A guide to making friends and influencing people

"Hey mum. Oh … you're back early. Where's Dad?"

"Well he's probably dead or still in the pub where I left him winding up the locals. Did your sister go down OK?"

"Yeahhhh she went out like a light, I dipped her dummy in gin."

"OK well I hope you didn't use the good stuff on her."

"Nope!"

"Good girl and thank you for doing that."

"That's OK. Should I ask what Dad was doing or saying?"

"Oh you know your Dad he can't help himself. This woman a couple of feet away was spouting on about halal meat and what did he say? Hmmmmm… oh yes. He tells her he's been listening to a podcast about that exact same thing. Let me see if I can do his voice… fascinating subject isn't it? Deeply concerning stuff…how was that for an impression?"

"Actually pretty good."

"Oh fantastic I'll carry on then. Long story short she thinks she's found an ally in him and he continues… the presenter said that people who are against halal meat generally fall into one of three categories. Oh really? She says. Yes but you'll forgive me I'll have to think about what those were. I'm already thinking this isn't going to end well, he's got her on the end of his moral fishing rod and is metaphorically wheeling her in."

"I think it's winding her in mum."

"Don't start otherwise you can go down and collect what's left of him."

"Sorry."

"So you should be. Try to be more like me and less like your Dad. Anyways he says to her can we see which category you fit into? and she's all yes let's do this and I'm edging further away with every word. Are you a vegetarian? No she says and shakes her head. Ahhh he says. Are you a vegan? No she says and shakes her head again. Ahhh he says and now I'm dreading the next line and looking to see if anyone is blocking the exit in case I have to run and he says ahhh so you're a racist then. Well the look on her face said it all. She's dumbfounded and momentarily speechless before she says categorically I'm not a racist to which he replies in lightning quick time, oh I do apologise do you prefer the term Islamophobic? I'm now halfway to the door and I'm thinking if he's got any sense he's going to abandon his drink and run after me but no he's not done."

"Oh of course not, typical Dad. What did he say next?"

"Oh he tells her that it's OK because all lambs are Muslims, only they shorten Allahu Akbar into bahhh because they're not blessed with a full vocabulary or something like that."

"Oh that's actually quite funny for Dad."

"Christ's sakes don't tell him that it'll only encourage him."

"What did the woman say after that?"

"Oh she said she'd never been so insulted in all her life."

"Oh God please tell me he didn't?"

"Oh of course he did. Straight out with the classic line - well I'm sure that's not true is it with a face as ugly as yours and an arse as fat as that to boot."

"Is that when you left him?"

"How did you guess?"

"Oh you know. What do you call it? Women's…"

"Intuition?"

"Yes, that's the one! Allahu Akbahhhh that's a good one Dad. Akbahhhhhh! I mean he's got a point you know calling the woman out if she’s moaning about it. Does seem absurd to me. What are the animals going to say if given a choice about how they die? Let me live! I don't want to die. Does she think they sing her dinner to sleep with a lullaby first before they killed it?"

"Right note to self no more daddy daughter time for the two of you. Mindddd youuuu… if he's dead that won't be a problem anyway. I need a drink. Do you want anything whilst I'm in the kitchen?"

"Coke would be good. Thanks Mum."

 

"There you go."

"Thanks mum. Did he say anything else that was comedy gold?"

"Actually… and don't tell him I said this either, but yes he did. We got accosted by these two young American gentlemen probably in their early 20s. Lovely polite boys, black shirts and like a camel, karki colour trouser on. Little name badges, something about a latter day church maybe? Anyways minor details aside they ask how we were? where we were going? general chit chat. Then they asked something about Jesus Christ and I'm already thinking oh Jesus Christ boys he's going to have a field day with you two."

"And did he?"

"Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

"Mum! Is he Catholic?"

"Who, the Pope? Of course he is silly."

"No, you said, does the Pope shit in the woods? How many glasses of wine have you had? It's is the Pope Catholic? Or does a bear shit in the woods?"

"Ohh yes quite. Silly me. Not enough by the way."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So what did Dad say?"

"Oh yes right sorry. Yes, what did he say? Erm something along the lines of… so tell me boys do you believe in God? And they say something like yes we do sir and he nods in approval. Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and saviour? They're nodding like your Dad is the second coming, like he's the UKs best preacher. Yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir. What did he say next? Something like - Tell me boys, does your faith give you a high? Do you feel like you could reach up and touch heaven when you think about God? At this point I half expected them to fall at his bloody feet and I'm thinking where are you going with this you bastard? I'm tempted to tell them to run but can't quite bring myself to do it because I'm desperate for the punchline. Have either of you boys ever had a beer? Oh here we go I'm thinking. No sir we're not allowed to drink alcohol sir. Have either of you taken drugs? Oh no sir Jesus Christ the Lord Saviour is our drug. Well then I'm guessing you've never done any actual drugs then boys? Oh no Sir. Have either of you made love to a woman? No sir, we believe God doesn't want us to have any carnal relationships with women before marriage. Well OK you are both kind of young. Have either of you boys had a girlfriend? Oh no Sir. Between me and you boys and I'll whisper it so the wife doesn't hear… have you ever had one off the wrist if you know what I mean? Well I'm guessing they knew what he meant because they both went beetroot. Neither answered so I'm assuming yes and to lie to God is a sin or something I dunno. Oh what did the silly sod say then? Erm…Oh,  have you boys at least been to a football match in a packed stadium? Oh no sir. I'm stood still waiting for the punchline. So he concludes for them both… Boys one day you're going to be my age. You'll have your own family, a beautiful loving wife, he looks at me, they look at me and smile, I smile back… You're going to have the sanctity and safety of the Church and you'll all be together waiting for Jesus Christ our Lord Saviour to rise again and save us. Amen Sir they tell him like a couple of parrots. Well boys a couple of years further down the line you're going to be thinking hmmmm where's Jesus? People have told me all my life he's a coming and he's never at arriving and I've been awfully patient. Then that feelings going to grow and you're going to ask that question more and more. Then at some point the penny is going to drop that it's all horse shit. I'm sorry to forewarn you both but you're going to feel really fucking cheated. Cheated that you didn't get to drop an E and lose your shit to some mind bending techno in a sweaty club in Berlin totally off your tits. Oh wait, you call it Molly in America don't you? My bad. You'll never have known what it's like to have ten pints inside you and feel part of a group ready to take on the world on a night out. Never know what it's like to have snorted coke off a woman's tits or her arse. That's cocaine by the way boys, not the bubbly sort. To never have found a girl who sticks a finger up your arse whilst she's sucking your cock and have to have that wee conversation in your head about whether you liked it that little bit too much and does it make you gay? Here's a clue, it doesn't, unless you secretly spend all your time in church thinking about each other's cocks which is fine if you two do that by the way because I'm not homophobic and you boys would make a lovely couple."

"Oh… my… God. What did you do? What did you say? Didn't you try to stop him?"

"Well I looked to the sky to try to stop myself from laughing and I bit my lip and that didn't help much. I did stop myself short of taking their photo. You should have seen their poor little faces, the poor bastards. Now if one of them had any sense they'd have told him they'd pray for his soul and in their hearts they'd find forgiveness for him but neither had a clue what to say. So the stupid idiot takes me by the hand, holds one of his nostrils with the other and makes a snorting sound and tells them it's better to find out the truth now boys. Next round is on me if you want a pint? Either of you? No? Oh well, you don't know what you're missing."

"Those poor boys."

"Yeah but he's right though. They've probably had that shit force fed to them since they were on their mothers tit."

"Mum!"

"What? You and your sister ruined mine and don't get me started on what you both did to my…"

"MUM NO!!!! You're worse than Dad. STOP!!! No more wine. BAD MUM! Go to bed!"