Houdini's Beekeeper

“So then Lisa, tell me about your family.”
“OK sure, what would you like to know exactly?”
“How about we start with your parents, what do they do?”
“Well, one is a KC and one volunteers.”
“Oh OK. A KC? That's like a super barrister or something right?”
Lisa smiles. “Yes, well, something like that.”
“I assume that's your mother?”
Lisa looks back quizzically. “Why would you say that?”
“Well you didn't say which one did which so I'm guessing you're testing me. So… tell me where does your father volunteer?”
“Tres bien. I am impressed. Well … Daddy offers his services wherever they're needed.”

Fred tries not to look too pleased with himself. He can't see the look on his face but he does fail rather spectacularly. 

“Well good for him. Are they still together?”
“Oh yes very much so. They are incredibly happy together.”
“Have you ever asked them the secret to their happiness?”
“No, actually I can't say I've ever thought to ask. If I was to offer a guess I'd say it's because Daddy is a peacekeeper and the best escape artist since Harry Houdini.”
“Huhhh,” Fred replies before tapping his fingers nails against his wine glass, partly to help him think and partly to disguise the fact he was thinking. “Is this, err the part where I'm supposed to ask if your Daddy was the man in The Clash record?”
“The Clash?” Lisa asks, this time with what Fred assumes to be her best poker face on.
Fred taps the glass again, this time quicker than before. “Yeahhhh, you know exactly what I mean. Harry Houdini, he's the old time escape artist. I'm not as daft as I look you know. I'm supposed to think your daddy was a bank robber but he never hurt nobody. Got caught and she got him off. No. Maybe he didn't get off, went jail and he escaped but they still fell in love. Oh no wait. That would be a great story wouldn't it but I don't suppose they don't let you be a Super Barrister if you're married to a bank robber who escapes from prison.”

Lisa chuckles to herself.

“Oh you thought that was funny? Well I'm glad I can amuse you. Was that what you were hoping I was going to say?”
“Genuinely?”
“Yeah of course. You can tell me I'm a big boy.”
“Actually not at all but I'll tell Daddy that will amuse him immensely.”

Fred lets out a laugh in quick bursts of air like a man who's just tripped on his untied shoelaces and the compression on his chest as he stumbles forward forced them out of him.

“It's a…” he says drawing out the a to more of an ayyyyy whilst he tries to connect the dots. He stops, then restarts “It's OK I can laugh at myself. I've said far stupider things in my time,” he adds finally finishing his sentence.

“Well in fairness to you I think we're all guilty as charged on that account.”
“That's good to know. Besides you've got a KC in the family to get you off if you say something really stupid.”

Fred notices a slight chink in her armor as her smile radiates a genuine warmth. 

“Oh my, well I know why I’m not a KC because I've totally forgotten my original question and my train of thought. I imagine that's not great in prosecuting. Oh no. Wait. No… no… no... Oh yes. I asked you what the secret to a happy marriage was and you said … Harry Houdini and…”
“Maybe tapping the glass will help you remember?”
“Sorry, what now?”
“You have a habit of tapping your glass with your fingernails. It's a system of memory recall.”
“What now?” Fred looks at her genuinely puzzled like a dog that's just had air blown into its face.
“Oh, you genuinely weren't aware of that were you? Fair enough I'll let you off. Sorry I've interrupted your train of thought.”
“No, no wait. Back up one step. Explain that last bit to me please?”
“Oh it's quite simple. If you need to remember something you perform a corresponding action that will act as a trigger for memory recall. So I don't know, let's say you're the type of person who is always forgetting what you got up to get when you walk from one room to another. Let's say your keys. You'd think of what you want to remember and you click your fingers each time you say it. And therefore if you forget…”
“You click your fingers and keys pops into your head. Well I never. Oh well done you.”
“Well I'm not claiming it was a concept that I came up with.”
“Ah yes. Good point. Maybe if I didn't have the lyrics to The Clash song on a loop in my head I'd remember. Don't tell me it'll come to me.”

Fred taps the tune to the song on his glass. 

“You're not thinking at all are you? You just want the song stuck in my head. Oh very clever. Go on, what did I say Daddy was?”
“A beekeeper!”

Lisa let out a loud roar of laughter which her hands shot up to catch but they were too late to do so. 

Fred sits looking very pleased with himself. “I'm not sure you'll make the cricket team with catching ability like that you know. I think that laugh went all the way to the boundary.”

“Oh god you and Daddy will get along famously with cricketing analogies. You absolute rotter. You did that on purpose.”

“Hang on, let me call me lawyer.” Fred reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket, fishes out his phone and pins it to his ear. “Yeah… uh huh… yeah. OK thank you,” he adds and puts the phone back in the pocket. “That was my lawyer. She says to deny all liability and plead not guilty to the charge.”
“Ohhh did she now? Well OK. You're an idiot by the way.”

There's that smile again Fred thinks to himself.  

“OK you got me. Guilty as charged on that one. Right so your father he's a peace-keeper and he's like a modern day Harry Houdini and that's the secret to a happy marriage. I am so intrigued. I am all ears, please do explain.”
“OK this is a closely guarded secret. You must promise me on pain of death that you'll never tell anyone, especially not Mummy Bear KC.”
“OK.”
“No Freddie, you have to swear to keep it a secret.”
“OK I swear.”
“No Frederick. This is deadly serious so repeat after me. I Frederick.”
“It's actually just Fred… no… OK I'm not arguing with that look you're giving me right now so, I Frederick.
“Good boy. Do solemnly swear.”
“Do solemnly swear.”
“To never ever speak this truth.”

Fred chortles. 

“No chortling Frederick. I mean it, you cannot say anything.”
“OK I'm sorry. To never ever speak this truth.”
“To anyone.”
“To anyone.”
“Especially not to Mummy Bear KC.”

Fred bites his lip to stop himself laughing again and exhales slowly to regain his composure and get his mind focused back in the game. “I Frederick, do solemnly swear that on pain of death that I shall never reveal to anyone ever, especially not to,” Fred places his clenched fist in front of his mouth and clears his throat before continuing “...Mummy Bear… K…C,” with an additional regal emphasis given to the two initials. 

“I mean it!”
“So did I. Do you want me to write it on a napkin?”
“Hmmmm poss-ib-ly. No I mean it though you mustn't ever tell her.”
“Oh I'm dying to know now. This had better be good. Hand on heart. My lips are sealed,” and he does the zipper motion across the mouth and keeps them sealed firmly tight and doesn't reopen them just for additional effect.
“OK right here goes and I am trusting you because she would be devastated to find this out. Everyone thinks she's the smart one because she's the KC but Daddy is the smart one. Now if you're married to one one of the countries finest legal minds you'll know there is no point in arguing because she'll tie you in knots and there will only be one winner so instead Daddy plays the game for an easy life. He's the absolute master of it. Because of her work she gets invited to all the swankiest places in London for black tie events which Daddy absolutely detests with a passion. However he always goes, never makes any fuss beforehand and here's the clever part and why they're still happily married. You can open your lips by the way Freddy, you look frightfully silly sat like that.”
“Oops sorry. Please carry on.”
“Are you familiar with Dartmouth House in Mayfair?”
“Erm? No. Sorry.”“

Maybe one one six Pall Mall?”

“One one six Pall Mall? No, what's that like a club?”
“No silly, it's the address.”
“Oh so like one hundred and sixteen Pall Mall?”
“Yes Freddy but it's Pall Mall so you would say one one six because it's not like the square on a Monopoly board. We're talking about a seriously grand property here and with Dartmouth House and other establishments all of which Daddy hates having to go to.”
“But he goes to keep the peace? That's why he's a peacekeeper. Ahhh got it now. So how does he survive them? Ohhh…”
“Don't spoil it Freddy. So they rock up and he plays the part of the perfect husband. He always finds her a glass of champagne because it loosens her tongue and you're in this vast building full of people who are paid serious sums of money to talk for a living. Daddy will make an excuse to go talk to all the right faces and move about as many rooms as he can in a quick and methodical manner. He's shaking hands with the gentleman, kissing the women on the cheeks, greeting them like long lost friends. He's got a memory like an elephant, never forgets a detail. If you play golf he'll know the course and what your handicap is. If you've got children in university he'll know their names, where they're studying and what subjects. He has these succession of brief conversations and whilst he's doing it he's raising his hand to wave hello to someone across the room, he'll give a little tap on the shoulder to someone else walking past, another handshake here and there and he's going from room to room repeating the pattern. Then he'll find Mummy Bear KC handing her another glass of champagne, let's her know he's still there and let's her continue on with her conversation and then 45 minutes to an hour into the evening he simply slips out into the night without anyone being any the wiser. Slips the staff on the door £20 for good measure and wanders off. Now at any point she wonders where he's got to and she starts asking around no one will have paid any attention to time because they all love the sound of their own voices but Daddy has put the groundwork in. Oh I saw him in the room next door talking to so and so. Same thing with that next person, oh he went to talk to so and so. Then she'll get asked a pertinent question, forget that she was looking for him and carry on oblivious to the fact he's no longer in the venue. A couple of hours later he reappears, she's still none the wiser. The evening starts to roll down to its natural conclusion and they leave happily together. He'll give her a twenty minute lowdown in the car on the way back of educational updates of other people's children and a few other details to make her think he's done an awful lot of listening and no wonder she couldn't find him when she went looking. She'd naturally be devastated if she ever found out.”
“Wait, so how do you know all this?”
“Ah yes, well we all have our little secrets. They have a little pad in London which Mummy uses if she's in the High Court, saves her travelling to and from the country every day. It just so happens that I have a spare key for it and one night I'm having a little soirée and in walks daddy and we both got found out and naturally having been brought up on a diet of client-attorney privilege I managed to persuade him that naturally it was in both our interests not to say anything about what either of us were up to.”
“Well I never. So the secret to a happy marriage is not moaning, slipping the wife a glass of champagne and then vanishing into the night and re-appearing like you'd never ever left.”
“Welll Freddy maybe there's a little more to it than just that.”

Fred sat back in his chair, his lips shut once more as his shoulders started to shake as air burst from his nose in fits and starts as he silently chortled to himself at the absurdity of the tale. He picks up his glass and proposes a toast “To your parents,” to which Lisa raises her glass, clinks it against his in return. 

“Cheers.”
“Lisa?”
“Yes Freddy?”
“Promise me something?”
“Oh now then Freddy it depends what that is?”
“Oh nothing grandiose. Only that if you feel like slipping out on our date that you tell me and don't leave me sat here like a wally because I don't think you'd be able to pull off the same trick as the old man.”

Lisa's eyes dart up and she moves her head from side to side in contemplation. 

“Freddy, you may have a valid point. OK I promise.”

The question is now that Fred is in on the families biggest of secrets, is he in line for a second date or will she break her promise before the night is over and slip out the back entrance and into the night?