“I take your point but most things in life are really quite obvious when you really think about it. I mean not quantum physics…obviously. Although maybe that does make them obvious in a way.”
“Oh you're so kind for taking my point. No offence, by which to you specifically I mean every offence, but that's somewhat of a generalised sweeping statement don't you think? Are most things really that obvious? Would you care to offer up an example?”
“Ummmm … Social media profile photographs.”
“You might need to elaborate on that one a tiny bit more. And how old are you by the way calling profile pics, profile photographs, you old fart you!”
“Same age as you. I mean do please excuse one for speaking properly. Where was I? Oh I remember. OK, well as a good example every time you see two girls in a profile photograph, sorry, in a profile pic, one of whom is shall we say…how do I put this delicately? Oh bollocks, let's just say it like it is, one of whom is fat and the other one is slim and attractive, you'll know that the profile doesn't belong to the slim attractive one.”
There ensued a long silence, finally broken by a long sucking of air through teeth and a resignation that whilst you wouldn't want to agree to that observation for fear of being cancelled, maybe, just maybe he has a point. Then the submission.
“Fine, I'll give you that one. Now you've pointed it out, that is incredibly obvious.”
“Have you ever spoken to a flat earther?”
“Hang on, how did we get from examples about things that are obvious to flat earthers? To clarify though, no I can't say I have spoken to a flat earther. Have you?”
“It's so obvious I refuse to offer an explanation. But no, me neither. I'm desperate to know if you're a flat earther does that mean you're a flat mooner?”
“A what… ohhhhh a flat moon…er. Sorry bit slow on the uptake there. Christ you're right. How do you explain the moon away if you think the earth is flat?”
“Exactly. Because even if they were right, why would it be upright and not table flat? You'd need a bloody great ladder to get from the top to the bottom. Unless you had sideways gravity I guess."
“Do people really still think the earth is flat or are they trolling people looking for a reaction?”
“I've no idea. But there are some incredibly stupid people out there to be fair.”
“Americans.”
“Ah yes, the Americans. I mean not all of course.”
“Of course. Be rude to suggest otherwise. There's the likes of…erm. Shit… Steve Jobs!”
“He's dead.”
“Oh Christ yes you're right. Erm…”
“Whilst you think about that, have you ever considered that if there is a God, why on earth would they bless the United States of America? The place didn't even fucking exist as a construct until…July 4th…in…any ideas of the year?”
“Hang on let's Google it…1776. July 4th, 1776. Yep lot of shit happened everywhere else around the world prior to that point. If God was really that bothered he'd have given some sort of sign surely.”
“Well maybe he did. She did. Theyyyy did? Whoever. Just to the native Americans long before the white man came and fucked them all over.”
“Ahhhh good point.”
“Anyways religion is all bollocks don't you think? I mean fuck me it's got to be the greatest con ever bar none. We're led to believe that 2025 years ago, despite the earth being around for billions of years, having had dinosaurs roaming around, finally God goes - I'm sending you my son and I'd like him to be called the baby Jesus.”
“What would you say if it happened today?”
“Smells like bullshit to me.”
“If it smells like bullshit, looks like bullshit and it came out of a bulls arse, chances are…”
“It's bullshit.”
“Exactly! Then take these fucking morons who bang on about England being a Christian country, trying to have you believe that we're being invaded by people wanting to make it into an Islamic State. Firstly, no one goes to church in this country. Secondly just be honest and stop substituting the word Christian for what you really mean i.e. England's a racist country. A racist country that when it was actually a Christian nation went through the Arab world slaughtering people who didn't convert to their religion. So that's fucking hypocritical for a start. Then they moan about people coming over in boats. Some poor bastard fleeing persecution or because their homes have been flattened to bits by weapons sold by companies in the west. Sorry we've turned up here but you've right royally fucked our homeland. You know, maybe stop bombing the shit out of us and leave us be and we'll stop trying to come to somewhere safer on a boat. I mean fuck me the ignorance and arrogance of some people in this country astonishes me. These poor bastards, they've paid thousands to be smuggled over. Do people think they just went to the Arab equivalent of NatWest for a loan? Good morning Sir, what would you like a loan for today? Well I'd like to pay a smuggler thousands to take me to England. We'll Sir today is your lucky day. Loan approved.”
“It's rather hard to believe isn't it.”
“YES! It is rather. I feel I should apologise to the Americans when I think about our behaviour in some instances but then, wellll, they voted in Donald Trump again so bollocks to them.”
“Yeah that's a proper head fuck isn't it. Once was bad enough but twice… I mean come on!”
“MAGA - Make America Great Again. You were only previously great because the British gave up the fucking Empire as an IOU to fund the second world war. Your country was on its arse in a depression and suddenly all those factories lying idle were put to use making weapons and vehicles for us.”
“Oh. Is that true?”
“What the factories?”
“Yeah, well all of it.”
“Well to the best of my knowledge yes.”
“Every day is a school day as they say.”
“They do indeed. Maybe if people put their efforts into stopping weapons sales instead of shouting at refugees then maybe their countries wouldn't be flattened and less people would be given a reason to want to come to this shit hole. Christ you're not coming here for the weather are you? You're having to leave your friends and families, your home or what's left of all three, not knowing if you'll die in transit. You've given your last money to some bastard who cares very little if you make it across the sea. Personally I think if you can make it thousands of miles without being able to just get on an aeroplane that's the sort of person we need in this country. Perseverance. Kids these days here give up after the first attempt at something if they can't do it. We're breeding a nation of lazy little bastards. I mean imagine if it all went tits here and we had to go crawling eastwards looking for refuge. They'd be just throwing themselves off the white cliffs of Dover like lemmings.”
“People believe anything they're told. Shout at the people on the boats and point the finger of blame at them. Don't shout at the rich people who are the cause of real problems. No we'll ignore them. Imagine coming over on a boat. Must be like the Krypton Factor, Crystal Maze and Gladiators rolled into one."
“Yes! That'd be some TV show wouldn't it? I think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's a bit like Nazi Germany when they went - the Jewish run the world. Surely if you were German at that point you'd be looking at your Jewish neighbours going … I'm not sure that's right you know. Oi Ezra you secretly running the world pal? No? What about you Avi? No? No I didn't think so. Enjoy your day Gents. Auf wiedersehen. Did you know most European countries if not all of them banned Jews from trading goods?”
“Really?”
“I believe so. We did here. The only thing they could earn a living through was lending money.”
“Ohhhh so then I guess it's easy to spread a lie that they have all the money and therefore power but they've only got money because that's all they've been allowed to do. Wow!”
“I know right. There's irony for you right there. Sod your drawer full of spoons when all you want is a fork or a knife.”
“Sporks!”
“What the fucks a spork?”
“A spoon fork. Spork!”
“Well that clearly caught on then didn't it. Anyways don't interrupt me. Where was I?”
“Pretending to be Alanis Morisette I think.”
“Oh hah bloody hah. Funny fucker aren't ya? You should play at the Palladium!”
“Isn't that what the guy in the kebab shop said to you one night?”
“Yes he did well remembered smart arse. He didn't say he'd copyrighted it though OK? So shut your bloody mouth you git!”
“Be lucky to get a word in edgeways with you anyway.”
“Oi! Do you own a spork by the way?”
“Noooo. Christ no. What do you take me for?”
“Alright Mr Indignant sat over there. You were the one who brought it up.”
“True… true. You've forgotten what you were on about haven't you?”
“Yeah I might have done to be fair. You shouldn't interrupt a man in full flow. There should be laws against such things.”
“If you look online there's probably someone claiming that there is an Islamic law against interrupting people and you get your hands chopped off for it and a load of people going look at this rahhhhh!!!! Proper raging and losing their shit.”
“All over some make believe shit on both sides. They did a quiz. Actually quiz might be the wrong name for it. Let's call it a test. They took quotes from the Old Testament and from the Koran, read em all out and then asked people to identify which book they were from. All the gruesome ones were from the the Bible and all the jolly ones from the Koran. People fell for that hook, line and sinker.”
“Hah that's brilliant. Doesn't surprise me though. Here do you remember at school when they gave us random descriptions of wartime leaders with no identities and they made you choose which one you'd vote for?”
“Can't say that I do. Go on, enlighten me.”
“Hang on let me think. Let's say one was a vegetarian, non-smoker, who was kind to animals, enjoyed country walks and painting as hobbies. The other was an alcoholic, couldn't budget his money, had champagne for breakfast, smoked cigars and I don't know, had a poor history in battles. I think there was probably a third one too. Christ it was probably 25 years ago so you'll forgive me the finer details. Point being…”
“Point being you voted for Hitler.”
“Yeah. You got that then.”
“Well clearly because I've just said it and I'm not a child anymore. Mind you I probably did do it with you and I probably did vote for Hitler. Then again Churchill liked to paint as well from memory. I Didn't realise he was involved in the partition of Ireland until recently.”
“Was he?”
“No.”
“Oh but you just said…”
“Yes, yes I did. Then I gave you a sarcastic no.”
“Oh maybe work on your sarcasm delivery.”
“Reallllllyyyy?”
“Dick head. Much better though I got it that time loud and clear.”
“You're very welcome. Love you too.”
“Do you even remember what this conversation started about by the way?”
“Erm…. honestly? No. Can you?”
“Not a fucking scooby doo. We've done second world war leader descriptions and… Jewish banks in a roundabout way. No not banks. What would you call them? Financiers? Yeah financiers. Ummm…”
“Oh flat mooners and what did you call those things again?”
“What? The Sporks?”
“Ah yes the spork! Silly me. I mean instantly forgettable, clearly…”
“Alright you've made your point. Oh… England being a racist country!”
“Dumb Americans.”
“Cuddly toys!”
“What?”
“You know, like the Generation Game. On TV. With ummm Bruce Forsyth. The conveyor belt went past with stuff on and if you remembered it you'd win it and the audience would shout cuddly toy, cuddly toy going proper mad for it, presumably because Ecstacy tablets hadn't been invented back then so no one could get off their faces for a fiver.”
“We didn't discuss that.”
“Noooo… I meant. Oh never mind.”
“What goes up but never comes down?”
“Ohhhh I know this one. Erm, ummm… your age.”
“Oh bravo you're not as thick as you look. What's the only thing that continues to come down in price and yet earns trillions worldwide annually?”
“Oh. Is it obvious?”
“I expect so once you know the answer.”
“Ohhhhhh that's where we started.”
“Oh fuck me, yes you're quite right. Well done you. Drugs is the answer by the way. Did you know that drugs and prostitution are taken into account factoring how much the UK’s GDP is?”
“Firstly no I didn't. Secondly what's GDP when it's at home?”
“GDP - Gross Domestic Product dear boy. They say we don't manufacture anything in this country anymore so I guess therefore we need to take into account how much the economy profits from those sticking lines of marching power up their noses and those poor women forced to open their legs to keep the country's economy afloat. That's why they don't try too hard to shut down illegal brothels and the drug trade because it all counts on the bottom line.”
“What really?”
“Obviously not!”
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