Aching Uterus

“Ahhh Miss Montague how are we today?”

“I'm good, how are you? You look amazing by the way!”

“Thank you, so do you as always you utter cow.”

“Samantha, you say the nicest of things. No wonder everyone loves you so much!”

“I know right?”

“How was your day?”

“Oh you know. The usual…”

“Oh that good hey?”

“I'm coming back as a white male in my next life.”

“Oh God, me too. Life would be so much easier wouldn't it?”

“Tell me about it!”

“Do you want to see something adorable?”

“Have you been making photo collages of me again?”

“Sorry no. You're such an idiot by the way!”

“But you love me…”

“Oh totally. No this isn't of you I'm afraid. I swear to God my uterus has been aching all day.”

“Did you make a doctor's appointment? Have you been sleeping with Jason again? He was nasty. You could have literally caught anything from that man!”

“Oh my god no. You're so disgusting. Did you miss the part where I said I wanted to show you something adorable?”

“Ohhhhhh yeah my bad. No really, my bad. Show me, show me!”

“Well this morning I had to swing by and pick Bradley up as we had a meeting in town…”

“Oooo Bradley. Is he like Bradley Cooper?”

“Err noooo sadly not. However his daughter Harper is literally the most adorable thing on two legs. I need a baby so much.”

“Well Miss Rebecca Montague let me tell you about the birds and the bees, unless you're going to get the turkey baster out and go DIY you're going to need to find yourself a man first and definitely not one like Jason can I just add. Then you two are going to have to get naked and he is gonna stick his ding a ling in your… ”

“Do not finish that sentence. Hush! Let me find these videos I took for you. I mean I didn't take them for you but you know what I mean.”

“I do worry about you sometimes, you know that?”

“Yeah me too. Oh here we are. Watch this.”

"I want Weebecca to help me."

"How about we call her Becky?"

"Why? Wuhbecca is her name?"

"Well yes that is very true, you certainly got me there. What do you say?"

"Gooood job!"

"No you wally. What do you say if you want someone to help you?"

"Ohhhh. Pwease Wuh.. Wuh… Webecca?"

"Oh! Sure thing, why not, it would be my pleasure."

"OK well that's sorted then. What do you want to wear so I can go get them out and then Rebecca can help you?"

"Ummmm… my boots and my stawwy glasses…. My, my ummmm annnnddd…."

"anddddd how about I show Rebecca where your clothes are kept whilst I find your Wellington boots and your star sunglasses and you can choose together? Deal?"

"Deal!”

 

“Oh my days she's adorable. Definitely no fanny flutters from Bradley though. Such a shame.”

“Jesus, will you behave for once?”

“No.”

“OK, well tone it down. Now watch the next one.”

“There's more?”

“Oh yeah. So we go into her room and she gives me the lowdown of all her soft toys and their names and she shows me some pictures she's crayoned and then we go through her clothes and I'm holding tops up and she's shaking her head until finally we find a dinosaur one she likes. Then we move down a drawer and it's a mixture of little people's shorts and dresses and her little head is going from side to side at everything I pick up that I think will match. Finally I give up on trying to find anything that matches and that plan works a treat.”

“Oh it did? What did she choose?”

“Well, I think it's better if I show you. If you think the outfit is great, you're going to love, love, love the commentary that goes with it!”

 

“Oh wow Harper you… youuuu look ridiculous.”

“No. You look weedickolus!”

“I do? Oh no tell me why?”

“Coz. Coz you do!”

“Is it my tie? Is it the colour? You can be honest with me. It's OK, I'm a grown up, I can take it.”

“Is youwa top and youwa tie. They bad. Bad, bad.”

“Oh. OK. Bad, bad. Thats not good. Well you're entitled to your opinions. I think you look embarrassing if I'm being honest.”

“No. You awah em.. embaw.. you awah embawasin!”

“I'm embarrassing? I'm not the one wearing wellington boots, star sunglasses, a dinosaur T shirt and a pink tutu. Did you look in the mirror before you came out of your room?”

“Yes I did.”

“Oh and what did you see that I didn't see? Did you see a rockstar looking back at you?”

“Yes I am a woksta!”

“Ohhhhhh cool. Do you think we should buy Rebecca an outfit to match yours so she'd look cool too?”

“Yeah!!!”

“Rebecca, would you like that?”

“Ohhhh erm yesssss, yes I would. I'll let you know my boot size when I drop you back off later.”

"See Daddy. Webecca … Wuh…Wuhbucca say I is cool."

"Oh well then it's two against one. Majority rules and you win. Congratulations. Good job on being clever like mummy!"

 

"Oh my God she's adorable. I've so many questions for you right now. Ummm where to start? Did you give Bradley your boot size?"

"Damn it, do you know what? I actually forgot. I'll message him when I leave."

"How old is she?"

"Oh two something."

"Two something? Like two and seven, twenty seven? Has she got a genetic condition that stunts her growth?"

"Oh look at Michael McIntyre sat over there, did the Paladium confirm your next gig?"

"Oh any day now. Anyyy day now!"

"Great! Good for you. I think she's like 2 years and 8 months or maybe 9."

"So not 27 with a genetic condition. Gotcha."

"You finished?"

"Not yet. Did he let her go out like that?"

"Oh yeah she went off happy as erm…"

"A pig in shit?"

"No Samantha! Bad Samantha! Behave!"

"Becky you know I get fanny flutters when you discipline me right?"

"Enough already. Jesus!"

"I'm sorry…well sorry not sorry."

"Larry!"

"Bless you."

"What?"

"Oh you didn't sneeze. My bad."

"Oh wow you're on a roll. No Harper, she went off happy as Larry. Bradley said its easier to let her decide at that age what she wants to wear otherwise it becomes a battle of wills."

"Oh. Yeah that kinda makes sense I guess. Didn't he mind you filming her?"

"Ohhh … yeah I didn't think that through and then he brought it up in the car and I was like oh shit I didn't even think because she's just so adorable. He was cool and said it happens a lot but not to post it to any socials, what with her being a rockstar and all. God I was mortified."

"Well so you should be. Guess it's handy you're not a white male after all."

"Oh shit. Yeah. Lesson learned on that one. He was cool with it though. I think. Would he have said if he wasn't?"

"Yeah I think so. Men are less complicated than us. You can ask a man straight out if he wants to have sex and he'll just say yes so you're probably pretty safe."

"Yeah that's true I guess."

"Where's her mum? Is she not in the picture?"

"Oh Lisa? Yeah she's there. She's a humanitarian lawyer. I think Bradley said she was due in the high court all day."

"Wowwwww fancy. Is that why he was arguing with her? Is he getting her ready to join the family firm?"

"Actually that's not a bad guess. It was something along the lines of being able to stand up for herself and present a case for her defence. They're very much from the school of trying to highlight her intellectual capacities rather than her looks so she doesn't grow up to be…"

"Like me and you? Self obsessed?"

"Well you speak for yourself. Well I guess. Makes sense when you think about it though right? I'd like a man to tell me how clever I was straight off the bat."

"With legs like yours you've got no chance. I hate you so much by the way did I ever tell you that? You know you could pull off Wellington boots, a tutu, a dinosaur tshirt and star shaped sunglasses right?"

"Oh yeah I know."

"Cow."

"Yep I heard you when I came in but thank you again Miss Lane. I'll take the backhanded compliment though."

"Can I start walking you Webecca?"

"No, no you can't. Right, let's get a drink. You're buying."

"How is that fair?"

"Because you've been a naughty, naughty girl and you need to be punished."

"Oh Miss Montague I really have been a naughty girl…I can feel my fan…"

"Enough! I'm not joking with you anymore. You're always crossing the line. You'll have to make mine a large Pinot Grigio now!

"Spoilsport. You need to take a page out or Harper's fun book."

"Or just meet up with Harper instead of you?"

"Oh miaow."