Jane turned her head to the left just in time to watch the giant spray of water decamp from her husband's mouth. It partly struck the dining room table in a fine mist, before the bulk of the mouthful he'd just attempted to swallow spilled clumsily out of his mouth cascading down over his chin, soaking first his T-shirt and then a large section of his lap. Appearing to be incontinent is not a fashion statement anyone wants to be making. A few spots had also forcefully escaped upwards and then out down through the nose causing him to partially choke and then get caught up in a coughing fit just to add to his ever growing sense of annoyance. He'd failed miserably at every attempt to stop the flow of water with his hands and so now finally back in control he was sat, wet, just desperately trying to regain some sense of composure but frankly he was failing miserably at it and he felt his cheeks begin to flush. Even with all that water around it could do little to stop the burning sensation now radiating from his cheeks. Whether it was from embarrassment or anger it wasn't clear at this stage, maybe a combination of both. Out of the mouth of babes, Psalm 8:2 although in this instance the question that led to the explosion if water wouldn't have been found in the pages of the bible as eldest daughter Niamh, aged 16, and no longer a babe herself, had calmly asked him the question "Did you know that Great Nanny Lou was a lesbian before she met Great Grandad?" Clearly Adam hadn't been expecting that to have been the question she was going to ask him judging by his volatile projectile laden reaction. Maybe in his past life he was a statue in a water feature.
Jane struggled to hide her amusement as the scene continued to unfold in front of her eyes despite her best efforts. First she tried to bite her top lip to stifle her laugh, then as the urge grew she covered her mouth with both her hands desperately trying to hold back the laughter that was trying to erupt from inside her body like a newly awoken volcano. Now finding it near impossible to regain any sense of composure, dignity, sensitivity to the situation, label it what you want at this juncture, maybe just call a spade a spade, she simply just gave in. Unable to stand it anymore she burst out laughing, erupting in an uncontrollable manner. Her hands that had failed to stop the tide of laughter escaping from her mouth had now shot back down and she instead used them both to grip her sides as the pain in her ribs became too much for her to bear and tears started to flow down her cheeks. Now both parents had been leaking water at a rate of knots albeit in very different ways, so much for setting a good example to your kids. Adam glared first at his wife, maybe wondering if this could be cited in a court of law as just cause for divorce, then at the original source of the ensuing carnage in Niamh, wondering in turn if she was too old to be put up for adoption.
Curious as to what all the commotion was emanating from the dining room the two youngest of the tribe Freddie aged 12 and Edy aged 8 had both come out from their respective hiding places in the house and now stood by the dining table with shared looks of bemusement on their faces. Freddie pipes up first “Mum what's so funny and why does Dad look so angry?” His emphasis falls on the word angry and it's long and drawn out. His question it transpires isn't helping matters. If it's at all possible Adams cheeks have gone up by another shade of red.
Edy goes to say something but instead catches a case of the giggles herself and quickly moves her hands over her mouth to stop them escaping but fails equally as badly as Jane had done less than sixty seconds previously. Clearly they are both two peas in a pod, no need to ask where she gets it from. Neither were helping quell Adam's mood at this point as he got up from his seat and walked to grab the kitchen roll to at least try to dry himself out. He chose not to look behind him as the howling laughter continued unabated. “You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family,” he mutters to himself under his breath. He might as well have said it out loud for the cacophony of noise behind him because even then no one in the room would have heard it. Had they done one of them might have corrected him on the fact it's enemies and not family. It wouldn't have helped the situation though or his mood so it was probably just for the best.
Laughing as we all know is infectious like an airborne pathogen and Freddie soon made it three against one on the highly amused to really not amused at all scale as he to starts to laugh but equally as unsure as Edy as to why or what they're laughing at in particular. That just left one party in the room remaining and Niamh clearly taking more after her father than her mother at this junction wasn't seeing the funny side either, however for her it was at least with less anger and wet clothing on her part and besides it was meant as a serious question. She hadn't asked it to anger her dad or to cause all the laughter and merriment that now filled the air.
Edy ran to her mother's side and promptly jumped up on her lap and Jane instantly took full advantage and tried to hide her head behind Edy’s in case Adam turned and glared back at her. In her mind Jane desperately tried to remember what they'd taught her in her antenatal classes all those years ago about breathing through the pain but it was to little avail. Rather sensibly she pats Edy's bottom to shift her so she could get up and putting an arm first around Edy and then the other around Freddie, she escorts them out of the room to go and try to compose themselves and not make the situation worse than they'd already managed to do.
Adam finally sits back down and opens his mouth to say something to Niamh but she cuts him off before he has the chance to say the first word. “I'm sorry Dad I wasn't trying to be funny. I was genuinely interested,” she tells him with more than a hint of exasperation in her voice at the scene that had just unfolded.
This clearly catches him off guard. Whatever he was about to say he stops and takes time to reflect before he opens his mouth again. “Niamh, where on earth did you get that idea from?”
“From those old cassette tapes of Great Grandad you did years ago when you were asking him questions about Great Nanny Lou and how they met and he said for him it was love at first sight but that Nanny Lou was obsessed with fanny and that she didn't want anything to do with him whilst the war was on.”
Niamh watched her dad's face as the anger dissipated in record speed. Like a case of the sudden hiccups a laugh grew from his belly and escaped out of his mouth. First one, then quickly another and another and then too he was laughing uncontrollably and Niamh was the only one still not caught up in the contagion of all the laughing. Instead she sported a look of indignation and folded her arms in protest. Adam tried to apologise and stop his laughing. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he tries to tell her but with each attempt to apologise it was punctuated in between by more laughter and a raise of the hand as if pleading for more time. If he could just stop laughing he'd explain the mixup but he can't quite do it yet. Eventually like all good teenagers up and down the country Niamh loses her patience and storms out of the room, stomps up the stairs and two sounds can then be clearly heard, the first the slamming of her bedroom door, the second of her stereo being cranked up to drown out the noise of a house of hyenas that had suddenly landed on the doorstep replacing that of her actual biological family.
Laughter when it comes to that degree is like an earthquake. You get the first hit and everything shakes, from the foundations and up through its core. Just when you think everything is back under control then come the aftershocks. It's still as funny but you stand a better chance at finally gaining some degree of composure and then finally they'll stop. Everything is hurting by this point, especially the ribs and the cheeks. Eyes have been dried on sleeves where tears have rolled uncontrollably down skin of all ages, none more adept than the last at preventing gravity's pull on them.
Finally after what felt like an eternity calm descends over the family home. Well all apart from in one room where the blisteringly fast drum solo from Dave Grohl was being launched from a teenagers stereo. At least Adam now knew where his beloved Nirvana CD had vanished too.
Adam now on his own in the living room crouches down and opens the door of a thigh high tall wooden cabinet, the inside of which is packed with an array of goods you'd expect to find at a jumble sale, half of which deposit themselves in a landslide onto his feet. “Oh for fucks sakes,” he mutters under his breath and spins round quickly to double check Edy wasn't in ear shot. He'd learned the hard way with her that he really had to be more careful with what he said after her standard reply to everything had become “bollocks!” after hearing him say it one too many times in her presence, clearly having not taken into account kids are like sponges and also parrots. He knew he only had himself to blame on that score. Lifting board games up he's desperately trying to find an old family photo album that had belonged to his great grandparents. He makes a mental note that the Monopoly set has to go. No good ever became of a family game of Monopoly. Adam lets out a triumphant “YES!” as he lays his hands on what he was looking for. That's quickly followed by a “Bollocks,” as he yanks it out and more junk falls onto the floor. He decides to leave it to Jane to sort as penance for her laughing. In his mind however he knows it's an argument he won't win and he'll be the one putting it all back again soon enough.
He clutches the album to his chest as if receiving a warm hug through time from the precious family memories that it holds as its treasure inside. It's been a long time since the contents saw the light of day but Adam knows they'll provide the answer he needs to give and also context for an added confession of his own. He makes his way up the stairs and stands outside the door of Niamh's bedroom where Kurt Cobain is delivering irony from beyond the grave as he sings ‘I think she wants some water, to put out the blow torch.’ Adam allows himself a wry smile as he thinks to himself I could have helped Polly with that one before he knocks on the door. “Go away,” comes her lightning quick reply from the other side.
“I've got something I need to show you, it's important.”
Adam wasn't sure if the draft that suddenly brushed over his feet was from her sigh escaping under the bottom of her door or just a coincidence. He waits patiently now feeling like an extra in one of the Guinness TV adverts. Tick follows tock… Maybe she was waiting to see if she could hear footsteps retreating on the landing and upon hearing none decides to get it over and done with. She turns the stereo off and twists the handle on her door to the left and the weight of it helps it swing open as if by magic and she plonks herself down on the edge of her bed. Adam walks over to her and kisses his firstborn child on the head. “I'm sorry for laughing kiddo and I'm sorry for getting angry.”
She doesn't reply.
“I take it you didn't listen to all of that cassette tape?”
She looks back at him tilting her head like a confused golden Labrador. Again no words.
“I didn't realise the tape player still worked on that thing,” he tells her pointing to the Hi-Fi system sat on top of her Chester Drawers. Her reply is to shrug her shoulders nonchalantly as if to say well I guess it does after all.
This is going well, he thinks to himself. Keep trying Adam.
“Anything apart from my Nirvana CD and old cassette tapes you've stolen that you'd like to own up too?” The expression on her faces changes. Her mind now working overtime on how to butter the old man up.
“What's that in your hand,” she asks. If this was a game of chess then she's not quite opened with the Queen's Gambit, however she has the advantage all daughters have of adding the dy to the end of Dad if the need arises, always kept in reserve under glass labelled break in an emergency. The princess gambit = game over.
Adam hands over the album to her. “That is your Great Nanny Lou’s prized photo album. Before TV became popular she would crack open the photo albums and tell us all stories we'd heard a hundred times before and we could recite word for word but had to pretend we'd never heard before otherwise we got sent to bed when we went to visit.” Niamh allows herself to smile as she pictures the scene in her mind.
She cracks open the album, the spine gives a noise akin to that of a human’s spine which has seen better days, a tell-tale sign of its age. Inside old black and white photographs of groups of people all handily captioned underneath. She's not sure who she's looking at as she studies the faces of a row of young looking women standing resplendent in nurses uniforms. It feels like the first iteration of the Where's Wally books. “Have you spotted Nanny Lou yet?”
Now having had the rules of the game explained to her, Niamh’s eyes quickly scan the photo again with her finger hovering over each face in turn before she plonks it down excitedly on the body attached to a face she recognises but of a much younger version of the one found in the photos she grew up seeing displayed around the family home. She looks to her Dad and smiles and he smiles back as he nods to say that's correct, well done.
“Now read the caption.”
“First Aid Nursing Yeomanry, 1942. What does that mean Dad?”
“That's the Unit Nanny Lou served in during the second World War.”
Niamh nods her head as if suitably impressed.
“Now read the caption again but only the first letter of each word aloud.”
Niamh gives him the confused golden Labrador look again.
“Just do it, it'll make sense when you do.”
She puffs out her cheeks and exhales but stops short of rolling her eyes.
Guiding her finger over the black handwritten ink she reads aloud, slowly at first “F A N Y.” Then repeats it aloud faster this time “F A N Y,” and again “FANY,” and then the penny clearly drops “Oh…my…God… FANY!” Now it's her turn for her cheeks to start to burn.
“Yep! That's what your Nanny Lou was obsessed with.”
Niamh sat on the bed hoping by some minor miracle that the room would magically cave in and collapse taking them both crashing down to their deaths and save her from the embarrassment she was now feeling.
Adam puts his arm around her and gives her a squeeze. “It's been years since I heard that tape last. You might want to play the whole thing.”
“Why?” She asks.
Adam now starts to blush. “Well let's just say that you're not the only one who might have gotten confused by your Great Grandad talking about F A N Y.” He doesn't say the word, just spells the letters with a pause between each one to save them both from further embarrassment. I say both, probably more his own embarrassment in fairness.
Niamh jumps up off the bed and darts over to her stereo and switches it back on. Flicks the button to switch the player from CD onto cassette mode, hits rewind and lets it go a few seconds, before hitting stop and finally play. There over the sound of crackling the voice of her father, then still a young boy himself, is heard talking to her Great Grandad, a man she never got to know in her lifetime. She looks at her Dad who's now got his eyes closed as if he's being transported back in time to that very moment. His face however cringes when he hears the voice of his younger self back for the first time. He asks the question of how they first met and his Grandad begins to tell the tale. “Oh my dear boy it was love at first sight for me. Your grandmother was an incredibly beautiful young woman. The first time I saw her I don't mind admitting my heart started beating faster and faster and the old knees went a bit wobbly and started to knock together. I was brave enough to sign up to go to war and face the bloody German infantry but I wasn't brave enough to go and speak to her, make of that what you will!” and on the tape recording they both laugh together which echoes down the decades and out of the mouth of the older Adam once more whilst his Grandads laughing is replaced by Niamh's. I told you laughing is contagious even when a shared joke is decades old. The old man continues “When I finally did pluck up the courage to talk to her she wasn't interested in me one bit. The girl was obsessed with F.A.N.Y that's all she'd ever talk about F.A.N.Y, F.A.N.Y, F.A.N.Y all day long! A boy couldn't get a look in, not with all those girls about occupying her every waking thought."
Adam and Niamh giggled now both in on the joke. They were clearly more innocent times when F.A.N.Y could be widely used as an acronym without any other connotations to the female anatomy and someone being called gay denoted a cheerful demeanor and bore no relation to their sexuality. The tape broke out into a pause or maybe it was more of an awkward silence. Even though you couldn't see what was happening you could almost sense the awkwardness coming through the speakers.
“My dear boy you appear to be blushing. Whatever is the matter with you?”
Niamh stares at her Dad unsure of what was coming next. He shakes his head and tells her “Wait for it.”
“Grandad, erm…” he started not knowing how to finish the sentence. Adam suspected Niamh would have had no qualms in asking him the question he has wanted answering.
“Well spit it out boy your old Grandads not got all day you know to be helping you with these stupid old school projects. We didn't have to ask our grandparents to sit down for an interview when we were at school you know and write it all up. What utter nonsense.”
“Ah. Erm. When you say Nanny was obsessed with fanny…" There ensued that awkward pause again on the tape as the younger version of himself scrambled to find the right words. Thankfully not being on the same wavelength his Grandad saves him from further embarrassment as he starts up again impatiently “What about it boy? She joined up with the First Aid Nursing Yeomanry first chance she got. She wanted to do her bit for King and Country. Probably would have been on the front line sticking it up the Jerry's given half a chance but women weren't allowed to serve in the front line as soldiers. Suspect that was a wise choice on behalf of the British Government but don't tell your grandmother I said that otherwise I'll get my ears boxed and you'll be sent up to bed with no supper. She would tell me that once the blasted war was over that she desperately wanted to become a teacher. At that time the government had this old fashioned view for married women. I think they called it the marriage bar or some nonsense like that which was a law which basically meant young Adam that if a woman married then she couldn't then become a teacher. Please don't ask me to explain the reasoning behind that one because frankly I've never figured it out. Off the men went off to war leaving the women behind to keep the country going and they did a bloody good job Adam let me tell you. Don't repeat the word bloody though boy otherwise we'll both bloody well be in trouble. Then when it was all over, the war that is, you understand, they expected them to just go back to cooking dinner, doing the washing and sewing. Utterly preposterous. Sorry where was I… oh the marriage bar. Yes. Getting married to me or anyone meant she couldn't then be a teacher if the war ever finished which would have left me right up the creek without a paddle if they hadn't changed it because there was no way she was going to marry anyone she said if it meant she couldn't become a teacher. I think when they changed the law before the end of the war I celebrated more than I did when the war had actually finished. It meant that I might have stood a chance at least if I made it back home alive from the front line. Amazing what the thought of a girl back home could do for a man to keep him alive even if she wasn't yours. It gave you hope and another reason to keep on fighting until the bitter end. Well finally the war did end as you know and thankfully for your old grandad your grandmother was still as stubborn as ever and more interested in helping the soldiers returning back in their thousands than finding a husband. I imagine there was a great long queue trying to win her hand in marriage, not that she'd have paid any attention to any man I'm sure. So there I was, still a young man in those days, not now of course but there you go, can't win 'em all, happens to the best of us and I thought what can I do to win her heart given she'd captured mine faster than Rommel in a battle in the desert. It was your Aunt Bess who came to the rescue in the end. Got talking to her by accident one afternoon in a park. Small world even back then. She asked me if I was courting anyone and I told her all about this incredible girl, well a woman by that point and she laughed and said that's my sister you're talking about and I said nooooo, surely not and my cheeks burnt like they were on fire. I wished for the ground to swallow me up. What were the chances of that hey boy?”
It was at this point in the conversation that Adam stood up from the bed and looked up to the ceiling as if it would somehow help him stop the tears that had formed in his eyes at the sound of his late grandad's voice from rolling down his cheek. It didn't work. Maybe it was instinct as Niamh couldn't ever remember seeing him cry but noticing what was happening she rushed to him and wrapped her arms around under his and gave him a huge squeeze like she'd done a thousand times or more before. Adam placed his arms around her in turn and squeezed back and they did the little rock from side to side dance they'd always done since she was knee high like little Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men.
Adam feeling overwhelmed by the voice of his Grandad turns the tape off. "I'll leave you to listen to the rest if you don't mind and put the photo album back in the cupboard when you're done with it please."
Niamh smiles and nods in agreement and watches as he walks to the door. He stops and turns and adds for good measure "Oh and when you see your mother ask her about her obsession with fanny before she met me."
"DAAAAADDDDDDD!" Niamh shouts at him in disbelief as he hot foots it down the landing heartily chuckling to himself. Check mate.
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