What would Bert and Ernie say?

"Fffffffucking dog owners!"

"Oh hi Gina, sorry I'm late, you look amazing by the way. Oh do I? Thank you that's so kind of you to say."

"Yes! Yes I'm so sorry I'm late. Let's try that again shall we?"

"Well I'm not sure about the we part. I mean I was here on time l, as agreed and I came armed with smiles, hugs and kisses all lined up to give to you Jack. You brought me, no, wait, you cost me twenty two minutes of my life I'll never get back and then when you finally arrive, a sweeping generalisation about dog owners. I was secretly hoping being that British Jack that you knew how to sweep a girl off her feet."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Oh. You seemed to have gotten the British mixed up with Parisians. The British, well they're more the apologetic type. Sorry. See! Well, no, actually that's a lie. See the only people who identify as British are the Northern Irish who everyone in England would classify as being… well, Irish."

"Wait, say whhhat exactly?"

"The flag shaggers from Northern Ireland. You know the fat fuckers in bowler hats wearing orange sashes all marching in bands who all wish they could be as free as Freddie Mercury was back in the day with his sexuality. I want to break free, I want to breaaaakkk freeeee."

"Oh my gawd Jack if had a mouthful of drink you'd have been wearing it! So you're not British?"

"Well no, not really. Do we need to get onto politics and genderisation? Is that the right term?"

"Genderization?" 

"Yeah."

"Erm, no I don't think so. Isn't that boys in blue, girls in pink?"

"...fat Northern Irish men in orange all lining up to get out of the closet and stop being a flag shagger under the Union Jack and go full rainbow on the world. Yes Queens!"

"Jack! Did no one ever tell you to stop being so weird?"

"Ermmm no. No I don't think so. I mean pointing out the fact I am weird sure but not to stop."

"OK well now they have and what is a flag shagger when they're at home?"

"Say that again for me?"

"What? Flag shagger?"

"Oh my god I'm going to have you say that to all the boys, that is literally the best thing I ever heard. 

"F you Jack. F you!"

"Wowwww I feel like I'm on Sesame Street. Is Big Bird coming down? Bert and Ernie going to get out of bed and stop doing the horizontal mambo with each other? Ummmm gee Bert maybe it's ummm your turn to ummmm receive. Ahhhh I dunno Ernie y'know I kinda prefer to give."

"Woah you've been practising that Jack. You're such as ass."

"Ah typical bloody Yank."

"I'm not a Yank Jack…"

"Christ you Americans don't understand irony do you? Yes, Yanks are from New York it's why their baseball team is called the Yankees. I'm not an ass, I'm an arse or a pee narse if you'd prefer."

"A pee narse?"

"Oh my dear girl I never knew you were a member of the aristocracy, you say penis with a real plum in your mouth. You know what plums are here in England right?"

"Well I didn't until now! Stop teasing me."

"It's the national pastime. I can't help it."

"I thought that was soccer? Oh no wait I have to call it football otherwise you're all mortally offended right?"

"No, no, soccer is an English term. It's short for … association football… I think."

"How does that even begin to work?"

"Well teams of 11 males or females will face off against an opposing team made up of the same number and they kick a ball towards things called goals for 45 then they stop, have some orange segments and a cup of tea and then they go out and do it for another 45 minutes."

"I bet you think you're pretty funny don't you?"

"Wellll you know I was trying to keep it under wraps but I guess the secret is out now so feel free to laugh anytime you like."

"Well thank you Jack for your permission. If you ever say something funny I'll let you know. I'm not getting anything yet though so you'd better up your ante."

"Woah woah woah WOAH. No. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. I am not putting anything up my mums sister. No more Pornhub for you Gina. Christ alive as a nation you're obsessed with incest. Close your mouth Gina. Don't pretend to be shocked, you said it not me!"

"Whadisay?"

"Whadisay? Is that like a Japanese paste for fish?"

"I'm starting to prefer it when you were late I've got to be honest with you Jack."

"Because you were lying the rest of the time? Bit rude."

"Huh?"

"Well saying you've got to be honest implies does it not that the rest of the time you're not being honest, ergo you're lying and speaking of being rude you did tell me to go up my aunty. Poor old Aunty Jean, you'll have her choking on her rich tea."

"Rich tea? What like instead of poor tea?"

"No you doughnut, it's a biscuit."

"Like a cookie?"

"No… like a biscuit. Clue was in the answer: it's a biscuit. Cookies are what the Cookie Monster eats. Anyways. I digress. Hi Gina you look fantabulous by the way but you've got something on your face."

"Where, what is it?"

"Well I'm no expert but it looks like confusion. No wait I'm getting strong notes of annoyance with maybe hints of indignation. I'm going to say it's a Californian white. 92 or a 93 vintage. Full bodied obviously. Probably from the Napa Valley region."

"Jack I can't even right now."

"OK fair enough. I'm sorry. Fucking dog owners though, they let the little bastards bark at you walking past and don't tell them off to regulate their behaviour. Imagine their reaction if I taught my kids to tell dog owners to fuck off everytime they walked past and then just carried on like it was OK. Unbelievable."

"Jack I'm going to put you on a leash and train you."

"Oh hello!"

"Enough!"

"Sorry."

"Good! Just one thing, what is a flag shagger?"

"You're kidding right? You come from a nation of flag shaggers. You invented flag shagging. USA! USA!"

"Ohhhh like a patriots thing? And shagging that means…"

"Colloquially? Fucking Gina. It means fucking."

"Flag fuckers?"

"Such a potty mouth. What will Bert and Ernie say when they get here? Ohhh there's a little something on your face again…"