Obviously is not a punctuation mark

"Obviously is not a punctuation mark.""

"I don't think I understand what you mean?"

"You keep saying obviously when…" She stops herself short of finishing her sentence and applies the emergency 'this is going to be utterly futile if I carry on' handbrake so best to conserve your energy. She inhales deeply through her nose and slowly exhales through pursed rounded lips which makes her look like she’s blowing out the candles on her birthday cake in slow motion and that maybe she’s giving a lot of thought to what she wants for her birthday wish. I mean the wish was obvious, it was for him to stop saying the word obviously in every other sentence which is now for want of a better word, ironic in itself. 

"Go on, say what you really mean," he instructs her. He'd have been better off sticking his middle finger up at her instead, it might have proven to be less inflammatory. Had her therapist been present she'd have told her to continue with the breathing like they'd practised time and time again and merely let the moment wash over her and then pass away without any adverse reactions. A couple more nice deep breaths in through the nose and slowly out the mouth and just remain in a nice zen-like state of calm… 

"Oh do fuck off you patronising little twat." The look on his face confirms he certainly wasn't expecting that. Silly boy didn't remember his lessons from school about what happens to people who hold fireworks, light them and then don't let go. This type of rocket had a notoriously short fuse and was about to go off fully bang. 

"You're butchering the English language. You don't want anyone listening to cotton onto the fact you've got nothing in between those big ears of yours! Instead of saying erm like people used to do, you're part of a generation conditioned to use obviously in its place like you're cleverly disguising the fact that you don't know what to say next. You're like Inspector Clueso in the Pink Panther movies."  She holds up an open napkin to her face like she's wearing a Middle Eastern veil and lets it drop and says in a mocking French accent "it is I Clueso, I am a master of disguise!" 

This time his face starts to clamp up. The eyebrows come down, the lips purse and the combined force of the two actions causes his nostrils to flare outwards. I don't think he knows who Clueso is. He starts to lift his head and releasing the tension in his face starts to open his mouth to speak. 

"No, no, no, no, no, NO… NO!" There's a real danger she's about to go full Sexy Beast 'Not this not fucking time, no fucking way…'

"I'm talking so you shut your mouth and listen and you never know you might just learn something useful from it. Where you come from they probably say it as 'don't state the bleeding obvious' which is to say if it is that obvious a statement that everyone will know what you're about to say, then save your breath and don't say it. Therefore using the word obviously should denote to yourself that whatever you're about to say is pointless which based upon your conversational skills so far means you should have said the sum total of fuck and all. It's an affliction, a disease carried over from one idiot to the next. We might as well call it Covid 24, it seems to be spreading that easily. Still it could be worse, I guess you could be one of those hatchet jobs who finishes their sentences with the words 'do you know what I mean?' Instead of using a full stop. Nooo I lie it's more.." and she adopts a pitch perfect Essex accent to accentuate her point "dja no wot I meeeeen?"

He raises the index finger on his right hand as if now asking permission to ask a question. She waves hers back at him from side to side. Permission denied. 

"What's worse than that?" She asks. It was clearly meant as a rhetorical question as she quickly tells him her opinion. "Using 'like' as a full stop. There are men and women who can construct a sentence without saying anything at all. 'Well, like, you know like, yeah, so like…" 

If he was braver he'd compliment her on her accents. She's a very good mimic. He can feel a chuckle suddenly coming on but he bangs his chest with the palm of his hand to knock it back down and coughs rather unconvincingly. 

"I mean Christ almighty. If you've nothing to say then say nothing. Silence is golden. I mean why … like? Is it a social media thing? Is it actually an instruction like it's a Facebook post. If you like what I just said then hittttt… Likkkeeee," she ends the sentence sounding like a Saturday night game show host. "It's like…oh for fucks sake I'm at it now. It's… akin. Yes it's akin to those YouTubers who begin each video with ‘don't forget to click like and subscribe below.’ How about trying to say something remotely interesting that might actually pique my interest first and then say ‘if you liked that maybe you could give the thumbs up a little click and if you'd like more content like this video then hìt the subscribe button.’ Then maybe I might just feel compelled to do it out of pure English politeness if nothing else."

"HAH!" the sound escapes from his mouth. He’s desperately moved his hand up to his mouth as if to try and catch it but he was too late. 

"Sorry," he says suddenly looking very sheepishly. "It's just… never mind,” and shakes his head. 

"Well thank you very much Curt Cobain for that brief interlude. That's probably the most interesting thing you've said so far."

Jesus her brain works at warp speed he thought to himself. How did she go from Never mind to Curt Cobain in the fraction of a second? If she was a heavyweight boxer she'd have turned your lights out with the suckerpunch you never saw being telegraphed. A couple of minutes ago she'd scared the living daylights out of him so why was he now warming to her? Maybe she's a snake charmer like you see in the old movies which would never be made now for being so culturally insensitive. 

"Of course some might say that swearing is just as bad. But swearing helps to emphasise the fucking point when used correctly. I mean all Englishmen are obsessed with shitting and fucking, it's the new national pass time; Shit the bed, you're shitting me, her face looked like I'd just taken a shit in her handbag… fuck me, fucking hell, fucks sakes, fuck a duck. Shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit. I need another fucking drink," and she raises her empty glass and shakes it in her hand to draw attention. "Waiter, if you'd be so kind?" 

How we got here;

https://foreverworkinprogress.blogspot.com/2024/10/an-existential-first-date.html