A forever work in progress

"There are very few things you can guarantee in life; Death, taxes, Christmas comes once a year, women lying about their age and being able to tell the wife of an angler." "Wait, what? I'm sorry. How do you tell the wife of an angler?"  "Oh you know; two cats at home, a bedside top drawer full of batteries and in the bottom drawer hidden in a sock at the back a big fuck off vibrator!" "That's just…" Her sentence tails off as she stops to weigh up what's been said and whether there might be more than an element of truth to it. Rather than admit it actually sounded highly plausible as a theory and an answer to the loneliness caused by being deserted for a fish she desperately tries to shift the conversation onto something else.  "How's your mum?" "Gone to the shop to buy some batteries and before you ask yes Dad's gone fishing and the cats are doing fine." She stops to call him a "Dickhead," before ...

"You look nice," he tells her across the table accompanied by his best smile. She says nothing but thinks plenty.  Nice? After the best part of two hours getting ready the best compliment he could come up with is nice? Nice is what you're hoping for when you visit the grandparents for Sunday lunch and is usually accompanied straight after by the word dear . Nanas roast beef and Yorkshires whilst you're sat down wearing chunky knitwear, a long sensible skirt over woollen tights, hair tied up in a bun and no makeup on. Sunday lunches are the perfect time for anyone to tell you that you look nice. Perfectly acceptable terminology. "Very nice." He adds as if by some minor miracle that's about to help his cause. Which it doesn't.  Well why didn't you go with very nice the first time? That makes all the difference. I'll definitely be dropping on my knees for you later and tugging at the zipper of your trousers. Wow you really know how to make a wo...

"Obviously is not a punctuation mark." " "I don't think I understand what you mean?" "You keep saying obviously when…" She stops herself short of finishing her sentence and applies the emergency 'this is going to be utterly futile if I carry on' handbrake so best to conserve your energy. She inhales deeply through her nose and slowly exhales through pursed rounded lips which makes her look like she’s blowing out the candles on her birthday cake in slow motion and that maybe she’s giving a lot of thought to what she wants for her birthday wish. I mean the wish was obvious , it was for him to stop saying the word obviously in every other sentence which is now for want of a better word, ironic in itself.  "Go on, say what you really mean," he instructs her. He'd have been better off sticking his middle finger up at her instead, it might have proven to be less inflammatory. Had her therapist been present she'd have told her ...

Autumn was officially upon us once more. Not that you would know it had been summer in the months preceding, this is England after all. You could though I guess argue that the constant barrage of rain was an adequate marker that the English summer had been in progress? Still, now it was mid October and a lot of trees had dropped their leaves faster than a female fan had dropped their knickers at a Tom Jones concert at the height of his popularity. From a distance the huge line of orange laying in the gutters was reminiscent of the cheese dust you'd expect to find at the bottom of your Wotsits bag. Nature's detritus carpeting everywhere he looked as it braced itself for winter, expending anything it no longer needed to save energy and survive.  Thousands of dried pine needles spread underneath a tree like it had been a fortnight after Christmas and the latest addition to the family, a newborn puppy, had slammed into it having still not mastered the art of stopping whilst boundin...

The thing about urban legends and myths was that they didn't necessarily have to be true, they just needed the right people in the underbelly of society to believe that they were true. After that everyone automatically just found themselves falling into line. The O'Garrety brothers carried before them such legends and myths that even if just 10% were grounded in reality then you'd not wish to find yourself within a mile of them. It was a self imposed court style restraining order you'd only break if you had exhausted every other conceivable option or because you had a death wish. If anyone had witnessed those events first hand, if in fact they were true, then no one in their right mind would ever say as much. I doubt they'd even say it to themselves in their heads for fear or being accused of being on the Queens payroll. These two were by name and reputation what the kids on the street would now call proper OG’s.  If you'd been academically minded you might have...

Jimmy Maguire had spent his formative years impassioned by football. Nothing ever came close to this passion, his vice, his one true love. His old man however was every inch a vinyl junkie. Every day until the day he caught his very last breath he'd woken up wishing that today was going to be the day that his only son was going to catch the music bug. The closest he had come to having that dream fulfilled was in the late 80s when he'd asked for a copy of Banarama's Greatest Hits on vinyl. Not that his old man considered the female trio worthy of the title of singers let alone musicians or true artists. In reality he'd not have allowed the vinyl in his house let alone be placed beneath the needle of his equally prized turntable. The purchase he hoped would become like a gateway drug into the really good stuff, well it didn't work and as soon as the phase had passed the record had gone in the bin. His old man wasn't having that shit sat amongst his collection. Eve...

"What the bleedin 'ell is that?" "It's my new lingerie babe, d'ya like ittt?" "Where's the rest of it? It looks like mice have eaten bloody large chunks out of it." "It's mean to be like that, it's sexy y'know, shows everything off!" "Does it come with a pen?"  "Why would it come with a pen?" "So you can play noughts and crosses on it through the bloody great holes in the thing." "God you're so funny… NOT!" "You'd need a maths degree just to get the fucking thing on so you've got no fucking chance."  "Oi shut up you tosspot." "You can barely get a pair or jeans on and they've only got three holes."  "Oh piss off you wanker." "Fifty quid says you can't get it on in under five minutes." "Done and when I take your money you can make love to your right hand later you git." "Don't worry I'll b...

"What do you think happens when we die?" "Jesus, talk about go big or go home. I mean way to go with your entry level question there. I'm almost tempted to stand up and applaud." "Oh yes well.” Silence descended over the table. “You've never thought about it?" Why he asked that follow up question he didn't know. It was an involuntary reflex like it had gotten stuck in his gullet and someone snuck up, performed the heimlich manoeuvre and suddenly out it popped. Just flew through the air in slow motion and there was nothing he could do to stop it once it was in motion. "Well not whilst I'm eating no." "Oh yes. I'm sorry, pretend I didn't ask." “Can you please tell me that this isn't a pitch as to why I should become a vegetarian or a vegan is it?" "Oh no. No. Oh Jesus no." He looks down at the steak on his plate and wonders if he should point out the obvious but something sensibly clicks in his b...

"Now just remember Jack you're here because it provides you with a safe platform and environment for you to be honest about your feelings." "Oh." "You sound surprised Jack." "Well yes I am rather." "Would you like to share with us why that is exactly Jack?" "Well I thought I was here because my darling wife threatened to take a pair of scissors to my wardrobe as an aperitif to her main course which in her words would be to cut my Jacobs off in my sleep and hand them to me on a plate come the morning if I didn't attend today. So yes Meredith, I am a little bit surprised." "Now tell me just for clarification purposes Jack, what are jacobs?" "Are you for real? Is it not obvious?"  "No Jack I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your vernacular." "My what?" "Your vernacular Jack." "Yeah I heard what you said I just don't know what it means. Do you add a dollar to ...