“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.”
Oscar Wilde.
Miranda Keeling is a published author and observer of everyday life. You can find her amazing work on X @MirandaKeeling. What follows is the poor man's version of things observed through my own eyes. Warning may contain swearing.
March 2025
1st
The smallest car I've ever seen drives past in red. Wide enough only for a single passenger it appears like it shrank in the wash. You'd not survive inside it if hit by a lorry
At a junction the sun reflects off the silver lady of a Rolls Royce complete with full wooden coachwork on the back. This is a very grand old lady still ruling the roads but now at a very leisurely pace
In top of a seven foot hedge sit two dozen or more chaffinch unmoved by passers by as if they're sat motionless playing the child's game what's the time Mr Wolf
A tractor with a large trailer full of parts hurtles around a corner and slams on the brakes kicking up a wave of dust and causing the trailer to veer from side to side as it came sharply behind two young lads on bikes probably totally oblivious to how they'd nearly been flattened
A squat man in his 30s wears a poncho that comes down to his shins. Sadly he wears neither a sombrero or cowboy hat though he definitely looks American because no one British has ever been seen wearing such a thing that I've ever seen or at least not in public
In a well lit front room late at night an African grey parrot is perched upon the top of its cage watching out the window most probably wishing it was anywhere else in the world right now and desperate for contact of any kind
On a cold night all the windows in a large crowded pub are steamed over proving its customers are if nothing else, full of hot air
2nd
Sunny days bring day trippers out like shit around flies as the queue for Ickworth Park backs up all the way back down to the gates
A woman in her late 20s is on a child's scooter trying to re-live her youth but abandons it when she comes close to stacking it
Traffic has stopped on a country lane. A man and a woman are talking in the middle of the road to someone in a farm vehicle. To the left of the woman a large white bundle which suddenly moves up the grass bank like a giant silk worm. Turns out its someone in a duvet who then curls up on the bank and doesn't move. Some things you really couldn't make up
A couple around retirement age are marching across the countryside both using ski poles on a beautiful sunny spring morning. I'm tempted to warn them about avalanches but for once think better of it
3rd
A man scoops his dog up and walks cradling it in his arms. Puts a new spin on taking a dog for a walk
4th
It appears no form of gritter is allowed on UK roads without some form of pun. On the back of a flatbed truck a dispenser labelled snow way
5th
A police riot van is followed down a hill by 3 squad cars. I believe that's what is more commonly known as overkill
Having just finished telling the manager in Tescos how I would happily kill someone right now, a female police officer walks through the door. Time for a cool sharp exit
Mid afternoon and three teenagers are making use of the spring sunshine. Two girls, one boy, all barefoot. One of the girls cartwheels her innocence not yet lost. Example plays on a loud speaker, a track probably as old as all three
A mallard quacks as it flies over a bridge before gliding in to land on a river and disappears out of view looking very much the expert lander
A huge lorry with a grab hand is scooping up chunks of concrete. You can't see the grab operator however making it look like the machine is undertaking the task all by itself
A young muntjac bounces out from the garden of the police station. Released with a caution?
6th
For three or four glorious minutes walking down a road, near perfect silence, the only noise the wind in the trees and birds chirping. No cars, workmen, dogs barking or people talking
A few minutes after part ot the flock of sheep has moved fields through a forest a lone sheep tries to move quickly to follow as if it was concentrating so hard on eating it hadn't even realised his mates had left it behind
7th
Without warning a flock of gulls circling a couple of hundred feet up, explode into a cacophony of shrieks
Twenty to ten and in a well lit room a dog sits with its head resting on a window sill motionless with a face pining away full of sadness
10th
Outside of a pub a one legged man has a pretend sword fight with his walking stick with another man who has the base of a umbrella
12th
An old woman puts her bag down on her sloped driveway from which rolls out a bottle of wine moving way too fast for her old legs. Taking pity on her I scoop the bottle up and taking a line from Bond give it to her saying shaken not stirred. Sadly that clearly went over her head
From below a huge white cloud that looks like surf break frozen in the sky, a huge rainbow beam gleams from the bottom making the most magical spectacle to witness
13th
I double take at a man jogging past me who is the spitting image of the late Sven Goran Ericksson
Outside a village hall two A boards promote forthcoming events; One for a keyboard concert and one for movie night showing Dirty Dancing. I can tell you where I won't be on both those nights
15th
Grit from a moving truck hits the road and is lifted in the wind like a sandstorm. If it wasn't so cold you could imagine you were at the beach on a windy day
Within a month of having been laid a tarmac path has been dug up by the gas company which truly beggars belief
17th
A heron flying south west across a field pulls a huge curved turn and banks north west and ends up travelling half a kilometre plus to go about 100 metres right of where it started
Horses take it in turn to drink from a trough. Water falls from each mouth like a waterfall leading me to wonder if that's what's meant by the old adage you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I may be paraphrasing there to suit my own needs
Two tankers make their way to deliver to Greene King, one carrying Old Speckled Hen the other scotch. Financially you'd hijack the second. I definitely watched Goodfellas too many times growing up
Two teenage lads listen to the intro of a track on a phone and start to dance before realising they're being watched and stop faster than they began
The time 2228 and a flatbed truck is laden with milk making deliveries to private residencies. Either its incredibly late or spectacularly early
18th
Newborn Egyptian Geese dispersed quickly under chain link fences on a road next to the busy A14. One of its parents perilously takes flight over the road narrowly avoiding the oncoming traffic and abandoning their offspring.
19th
Two pigeons sit low on a fence. I originally thought they were sunbathing until you see opposite a pigeon with its head torn clean off so maybe they're in mourning
20th
A Lamborghini rolls down a country road at 30 mph with a low whine as if saying to the driver this isn't what I was built and designed for let me off the leash
21st
A middle aged man and woman are dressed identically from head to toe including plain baseball caps and shades as if they're make believe undercover agents
A woman sits in the passenger seat of a black saloon BMW stuffing her face with junk food. She's so obese, had she been in a Fiat 500 you imagine she'd get stuck and the bed of the vehicle would be touching the floor
A squad car passes a traffic island where two men are waiting to cross. The police officer driving flicks the V from the window at one of the men who laughs. Think you've seen it all? Guess again
22nd
A young teenage girl walks swinging a full cucumber whilst singing Lily Allen's Smile and there was me thinking yesterday was weird.
A woman who I'd estimate is at least in her mid 50s is dressed like she's 30 years younger with knee high boots and tights designed to look like stockings. She has giant headphones on and whatever she's listening to it's causing her to walk as if she's a female John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
23rd
A woman tells a child to smile as she takes a photo. I'm reverted back to childhood before the days of digital photography. It's years since I last heard someone say it when taking a photo. Maybe if I'd waited long enough she'd have then said - say cheese
A lone sheep chews grass in a field whilst the remainder of the flock is the other side of a river having to share in a space half the area
A man drives an open top MG. The wind pushing over the windscreen tickles what little white hair remains on his head
24th
A little boy of pre-school age is stood beaming with his wellie boots on in the middle of a stream
25th
A woman tries to coax her dog into moving off the grass who’s having absolutely none of it. Rolling onto its back she ends up pulling it along the grass. She rolls it onto its front and still it sits steadfast.
29th
A man stands on the junction of a minor road smiling with his thumb held out trying to hitchhike a lift without success, something I've not seen in a decade or more. Less than a kilometre later a woman in her late 30s is walking her dog navigating her way using a folded map. The two leave me feeling like I've stepped back in time
Five adults on bikes all wear the same red and black style helmet. They patiently wait for a small child in an aqua green helmet whose bike has stabilisers as he tries to navigate a gravel path descent. It has the feel of a strange cult. The child unstable takes out their frustration on the gravel kicking it up in a cloud of dust. Either that or he wants in on the red and black club.
On a bench carved into a fallen tree, a girl of about three sits on the raised end, knees curled up enjoying a packet of crisps her face turned to the sun. She's living her best life
30th
A 4 by 4 truck pushes its way up a gravel track followed closely behind by a saloon car kicking up dust which is billeted by a strong wind whipping everyone walking past in a huge unwelcome cloud.
A beautiful old open top sports car goes through the gates of a stately home looking every inch like this is where it belongs
Under a stairwell out in the open, the foot of a homeless person sticks out the end of a sleeping bag below which are a set of crutches as a timely reminder that the chances are your problems comparatively aren't really problems at all
Two men stop to chat. One with a thick Yorkshire accent says he's having a tussle between a cuppa and a beer. I'm not sure I've ever tussled over anything
31st
In a flower bed are painted sheep and chick's popping out of eggs, in the middle of which is a real squirrel trying to blend in
A man walks talking on his phone very loudly. I'm not sure what language he's talking but a lot or the words sound like the reactional noises of football fans from the stands
A pigeon nests in the arches of a Norman Tower. Quite a flex for your home even if it is just a few twigs on a ledge underneath the grand structure
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