“What is it that appeals to you about writing?”
“Appeals? Hmmm. Good word. l would say that for me its appeal is that it lets me be anyone in the world that I want and most importantly it releases me from the pressure of being me and living isolated within my own head. I can be a man or a woman of any age or ethnicity. If I'm angry I can punch someone in the face, when I feel like I'm about to fall off the wagon I can take myself to a pub and drink until I fall off my barstool and not wake up with remorse, shame, loathing or any feelings of guilt the next day. Oh and of course no hangover which is always an added bonus wouldn't you agree?”
“Oh totally. Why writing though versus say acting? Wouldn't acting also allow you to be someone else?”
“Well no offence to actors, which of course when someone says that usually means every offence to whoever they're talking about so I apologise in advance if I do offend anyone but I'll try not to. I'm just not cut out to be the centre of attention and neither do I need to be in the middle of it all. I'd simply prefer a person's gaze to be on the words I've written on a page than on me in person. Besides, I'd end up looking like Mrs Doubtfire if I was to try to act the role of a woman, rather than simply trying to write through the eyes of a woman.”
“You've mentioned writing as if you were a woman a couple of times already, is that something important to you and if so why?”
“Of course. I think every man should stop and put themselves in the shoes of a woman, especially white men. We are the most privileged humans on the planet. We could live to be 90 and never experience any form of racism aimed at us. We'll never experience what it's like to carry a baby or give birth to a baby. I guess that's maybe on the extreme end of the spectrum. On the other, we don't know what it's like to sit in a meeting and have our ideas dismissed simply because they were raised by a female. We don't know what it's like to feel threatened day to day whilst out and about and always having to be on guard. I've got three daughters, three grown up daughters now I might add and at a certain point they've all grown into women and I need to alter my perspective on their lives. So I throw questions at myself and situations and ask how would I deal with them if I was a woman? How would I react? A lot of time men react with violence and a woman doesn't necessarily have that luxury. I think once you realise what the challenges of being a woman are as a man your outlook on life changes. Could be something simple like crossing the street if you're following behind a woman or if one is coming towards you at night just to signal that you're not a threat. It's a small gesture, a gesture that may often go unnoticed and yet to some it'll mean as much as that smile from a stranger when you're having a bad day. I see you, I acknowledge your existence and even if it's for a few seconds you're the most important person in my world even if you are a stranger.”
“Oh wow that's quite a powerful way to put it. For a few seconds you're the most important person in my world even if you're a stranger. I'll try to remember that and smile more. Do you think women would feel reassured by that statement?”
“What, the smiling part or that a man can take a walk in her shoes for want of a better expression and figure it out that they have it way worse than we will ever do as a man? I'll assume the latter. In this world? I'm sorry to say that I very much doubt that.”
“What have your daughters taught you?”
“Firstly just how much I had no idea about. How my reactions to situations were the worst thing in the world and that I was actually kept out of the loop for that very reason because my behaviour would have been counteractive and not at all helpful to the situation.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Honestly? I went through an entire rollercoaster of emotions. No father wants to hear the words oh we didn't tell you because we knew how you'd react. It's humiliating, humbling, embarrassing. You feel guilty, ashamed, stupid… It's truly humbling. Incredibly beneficial of course at the same time but it takes a while for that to sink in and process alongside everything else you'd just learned. Knowing you weren't there when your kid needed you is bad enough but knowing you were there and couldn't be counted upon just ramps it up to a whole new level.”
“I bet. Wise words for any father to be listening to and learn from right now. I hope everyone is taking notes.”
“I'd always say I'm the last person you should take advice from but the problem with most men is that we never truly listen to women. Our answer is to respond to one force with an equal force. Violence is fought with violence, intimidation with intimidation. My experience has led me to believe that a lot of women just want to be listened to and more importantly be believed. I can't imagine how harrowing it is to be sexually assaulted, but knowing so many women around the world internalise it and pretend it never happened is truly harrowing and heartbreaking. Imagine living with that fear of not being believed and the distrust it brings in the world around you. How do we change it? If a genie granted one wish you'd better hope it falls to a woman who says - I want every man in the world to have to live a year in the body of a woman so they know what it's like.”
“Do you believe change is possible?”
“In my lifetime? Sadly no. Men abuse their power to such an extent that there's no real way to change the power dynamic. You'll forgive me when I say this but women don't help their own cause. Wait! Before you cancel me or call me a sexist here me out. My hope is one day they'll figure out that they're way more smarter than men. That by coming together and being unified they can bring about the changes that men will never grant to them. The government will one day make the mistake of allowing us to vote online and making voting compulsory. At that stage you might get a generation of girls who've figured out you can put forward female candidates for every seat in the House of Commons. They'll mobilise online support, get the majority of their candidates voted in and lock the boys and the men out from the decision making process. That's how it will change. I say girls to mean the next generation approaching the age of voting coming through not as a slight on women just to make that clear. The first we men will know about it is when we turn on the news. The problem is men want to play the part of the hero when the story doesn't need a hero. Maybe worse is they'll use the same narrative to settle other scores.”
“Give me an example.”
“Have you ever met a woman who says she feels safer when the men in her life demonstrate a violent side?”
“I can't say I have and I think that would be pretty easy to recall.”
“Right. So take the rioting in Ballymena. You've got men rioting, setting police vans and houses on fire apparently under the guise of protecting local women. Women who can't now go outside of their houses and walk down to the shops to get a pint of milk because the streets are in chaos. It's not about protecting women, it's simply an excuse to disguise racist attitudes towards ethnic minorities in the area. They're not rioting when other victims of sexual attacks are perpetrated by men that look like themselves. I'd be incredibly surprised if you found a single woman in Northern Ireland that could look you in the eyes and say they honestly felt more protected because their brothers, dads, boyfriends, uncles, male friends etc were out rioting with the police. In fact to validate the point you could find an abundance of posts online deliberately made to stir up racial hatred disguised as protecting women. None of which were from women saying please protect us from this perceived threat I hasten to add. No one calling for a white knight to save them. Under these posts you'd find people calling themselves patriots with avatars of knights fulfilling their grand delusions of being saviours. Little St Georges crosses or Union Jacks in their descriptions. They're attacking any woman brave enough to call out their racism and xenophobia who then get piled on with abuse after their comments by these seld proclaimed white knights. So here is the evidence that men aren't at all interested in actually ensuring a woman's safety because they're taking it in turns to verbally assault them. I mean if you were genuinely concerned you would listen would you not? It's not hard to ask every woman you know whether this type of violent reaction makes them feel safer. Do the men perpetrating the acts of violence in the supposed guise of their safety ask women they know what they think? No of course they don't because they don't really care until it happens to someone they know. Decent men would ensure the females they care about can get home safely as an example after a night out. The hypocrisy of it all is staggering. I'm sorry we seem to have gone really off the topic of writing.”
“No don't apologise it's an important topic.
Is there a final piece of advice you'd like to share on the subject?”
“It’s sad but true to say that sometimes it takes a man to say something for another man to listen. Women shouldn't have to rely on men to make the points they could make far more eloquently than I could and with first hand experience. A woman wants to be listened to. If she wants answers she'll Google it so please learn the difference. The second most important thing is to believe what you're being told. In nine times out of ten cases the person doing any type of abuse is someone that is known to the person. We tell our kids don't talk to strangers when statistically they're the safest option. Men don't like to think those who look and sound most like them are the ones most likely to be doing the damage. Ask a police officer how to spell peodophile and they'll tell you it's spelt D A D. That's not to say that there haven't been historic problems with groups of men from a different ethnicity grooming white children of both sexes. However it's a biological fact that white kids aren't born from two Asian parents. These kids that were abused were all in care. How did they end up in care in the first instance and therefore more susceptible to being groomed in the first place? Because of the failure of their white parents. So if you're genuinely concerned then ask why isn't more being done to protect these children from slipping into the care system in the first place. Your xenophobics and your racists are again just stirring up racial hatred under a different guise. You're not patriots. You're not standing up for your country. You bang on about the second World War and how soldiers would be turning in their graves. They might be but most likely at your behaviour. The British army fought in that war as they did the First and that meant troops from the entire British Empire fought. They don't teach you in this country how many Indians fought for the British as an example. Educate yourself and look it up. The levels of ignorance never ceases to amaze me. Go back to the largely protestant north of Ireland who proudly claim they're British. Had they lived in the 70s and 80s and come to work in one of the major UK cities they'd have found signs on the doors of digs that said No blacks, No Irish, No dogs and the Northern part of Northern Ireland wouldn't have meant diddly. You were simply Irish. No room at the Inn. If you walked into a pub and you opened your mouth people would have called you Paddy or Mick. Three types of people identify the British in current society; The Protestant Irish, the Upper classes with their old money made in the times of the British Empire and American Anglophiles obsessed with England but wrongly identify it as Britain.”
“Do you feel better for getting that off your chest in a public forum?”
“Honestly? No. We should be the ones listening as men and not the ones talking. Well if you're ever gracious enough to have back on your show I'll try stick to the topic of writing I promise.”
“We would love to have you back another time. Look it's important to remember everything you said comes from you admitting your own way of thinking was wrong and that you felt deeply ashamed correct?”
“That's correct.”
“Sometimes men have to be the advocates for women and for change. I think you and I both know if men had periods there'd be no tampon tax. Let's be really honest, if men were had the ovaries we know there wouldn't be 8.2 billion people in the world and there'd be much more room on public transport because men wouldn't be spreading those legs wide anymore they'd be firmly shut together. You might have to cancel any holidays or book signings you had in planned for Northern Ireland by the way and maybe watch out for knights calling themselves on patriots on social media but I'm sure a lot of women will buy your books and there will be men squirming in their seats right now next to their partners if they're female. You know if just one man changes their thoughts and behaviour then that's a starting point. We need to call out the behaviour of men we know and say that's not acceptable. Don't be changing channels folks we'll be right back after the break when my guest will be actor Rory Walton-Smith from the hit new BBC drama Mix Tape.”
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