The thing about Granola as a breakfast choice is...

"OK this may well be an oddball question but tell me, what's the most random fact you know?"

She tilts her head to the left, her eyes raise up and flicker quickly from left to right, like she's mentally shifting through a carousel of random facts she's stored away just in case chances like this randomly present themselves for her to show off her encyclopaedic knowledge of the weird and strange. Her eyes stop flickering, her head straightens once more returning to centre, before she smirks at him in a confident and all knowing manner. 

"I will let you go first because I don't think you'll beat mine… In fact I'll go as far to suggest it's hands down unbeatable. If I go first you'll simply give up and not bother. If this was a game of poker I'm moving my chips all in. Sorry I'm being presumptuous here that you've actually got a random fact you want to share hence why you asked?”

"Damn I'm clearly an open book, yeah I've got one. It's proper random as well," and he nods his head involuntarily. Subconsciously at least he's backing up whatever's going on between his ears right now.

She lowers her glance and says "Maybe stop rubbing your hands together and just see how good your supposed winning hand is if you're so confident."

He edges forwards in his seat, leans in closer to her position opposite the table and stares intently into her eyes to try and calculate whether she's bluffing or not. Licking his lips as if he's the big bad wolf eyeing up dinner, he's decided she's definitely bluffing. She's got nothing up her sleeves. Not that her dress has sleeves…a minor detail that matters little to him for now. 

He coughs in a manner that demands attention but he thankfully stops short of standing up with a glass in one hand, knife in the other and bringing the pairing of inanimate objects together so that all eyes in the room fall upon him. 

"Right here goes nothing, cards on the table as you were. In 1881 …" he pauses for effect "there were only six men in Britain called Derek!" and with that he leans back in his chair looking somewhat triumphant and mightily pleased with himself and folds his arms across his chest. Some might even go as far to suggest the look on his face was one of utter smugness.

Without missing a heartbeat she counters with a vicious verbal suckerpunch from nowhere to leave him falling towards the canvass in glorious monochrome cinematic slow motion "Granola was invented by Kelloggs as an aid to stop people masturbating," and with that she scoops an imaginary pile of chips, still in slow motion of course, from the centre of the table in her direction. 

In her mind since she'd first discovered this fact she'd probably decided, and quite rightly too, that nothing was ever going to top its brilliance. I mean how could you top that? Well with milk or a soya substitute I guess but no need to be pedantic about these things. Just commit it to memory and wait for the right time to bring it out of your armoury and flaw some poor unsuspecting bugger off their chair. Maybe best to not try it on your geriatric Nana over the Christmas table mind you. 

Of course he hadn't fallen onto the floor, that was just metaphorically speaking and in case Hollywood wants to buy the rights to this year's newest blossoming romance and turn it into a movie on the big screen... or Netflix… or… Apple… Paramount… Dave…Quest… Five. One can't be too fussy you know. Do five still make and show any old shit? Probably. 

The look on his face is one of half confusion, half merriment both teetering on the brink going back and forth, busily jostling away waiting for one to fall into the abyss and the remainder to be declared the winner. Eventually a big smile spreads across his face and he lets go of the biggest belly laugh as if its being brewing for weeks, followed by a loud clap of the hands. 

"HAH! Is that shit for real?" He asks rather too loudly for his own good and ignoring his current surroundings.

"100%" she says cooly with a deadpan steely look on her face and at a greatly reduced volume. If she's just made it up on the spot then she's a great actor. 

"Wowwwww!” he says drawn out and still too loud again. “Does it say it on the small print on the side of the packets? Is that why it costs a fucking fortune because you'd have to be a wanker to buy it?" This is the catalyst that sets him off laughing at his own joke but he's now oblivious to the fact that her face hasn't changed, how she's not joining in this laughing and frolics. Of course he doesn't notice, after all his head is too busy rolling around as his current fit of hysterics continue. Finally the penny drops and realising he's the only one laughing his laughter dies down with a splutter like the sound of a car engine on its last legs about to run out of the fumes it's been coasting on having already burned through the actual fuel. Suddenly overcome by the onset of panic he scrambles for the right words to say. "Look, have I erm said something wrong to offend you? Christ you don't eat granola for breakfast do you I…" and with that she falls into hysterics and slaps the table for added effect making all the glasses and cutlery jump and clink back down on the table in a millisecond.

"I had you there. Remind me to play you at poker at some point I'll enjoy taking all your money…or your clothes," and she points at him just for added effect because, well, why wouldn't you? It's great when the jokes are on them and not on you and you're the one making it more importantly and firmly in control. 

Feeling the eyes of fellow diners now burning into him, not helped by the fact she's pointing at him which is somehow deflecting attention away from her own voracious laughing, he decides now is the time maybe for a little more decorum. He gently taps the palm of his left hand with the tips of his right fingers as if to say well played, well played indeed and he allows himself a little giggle and a shake of the head. “Bravo mademoiselle!” 

She half thought about getting up to perform a curtsy but picking up on his new found subtlety it had dawned on her pretty quickly that an equal amount of eyes were still throwing daggers her way despite her pointing finger for her part in the brief furore that had just passed. 

Didn't they know this is a restaurant where families and couples all come to ignore each other and stare at their phones in complete silence? That is of course only after they've all taken photographs of their meals first and posted them to their social media accounts. I mean these two people have such gall and cheek to be firstly talking to each other, but secondly having fun. It's just not cricket you know. Someone should teach them about modern dining etiquette. 

At that very moment going through both their heads unbeknownst to the other was the same thought, namely ‘this date is going so much better than the last one I had.’ 

Having found his composure once more he tells her "You know I'd ask you for the second best random fact you have but I have suddenly developed this irrational fear that you might put me off all breakfast cereals for life. I'm just glad you said Granola and not Cornflakes. I take it that it is the same Kellogg's you're talking about?"

"Oh no actually this was a little known family from about two miles south of Huddersfield who went out of business after they got sued for trademark infringement and breach of copyright," she replies straight faced. 

This time he works out the ruse much quicker to his credit and his laugh spills as air from his nose as he clamps his lips together so as not to further upset the miserable bastards surrounding them both. She smiles, tells him he's a "fast learner," with a nod of approval thrown in for good measure.