The admission

"You've got a phone full of numbers but no one you can call on."

"What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?"

"It means Mikey that it's time for you to grow the fuck up and sort your shit out. I've got two arses to wipe already, I haven't got time to be wiping my kid brothers arse everytime he fucks up as well."

"Fuck off Billy I'm not asking you to wipe my arse you…"

"Oi don't even think about finishing that sentence. Why don't you ever fucking listen?"

"Why don't you ever get off my fucking case?"

"Why don't you stop trying to palm the shit in your case onto other people? No one wants to wash your dirty linen Mikey least of all me but you're my brother and when every other fucker has pissed off and left you to get on with it, I'm stuck being related to you for life. Look, we've all got baggage, that's part of life, but if you took yours through terminal 5 at Heathrow the excess would bankrupt you."

"Alright bit fucking strong. I mean don't try sugarcoat it on my behalf."

"You need to wake up and smell the coffee son. I could be at home with the Missus and the kids but instead I'm sat here with you. Do you know what Catherine said when I said I was coming to meet you?"

"How's Mikey?"

"No. That's not what she said Mikey. She said what's that silly twat gone and done now?"

"What really? Cat swore?" 

"Yes Mikey, cat swore."

"Well fuck me."

"Don't fucking smile Mikey. You're still in her bad books after teaching Evie to say bollocks."

"Yeah I'm sorry about that. I mean to be fair I didn't exactly teach her to say it. It's not like I sat her down in her highchair and went can you say bollocks for Uncle Mikey?"

"No, that's a fair point but try saying that one to her and see how long you're still attached to yours for."

"Is she still saying it?"

"Thankfully for you no she's not. You've got to watch what you say around kids Mikey they're like fucking African Greys."

"What's an African grey?"

"Fuck me what did they teach you at school?"

"Well how the fuck am I supposed to know, anyway you're always fucking swearing."

"Yeah but not in front of the kids you pe-narse. Anyways what do you think a fucking African Grey is?"

"I dunno, erm, an elephant?"

"Fuck me. Are we actually biologically related or do you think one of us was adopted? Fucking hell. Or maybe mum dropped you on your head as a baby? I'd laugh if I thought for a single second you were joking."

"Alright so it's not an elephant. I mean to be fair elephants are grey and they come from Africa."

"Well yes Michael, granted, some elephants are grey and they do come from Africa but have you ever heard anyone say be careful what you say around kids cause they're like elephants?"

"Oh."

"Yeah oh."

"Elephants don't talk, do they?"

"Well only you Dumbo, only you."

"Rude."

"Really?"

"Alright my bad."

"So what are kids like?"

"Erm, sponges."

"OK, not the answer I was looking for but granted that is correct so I'm going to give you half a point."

"Sweet."

"Really?" 

"Sorry."

"Well try saying that to my Missus and actually meaning it and you might see your nieces again before they turn 16 and 18."

"Alright yeah point taken. Sorry Bill."

"Look I grew up with your stupid arse."

"Oh shit. Parrots!"

"Oh fuck me. Ding, Ding, Ding. What does he win Johnny?"

"Hah! I Love that film. Do you remember we'd sit and watch it on VHS on repeat?"

"Yeah happy times but you're still the kid on the sofa Mikey. What have you done this time anyway? I mean this is what I'm saying about having a phone full of numbers and no one to call. Every time you're in the shit you call me. You've got a contacts list of acquaintances who'll go for a pint with you and silly brasses stupid enough to fall for your chat up lines but you then run a mile from when they show any genuine interest in you. Which silly fuckers are left if you deleted all of them out of your contacts hey? Just me?"

"Well errr Cat's numbers in there."

"Oh good I'll get my coat then shall I? What do you want your money on? It going straight to voicemail or her proving you're the only person in life she adds a swear word as an adjective to when describing you?"

"Are swear words adjectives?"

"What the fuck are you asking me for you daft twat? How the fuck should I know?"

"Well you said it."

"Yeah I know I was there too when the words came out. I've not gone senile in the last five minutes. Look I'm not being funny but whatever it is, the reason I'm sat here and not at home, could you do me a favour and spit it out? As much as I love you, and I do still love you just for the record, you'll forgive me if I prefer having a cuddle with Evie and Molls over dancing around whatever it is you want to actually say without getting to the point."

"Pffffffffffft."

"OK, that's a long sigh. Triffic. Time is money son."

"Does err, does Molly still do the thing?"

"What the hey where's Uncle Myyyykeyyy like she's Brookyln born and raised?"

"Hah. Yeah that's the one. I always loved that one."

"Yeah me too, even Cat laughs at that one. Yes she does but stop changing the subject. If you're about to tell me you're gay then I promise you hand on heart I don't give a shit and if you've murdered someone then we'll find some pigs. Oh and if you've knocked some silly tart up then Lord help us all, cause children shouldn't be having children. Besides I'm fucking Hank so spit it out."

"Alright, alright. This ain't easy you know."

"Oh… shit. Sorry, yeah. This sounds serious. I'll erm shut up. Go on."

"I erm… I… I think I might be an alcoholic."

"Oh erm… err… well done."

"Well done? What's that supposed to mean? Are you congratulating me?"

"Yeah, but err… well probably not how you've just taken it. Look I don't know much about it but I do know the first point of tackling any problem is to admit that you've got a problem. So I meant what I said, well done. It's not easy admitting it so take it like it's meant, with no hidden meaning, just a well done. First step and all that you know?"

"Oh. Right. Thanks."

"That's alright. Have you got a heartfelt apology in you right now?"

"What for? Because I've been drinking too much?"

"No you dickhead so I can set another place at the dinner table and Molly can stop asking where's Uncle Mikey? Just make it sound genuine and for fucks sakes don't teach the kids any more swear words."

"Thanks Bill."

"That's alright. I love you, the kids love you. Even Cat loves you. She just doesn't love you when you teach one of them to say Bollocks."

"But I…"

"Yeah, yeah we covered that, you didn't sit her down and teach her to say it. Kids are like what?"

"Elephants?"

"Dick head. Come on, let's get in the car and go get something to eat. You got any money on you?"

"Why?"

"Cause you might want to buy Cat some flowers en route."

"Oh yeah that might work. Could you lend me a tenner?"

"Fuccccccck me Michael."