oh, not just Wing Chun… Krav Magra, capoeira, choy gar…"

"You're just making shit up now?"

"No I'm not. These are martial arts practised for centuries around the world. Let me demonstrate on you."

"Nooo go away. Oh my good you're intolerable."

"Insufferable?"

"That too andddddd … insulant."

"Oh jolly good. That's amuse-bouche."

"Oh do fuck off Pepé le Pew over there."

"I think the term you were looking for is insolent?"

"What did I say?"

"Insulant."

"What's the difference?"

"Well I'll assume you meant to claim I'm rude in one shape or form. What you actually said is that I'd basically be something handy to wrap around you and keep you warm."

"Oh."

"Yes oh indeed."

"Well I don't want you wrapped around me thank you very much. You already act as a repellant to any man that ever shows an interest in me. They seem to think that you come as part of any relationship."

"Oh do I not then?"

"Well kinda I guess. Lets face facts though, if you didn't have me you'd have no one."

"Oh on the contrary I can conjure up a multitude of the finest minds within the walls of my own."

"You need to masturbate more."

"What do you mean more? One doesn't have time for juvenile things like masturbation India. Dear Lord. I shudder at the very suggestion."

"Well I like to…"

"PLEASE for both our sakes do not finish that sentence."

"Fine! Sheesh kebab. What have I told you about calling me India?"

"I don't remember remind me again. It's your name isn't it?"

"Ohhh myyy God what do you mean you don't remember? We've had this conversation dozens of times Jimmy!"

"Have we? Well maybe you need tonconsider that it's just not important enough for me to have stored it away."

"Not stored it away? You're such a fucking prick. I'm your only friend in this world and you can't remember that one simple thing for me? We both know you'd miss me if I wasn't here."

"No I wouldn't."

"Oh man. No you probably wouldn't. Now I feel doubly sad. You're just mean."

"Oh. That's bad isn't it?"

"Yes it's bad!"

"Should I stroke your head again to make it better?"

"Actually yeah that might work. No, don't do it."

“Oh but you just said…”

“I was being ironic.”

“You think that was irony? Oh never mind. Look remind me what I should call you if not by the name that your parents gave you at birth? You had that look on your face that suggests being… well you know?”

“What upset?”

“Possibly.”

“Indy! I like being called Indy!”

“Indy. Like Indy, short for Indiana.”

“No you idiot like Indy short for India!”

“Oh. Yes, that makes more sense.”

"Look, as a tip, pretty much everyone in the world but you starts a conversation with small talk."

"Small talk?"

"Yeah you know like how was your morning? Did you watch Eastenders last night? Maybe talk about what the weather is like."

"What's the point in that?"

"Well….it's… well it's an entry point."

"To what the tall talk? The actual meaningful bits?"

"Well kinda I guess."

"Then again I'll ask the question, what's the point?”

“Because it makes both parties feel involved and not like one has been invited to a TED Talk where they're the only audience member.”

“What's a TED Talk?”

“How do you not know what a TED talk is? It's 2025.”

“Have they passed a requirement into UK Law that I need to know what a TED Talk is?”

“I wouldn't have thought so, no.”

“Great. Then I won't worry about it.”

“Do you worry about anything?”

“Of course.”

“Like what?”

“Nothing that would constitute small talk and let's try to not break your hamster wheel.”

“Is that an insult or an act of kindness disguised as an insult?”

“Would the second option feel better as an answer for you?”

“Yes it would.”

“Then let's go with that.”

“Could you at least pretend to show the smallest…the smallest… modicum of interest in my life.”

“Interesting. Why did you use the word modicum? Are you trying to impress me?”

“No.”

“You are aren't you? I knew it. You were going to say something like - you could pretend to show the slightest bit of interest but you instead substituted the word bit for modicum. Do you know what?”

‘No, what?”

“I'm very impressed Indy.”

“Awwww you said you were impressed and you called me Indy. I actually think I might cry.”

“Oh dear Lord please don't do that. No stop, how do I make you stop? Please stop it now…”