“Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.”
Oscar Wilde.
Miranda Keeling is a published author and observer of everyday life. You can find her amazing work on X @MirandaKeeling. What follows is the poor man's version of things observed through my own eyes. Warning may contain swearing.
January 2024
1st
Somewhere behind a row of terraced houses the voice of a drunken man can be heard singing so good, so good, so good without the musical accompaniment of Sweet Caroline
A father carries his little girl down the hill, she's got one welly on, one off which is being dutifully carried by mother alongside
14th
On the side or a road a learner driver stands looking sheepish as the instructor tries to force out a broken panel on the rear right end. A timely reminder why it pays not to follow too closely behind learners
A full sized white mannequin stands outside a house sporting a pinny. It's about as random a thing as I've ever seen as an ornament.
February 2024
21st
Rain slants in sideways as an old woman walks into it clinging onto a tiny umbrella which is at best a placebo and serving very little purpose. Her misery is completed as it turns itself inside out and sticks to itself in a clump. She walks for a good few yards with it in front of her face likes she's carrying the Olympic torch
23rd
In a front garden sits a leather armchair next to which is propped a pink suitcase making it look like one of the world's worst departure lounges
A man tries to clear a huge pile of logs by lobbing them into a wheelbarrow a fair few feet away. He's doing well with his aim before one causes the entire lot to fall out at which point he looked to the heavens in despair and I had to bury my mouth into my coat in case he catches me laughing and throws a log at me
June 2024
5th
A USAF plane flies through the skies in the distance. There's something pertruding from under the cockpit giving it the impression it's being flown upside down
A young man walks down the road dressed head to toe in neon orange workgear, clasping a tablet and with a protective hat on his head. There's nothing ovehead so maybe he's waiting for the upside down plane to drop from the skies
July 2024
Dates not noted at time
In the window of a downstairs flat hangs an England flag below which a decoration saying happy Christmas and below that three more decorations including a santa and a reindeer. You know the song I wish it could be Christmas everyday, well…
A car passes me which looks like an emergency vehicle but I couldn't work out what type it was. The back in big letters reads Paralytic. Being a recovering alcoholic there was I time that would have been the emergency service for me
A man I'd estimate to be in his 30s sports the type of moustache last seen on a retired wing commander in their 70s
A newly married couple are walking to have their photographs taken. She's wearing a smile a mile wide, he's wearing a light blue suit which the polite summing up of in one word would be ambitious
A young lad sits on steps in shorts and a t-shirt. His gut is flopping over his shorts. The t-shirt is emblazoned with the word icon which I'd argue is even more ambitious than the groom's suit back down the road
A middle aged woman walks through the market looking like a character from a Charles Dickens novel resplendent in a black suit with top hat and walking cane
A bus driver is stood in full public view propped against a railing, fag hanging out of his mouth, coin in hand going at a scratchcard. There's a man looking for an exit from his current job in more ways than one
13th
A mobility scooter is parked on a road. Red yellow and green, the footwell is adorned with grass
Two middle aged women with zero degree of shame work their way through a skip
In a cathedral a live band performs Elvis. Makes a change from Morning has broken.
A white van pulls up blaring out music. Out the passenger side a great Dane has its head out the window. Around its neck a huge gold chain you'd see on a rapper
17th
A woman is perched on a doorstep with her greyhound. On her head a huge cream sun visor which makes her look like an extra from the Handmaid's Tale
A group of small children are playing football with two coaches watching on. One boy goes down clutching his face with both hands and lays motionless like that in the foetal position. Not one person reacts.
20th
On the back of a smart car someone has added a sticker of the word arse
22nd
A squirrel takes advantage of a burst water main and drinks in the middle of a closed road
August 2024
10th
A man in a beekeeper's hat mows a lawn. Proof if ever needed you've never really seen it all
12th
A man pulls up at a traffic lights in his pride and joy black eco friendly Tesla. The drivers side of the vehicle is peppered with bird excrement. Eco credentials of a very different sort
17th
Close to lunchtime and a man is stood down a country lane talking on the phone in his dressing gown.
26th
A man in his early 20s is walking down a road just after 9pm alone. He's looking down at his phone which is playing music from the speaker, atop his head a Burger King crown. Party for one
A biker speeds down the road on a trike. His long white beard parted by the wind like moses with the sea trying to tickle the face of the woman behind
28th
A man wears a look of utter despair as his dog lays on the grass steadfastly refusing to move from where it's lying down
31st
A flock of gulls sits behind a tractor. I feel a this could be a modern update chance for Eric Cantona's infamous trawler speech but with a Suffolk spin
September 2024
6th
Behind a one way sign someone has sprayed the words 'This is' and 'to fry an egg'
9th
In a field under dark grey clouds all the sunflowers stand with tilted heads as if showing a sense of shared sadness
12th
Dusk and a man in early 20s walks up the hill onto an estate in his dressing gown with no sense of irony, shame or maybe he's pretending to he Obi Wan Kenobi and off to a fancy dress party.
19th
A man leans against the counter ot the fish and chip shop which he's a lot wider than. Not a great advert for the food he's waiting on his order for
20th
A rotund man in his 20s walks a dog. He's Sporting black and white long socks pulled up to his knees. Maybe it's his turn to dress up at work as Ronald McDonald. His waistline suggests he loves a McDonald's
October 2024
2nd
Close on 10pm and in a bedroom window you can see a teenage boy with large headphones on motioning like he's playing a guitar whilst seemingly being completely unaware that his singing resembles the sound of a cat locked in the first part of a washing machine cycle.
A baby girl in a pink romper suit is facing forward in a baby carrier handing out the biggest toothy free grins to all who pass making a drizzly morning appear much more sunnier than it really is
4th
Two men are stood laughing at the bus station as one films the other on his phone wearing a tiny cone shaped party hat on his head complete with elastic under his chin to keep it in place
11th
A large black 4x4 Volvo is parked under a pear tree. There's an almighty thud on the bonnet as nature seeks retribution to the damage these vehicles cause by releasing its wares onto it. If nothing else I've learned today where the sweet name pear drops comes from.
17th
An old lady is coming down the road on a mobility scooter which has an extensive rain hood above which from a distance makes her look like she's carrying out some type of low level paragliding
22nd
A fat topless man stands cradling a newborn baby in front of an old man who looks like he's taking a break from touring with ZZ Top. If this wasn't surreal enough of a sight mid afternoon , it's late October asa reminder. The man holding the baby looks like he's beating all known medical science and carrying another one or maybe two babies in his vast gut
24th
Wind whips through the foliage of a large tree giving the leaves the appearance of thousands of jazz hands of yellow, orange and red as if the tree is going ta-da aren't I amazing? Yes you are
I walk closely past two women on horseback wary of the sheer scale of each thoroughbred. The woman closest says "good boy," presumably to the horse but if it was aimed at me I'll take it
Dusk and its rush hour in the sky. A gaggle of geese flies west, a flock of ducks north and a huge flock of smaller birds heads east. Not sure I'll get thr Autumn Watch gig on BBC
25th
Walking through a town centre close on 10pm a group of 4 girls maybe 16 or 17 years old at most are singing La Roux’s Bulletproof a song released when they were probably all still in nappies.
27th
A bright green Lamborghini whines it's way through a 30mph zone sulking that it's got to behave. It's so low to the ground you wonder if the owner is rich enough to have themselves winched in and out of it.
28th
In the front downstairs windows of a residential house various Santa's of differing sizes are displayed leaving me questioning whether I've lost a month. No, it's definitely Halloween today although it is a harrowing and scary sight so…
30th
Thick fog fills the cold autumn air. Around an exposed corner comes a luminous bright white light like something out of Close Encounters. All that's missing is some eerie music
10pm and on a darkened green a traffic cone and a can of presumably now empty Pringles have appeared as if a clue to someone living la vida loca walking home
November 2024
1st
On a calm autumn afternoon a woman walks holding a scarf over her face, thick woolen hat on and dark sunglasses as if she's practicing for a snowstorm
A woman with her two sons stop for a photo opportunity. First she takes her coat off and puts it on the floor. Then she starts messing with the taller sons hair. If her day job isn't a stylist then she's got some serious issues that the sons are going to hate her for later in life
10th
Four adults walk down the road abreast. Three clutch coffee's, the fourth a buggy in which a little girl is sat in a flat cap making funny noises which she's finding highly amusing.
December 2024
2nd
Flashing Christmas lights reflect against a full afternoons worth of rain on the road creating silent disco puddles
8th
An electric car reverses making a reverberating sound like it's a flying saucer from a 1970s sci-fi film
13th
On the top of a house rooftop stands a heron large in the space you'd normally find reserved for a gull or a pigeon
19th
In the dark an old man and woman travel in convoy on mobility scooters. She's covering her face at the front and the man behind is on oxygen support which makes me wonder if they've said fuck this and are making a break for it
20th
A Deliveroo delivery rider is coming down a hill on his bike wearing black gloves that look more like oven gloves that he's borrowed from one of the restaurants he's working for. Not sure how he'll apply his brakes in an emergency
Woven around the base of a tree which has grown up into two split trunks are Christmas lights which when fully illuminated give the impression the home owner is very much sticking two fingers up at Christmas
21st
The expression goes that dogs look like their owners. I'm walking behind a woman with a bull dog, she's sporting black leggings which struggle to keep her large rear in check. The pair of them are a heaving wobbling movement in perfect unison
Two barbers are dressed in matching outfits consisting of bright orange trawlermen hats and brown garish Hawaiin style shirts. You couldn't pay me to let either of them touch my hair.
23rd
Through a living room window a pink neon sign shines work the words reach for the stars. I'm guessing big S club 7 fans
Through a bedroom window you can clearly see a painting of a young HRH Elizabeth II. Wouldn't be my first choice of pinup but each to their own
Two men walk around a corner. One has really high shoulders, hands by his side talking in a high pitch and has a pointy nose. If it wasn't for the hat on his head he'd be the human version of Despicable Me
24th
From out of the dark skips a small girl in a yellow dress, resplendent with fairy wings and a pink wand. Enjoy childhood while you're still in it kiddo
A man in a Tesco uniform cycles up the hill of a one way street the wrong way with no lights on and no handed because his hands are holding a massive present. I'm guessing he's a Wham fan because this could well be his last Christmas
25th
Outside a family house stands a blow up Grinch resplendent in a Santa costume that is so big its only short of the roofline by about a foot
26th
A couple enter the sea and for the next minute give any passers by an insight into the noises you might hear in their bedroom before exiting faster than they entered the water
An old man appears to have had one too many sherries. Either that or he really liked the wall he was hugging.
A man stands with an A Board around his neck with a message about God on it, a microphone headset the likes of which were last seen worn by Britney Spears, he then starts talking about Christ and finally moves onto singing. All passing hephens, well we ignore him. Seems harmless enough. Gets him some fresh air if nothing else.
A towering stocky bald man walks down the middle of a road wearing a black and orange vertical stripped jacket. He's missing the boater to complete the look of a Mary Poppins extra
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